2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There is an opinion that the abuser only take the victims as a couple. In this article, I want to address the aspect of victim behavior of women who start a relationship with an abuser.
What kind of victim is she?
Many people think of it as some kind of junk that constantly cries, whines, gets cuffs, cries again and does nothing about it. Complains a lot, begs for sympathy. With low self-esteem, this is not always the case.
Because:
The victim's behavior may not be constant and manifest itself in a certain situation, at a certain period
For example: As a child, my mother manipulated rejection, a game of silence. The girl grew up, everything seems to be not bad, and then she met a man and again fell into silence. The events of the past, thoughts, feelings and emotions are superimposed on the present, the behavior of the victim is triggered, because it is already familiar in this situation.
Low self-esteem can be buried deep inside, with external, very real success
For example: You have an active inner child, you are a cheerful and sociable person. But somewhere deeply sits a worm, which periodically reminds you that you are not so good. But then everything is covered by extraversion, gaiety, flexibility of thinking. People with low self-esteem are not always withdrawn and not interesting.
Not all victims look like a gray, amorphous person. Many have a bright appearance, good jobs, friends, hobbies
Here are several situations in the figure that emerge in adulthood and act out in relationships. But it all started with my mother.
It turns out that the abuser can choose any women as a pair?
They can choose any, in the process of reconnaissance they find out all the vulnerabilities. There are no invulnerable among us. Someone is inclined to appropriate shame and guilt. Some have low self-esteem. Someone is already afraid of their numbers in the passport and loneliness. Each person in his biography has something where he can be "hooked".
And the abuser came
- A successful, beautiful and cheerful woman attracts. To one of my clients, who met an abuser at group psychotherapy, he gave "You are so alive!" Life, joy. Which they don't have. But there are ideas to take your successes for themselves.
- If there is such a successful, beautiful, intelligent, kind and society recognized woman next to him, then will he become like that? Will a hole grow in your soul? And he strives for everything beautiful that is in the woman he is interested in.
- And then he understands. That he is he, and you are you. In addition, your stories, stories, smile greatly enrage you. Envy and frustration burns through the remnants of the soul even more. And then under the influence of this envy, frustration, shame - depreciation, humiliation, gaslighting begins.
- And other methods, where everything is done under negative feelings and only when you are overwhelmed, humiliated, upset does it calm down.
Considering that it all starts with exploration and seduction, in which the abuser shows himself as a gallant and loving person, you can easily get into the haze of gaslighting and self-flagellation.
Any normal person has self-criticism. And when you have quarrels with your partner, you sit down and start thinking, "What could I have done wrong?", "How to fix the situation?" Not realizing that they were abused.
The opinion of a loved and loving person also matters. If he said that I am a conflicted person, does he know this situation better from the outside?
Over time, due to regular gaslighting, accusations, manipulations, you will definitely erase your self-esteem and develop victim behavior.
Conclusion:
- Not everyone enters into a relationship that looks like junk, does not have a job, friends, constantly cry, is not interesting to anyone
- And often even very bright and interesting personalities
- A tendency towards sacrificial behavior is often a reason to stay in such a relationship.
- A person who is inclined to save and help out, that is, a rescuer can easily fall into the clutches of an abuser, because he has such a life experience, he is poor, poor! Die or disappear!
- Even a tyrant can fall under a tyrant. For every tyrant, there is an even bigger tyrant who will force you into the victim's corner
- Anyone can fall into the clutches of an abuser, go out on their own, without the help of a psychologist and loved ones - not everyone
Dear readers, there were many questions, is a victim always a victim? In this article, I tried to reveal for you the aspect of the victim in the relationship with the abuser. Do you think I succeeded?
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