2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
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Some people exude optimism, while others are constantly whining and complaining about life. Why do these unfortunates attract some of us like a magnet, although after communicating with them we feel like a squeezed lemon? We are involuntarily drawn into this person's problem and even feel guilty that everything is fine with us. Psychologist Maria Dyachkova explains.
It is especially difficult to resist when a loved one complains and suffers. From a whining colleague, you can go to the next office or home - but how and where will you leave your husband, six months ago “unfairly dismissed”?
For such people, circumstances are always to blame: the intrigues of colleagues, envious neighbors, greedy parents, unhappy love, harmful bosses, the ruble exchange rate and a mediocre government. That is, everyone except themselves.
“You feel good: you have a caring husband, obedient children. And my husband is a drunkard and my son is a fool,”a friend complains every time. You do not even have time to remind her that she married the first handsome man of the faculty, to whom everyone predicted a comfortable future, as she brings down on you a new portion of her hopeless present.
You no longer want to share with her your own successes at work and talk about another gift from your husband - why upset a person. Instead, you are eagerly looking for solutions to her problems, but she invariably replies to all suggestions: "I have already tried this", "This will not work", "It's easy for you to say …"
If you are rushing into battle to save another who is "less fortunate", know: you are caught in the network of a professional victim
If you rush into battle to save - at the cost of your own time and effort - an unhappy girlfriend or a drunken husband who is less fortunate than you, you are caught in the network of a professional victim.
Such cases perfectly illustrate patterns of behavior within the so-called Karpman Triangle. We all tend to occupy one of three main roles: predator, prey, and rescuer. Society, bosses, life become predators. The victim is usually manipulated with guilt and shame. How can you enjoy life when someone else is suffering? What is left to do? Save!
The danger of the triangle is that the "actors" often switch roles. The rescuer becomes the prey, the prey the predator, and the predator the prey. After the next reconnaissance, feelings of shame and guilt cover all participants with renewed vigor. And getting out of the game becomes even more difficult.
EXIT FROM THE "TRIANGLE"
“The first thing a rescuer needs to do is to admit that you are involved in someone else’s game,” explains family therapist Maria Dyachkova. - And that this relationship is painful and dependent. Addiction is easy to confuse with intimacy, because the line between the two is fragile. The desire for intimacy is an absolutely normal need for each of us. A reliable relationship with a person with whom we can share, whom we want to trust is important for us. At the same time, in a healthy relationship, each side has its own desires and goals that require sufficient freedom to realize them."
In a dependent relationship, the line between partners is blurred, it becomes more and more difficult to be aware of your desires. Partners do not run the risk of doing at least something for themselves, fearing to hurt another or provoke his departure. The fear of losing a partner or friend often makes us close our eyes to his actions, endure resentment, shame and humiliation. At the same time, we simply do not have the strength to change this format of relations.
No one can be responsible for another person, nor can they be inside his body and experience his experience
“Stop yourself whenever you seek to atone for feelings of guilt and shame,” advises Maria Dyachkova.- Ask yourself questions: why am I doing this? What do I get in such communication? Maybe a feeling of need and importance? But isn't it too expensive? The difference between guilt and responsibility for what happens in life is huge. To be guilty means to recognize oneself as the source of another's misery and suffering. Being responsible - being aware of yourself as a source of influence on the current picture, including on your own suffering, but excluding the partner's reaction. No one can be responsible for another person (unless it is your minor child), nor can they be inside his body and experience his experience."
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