Complementary Marriage: General Characteristics

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When a man is looking for a woman -

he is looking for a mom

When a woman is looking for a man for herself -

she is looking for a mom

This article will focus on complementarity in marriage, in which relationships are built on the principle of complementarity in the form of Parent-Child. Complementary [fr. complementaire <lat. Comper - add] - additional, additional. In this case, we mean functional complementarity, that is, the spouse in such a relationship performs parental functions for the partner.

Complementary marriages can have various options: Father-Daughter, Mother-Son, Mother-Daughter, but in all cases we are dealing with the Parent-Child position

Such marriages are rife with passions, the level of intensity of emotions in them is much higher than in other marriages, and relations, starting from the first meeting, acquire the qualities of fatal ones. Emotional ties between partners are excessive and in terms of the strength of attachment can compete with consanguineous relationships. It turns out to be either impossible to break such a connection, or, if this happens, it is quite difficult, and sometimes tragic. It's hard to live in such a relationship, but it's impossible without them. The marriage partner is perceived as a "cross" to be carried. The attitude towards each other in such a pair rarely remains in the "middle register", most often partners are thrown from the pole "I can not live without you" to the pole "I hate you."

What makes this relationship so emotionally dependent? Why do they arise? What other characteristics are there in complementary marriages?

• The reasons for the occurrence of complementary marriages lie in the personality structure of partners. These are typically relationship-dependent individuals with unmet needs for unconditional parental love and affection. Marriage partners act out parent-child scenarios in marriage, trying to satisfy their unmet childhood needs and thereby end relationships with significant figures in childhood. As a result, their partner in marriage falls under a powerful parental projection and his image is loaded with functions unusual for him. (Example: client S., describing his relationship with his marriage partner, says that he feels that she treats him like a father: “she is like a little girl - capricious, selfish, insatiable in her claims and desires … ).

• These marriages are "overwhelmed" because of the double positions that are heaped on the partner. Consequently, the functions that the partner carries are doubled, as well as the expectations. The range of expectations for it far exceeds the list of partnerships proper. The partner in such a marriage feels that he is more than a partner. From such a partner is expected (and required) for themselves unconditional love, unconditional acceptance and at the same time all this without any gratitude, as a matter of course. Love, support is not noticed - it turns out to be very little in comparison with claims. (Example: Client K. in contact gives the impression of an offended girl. Complains that she has many claims to her husband. She herself realizes that she wants a lot from him, and her friend also says to her: “Well, what else do you want from him “You have a normal guy.” When asked what kind of relationship she has with her father, she answers “none.” The client lives in an extended family, with her father and mother. The relationship with her father is distant, devoid of any emotions. The client herself describes them as follows: "Father, like a stranger to me, a person living in the same territory").

• The world is perceived by such people as if it owes them, there are many expectations and claims to it, and, as a result, disappointments and resentments. The same attitude towards the Other. On the one hand, the partner is idealized, on the other, they want to get more from him than he can give. As a result, he has feelings: “I am more than a partner for you, I don’t want this anymore… I’ve already had enough…”. Early childhood needs, which did not receive satisfaction from their parents, are later projected onto other significant figures. In marriage, the partner becomes such a figure. In a "marriage" with a therapist, a therapist. In therapeutic contact, the therapist has the feeling that he is facing a small child - capricious, demanding, displeased, resentful … hungry. Clients in life and therapy take an external position - they do not take responsibility, they wait for miracles, advice, help from others and the therapist.

• Infantilism, emotional immaturity and egocentrism are clearly traced in the personality structure of these people. As adults, they remain children at their psychological age.

• Such clients are “empty” due to a structural defect in their ego identity. Their "mental reservoirs" are unfilled, they are constantly experiencing a lack of love, and their inner child remains eternally hungry. In this regard, they themselves are not able to "give" love. And this is not surprising, if you did not receive it yourself, then you cannot give anything to another.

• Sexual needs in such relationships are usually unmet and often replaced. Sex in such marriages becomes a conjugal duty. According to one of the basic laws of satisfying needs, two needs cannot be present in the focus of consciousness at the same time. A more important need turns out to be relevant, while the rest disappear into the background. For such a client, the need for unconditional love turns out to be more important than the sexual need, it is genetically earlier, and, therefore, more important.

• Another important point is the presence of symbolic (psychological) incest in such relationships. The partner is unconsciously perceived, among other things, as a parental figure, and then the sexual need is blocked. (Client K., who has made a request about her husband's betrayal, says that she has no sexual desire for him, as, indeed, he does not have a desire for her. the focus of her experiences is dominated by the possibility of his leaving her. From her husband only wants attention, care …). Sometimes in sexual relations with a partner, a different polarity manifests itself - sex becomes much more than just sex … fear of abandonment …)

• The use of the words "quit-not quit" in relationships in case of conflicts. These are words that describe parent-child relationships, not partnerships. You can "throw" the child. You can part with a partner.

• In this kind of relationship, the partner remains the main figure even after the birth of the child. The child is always viewed as an attachment to the marriage partner and always remains on the sidelines. And this is not surprising, since it is impossible to be a parent, being a “child” himself.

• An incomplete relationship with a parent figure in a partnership is impossible to complete. A partner, even with all his might, cannot be a parent and satisfy the expectations projected onto him. In cases where such marriages break up, the former partners again create complementary marriages and the relationship with a new partner is built according to a scenario that is already familiar to them.

• The therapist, in contact with such clients, has two strong feelings - pity and anger … Moreover, if anger lies on the surface and is easily recognized by the therapist, then pity appears as a result of his empathic efforts. Behind the demanding, imposing behavior of the client lying on the surface, a small, unsatisfied child, starving for love, attention, care, participation, is visible in the depths.

Forecast

As mentioned earlier, in this kind of relationship, partners try to complete other unfinished relationships for themselves - with their parents. However, the partner, even with all the desire, is not able to perform parenting functions - to unconditionally love and accept the other. Consequently, with the help of a partner, you cannot complete your unfinished relationship. Such a client will endlessly enter into a relationship, trying to do it over and over again, but to no avail. The only way out in this situation is therapy.

Therapeutic goals:

• Get rid of illusions

• Accept reality as it is

• Overcome an egocentric position

• Learn to rely on yourself

• Notice when someone gives you something in a relationship

• Learn to be grateful for what you are given

• Learn to give yourself in a relationship

• Be aware of who you are in a relationship at a particular moment, distinguish between childhood, marital and parental positions.

• Grow up …

Briefly about therapeutic strategies and methods

• Initially, the therapist needs to be given a lot of support. Support is necessary both for the client to have a trusting relationship with the therapist and for “saturating” the client with a non-judgmental acceptance experience.

• After the client's image of the therapist has become sufficiently positive and supportive, it is necessary to gradually move on to interpretations of his behavior in order for the client to realize his “contributions” to this kind of relationship.

• In therapy, you will have to work a lot with the early parent-child relationship, the client will have to be aware of and experience his feelings for the parent who was unable to meet his early childhood needs. Most often, we will talk about resentment, anger, rage, which may initially be hidden under the guise of indifference and emotional detachment from the parent.

• In parallel, it is necessary to work on the therapist-client contact boundary for the client's awareness and acceptance of his parental projections in relation to the therapist, and subsequently for him to become aware of his projections to the partner.

• Separately, it is necessary to work on the differentiation of the client's diffuse position "Father-Husband", "Mother-Wife" and the allocation and awareness in his actual experience of relations with a partner in each of these positions separately.

The following are suitable methods of work:

• Work on the therapist-client contact boundary for the latter to become aware of their projections in relation to the therapist.

• Working with an empty chair - in terms of organizing a meeting between the client and the parent figure to work through the initially strong frozen feelings (their awareness and response).

• Monodrama, allowing to experience the position of another person and create in the future the possibility of the client's dialogical position, which will allow him to overcome his egocentrism.

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult the author of the article via the Internet.

Skype: Gennady.maleychuk