The Broken Trough Of Complementary Marriage

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

My old woman broke me.

PROBLEM ISSUES

I think that many people remember Pushkin's fairy tale about the old man and the fish. Its plot is quite simple: an old fisherman caught a goldfish, which turned out to be magical. In gratitude for the fact that the old man took pity on her and let her go to the blue sea, the fish wished to fulfill the old man's wishes …

Everyone knows what happened next. His old wife, having learned about this, began to demand that the magic fish fulfill more and more desires, until the fish got tired of it and she interrupted this inexhaustible stream of old woman's whims, returning everything to its original state. As a result, the old man and the old woman were left with a broken trough - in the state in which it all began.

A literal reading of the tale draws the image of an innocent and obedient old man, fulfilling all the whims of his old wife - wayward, selfish and insatiable. At the same time, the old man often evokes sympathy, the old woman is unequivocally condemned, causing negative feelings: a kind of bitch who drove the poor old man, everything is not enough for her!

However, let's not rush, not everything is so simple here … A closer look at the fairy tale raises a number of questions:

• what kind of relationship is it that remains stable despite the fact that one of the partners constantly uses the other?
• what makes the old man obey his capricious, insatiable wife so meekly?
• what caused the old woman's insatiability?

Let's start in order.

WHAT IS THIS RELATIONSHIP?

Such a relationship can be defined as complementary, built on the principle of complementarity. Complementary [fr. complementaire <lat. Comper - add] - additional, additional. (You can read more about this in my article Complementary Marriages)

In this case, we mean functional complementarity, that is, spouses in such a relationship perform parental functions for the partner. Complementary relationships are fairly stable. Partners for such relationships are "selected" for a reason. - everyone unconsciously seeks for himself that half that is most suitable for satisfying his basic frustrated and usually unconscious needs.

Complementary relationships of the "Child - Parent" type are created with the hope of receiving unconditional acceptance, unconditional love, recognition, which, for various reasons, could not be obtained from their parents.

In this case, the partner falls under the parent projection and is expected to perform parental functions. However, the paradox of such relations is that it is fundamentally impossible to satisfy these needs in them.

This does not mean that in all partnerships it is impossible to receive unconditional love and recognition. In a mature relationship, this is possible, but it is not the only and most important function of the relationship. In a complementary relationship, these needs override all others. In addition, in a complementary relationship, both partners are in dire need of unconditional love and recognition. But as you know, it is impossible to give what you yourself do not have.

Essentially a complementary relationship is dependent, since the parterres in them lose their freedom. Dependent relationships are scenario relationships, stereotyped, predictable, with limited freedom. If we analyze the relationship of the characters from the point of view of their interaction, then a dependent triangle is clearly traced here: the Old Woman is the pursuer, the Old Man is the victim, the fish is the rescuer.

At first glance, it seems that in such a relationship, the take-give balance is grossly disrupted. So in the analyzed tale, the Old Woman only takes, the Old Man gives. However, upon a deeper examination, things do not look so straightforward. Otherwise, what makes them be in such a relationship? Why would an old man stay in this relationship and endure the old woman's endless demands? It seems, there is some underlying psychological benefit that does not allow each of the partners to end this relationship.

Indeed, each of the partners in such a seemingly strange relationship receives something important for themselves. In the case of the Old Man, this is opportunity to get approval, which apparently was so difficult for him to get from the parent figures. After all, the Old Woman gives him the opportunity to perform feats, leaving the hope of earning parental (motherly) love. In the case of the Old Woman, this is the opportunity to experience unconditional, sacrificial love from another, the Old Man.

Basically, this is a relationship of the same kind as alcoholic - codependent, only here we see the male version of rescue. In such a relationship, it is more often a man who performs feats in the hope of saving his partner, while in an alcoholic-codependent relationship, such a rescuer is more often a woman.

OLD MAN

What makes the Old Man uncomplainingly obey the Old Woman and obsessively go with requests to the goldfish?

A fish in a fairy tale acts as a magical helper. This is the energy that pushes the Old Man to perform feats.

What is this need that fills the Old Man with energy for his “exploits?” This desire to earn love is recognition. In my experience, those women are capable of such feats, and even men who do not accept themselves, consider themselves unworthy of love, with low self-esteem.

In our case, we are dealing with a person with low self-esteem, not accepting himself and trying to be what he is not. An old man is a person with a neurotic level of personality organization, dependent on relationships, with a need for recognition from the parental figure, staying in feelings of guilt, resentment, fear and shame.. In fact, all actions of the Old Man can be described as "Mom, praise me, tell me I'm a good boy!" But he was not destined to hear these words from the Old Woman's lips, as, apparently, he was not destined in his childhood from his mother.

Hence his sense of guilt; guilt is always associated with some kind of duty. Guilt in this case is not connected with the fact that you did something wrong, but with what you did not do: you are not what you should be - smart, successful, worthy … Resentment is the result of non-recognition: "No matter how hard you try, everything is useless!" Fear and shame are not so acutely experienced, they have already become chronic and create a background.

It is difficult to imagine that such a person would choose a mature spouse with adequate self-esteem and self-acceptance as a partner. As one of my clients metaphorically said: “I now understand that I specially chose a frog as my wife, in the hope that if I kiss her constantly, she will turn into a princess …” It is in fairy tales that frogs turn into princesses. And in life: "No matter how much I kiss, she did not turn into a princess, but became a toad."

OLD WOMAN

What pushes the Old Woman to more and more acquisitions and does not allow her to appropriate what she already has?

In the tale, the most striking feature of the Old Woman is her insatiability. A new position, status, wealth is enough for her for a week or two.

Here's a week, another one goes by

The old woman was even more foolish;

Again he sends the old man to the fish

An old woman is a person with a borderline personality structure, with an unsaturated need for unconditional love, with a functional relationship to another, in constant irritation and discontent.

In the fairy tale, she constantly arranges such tests for love for the Old Man. Behind her actions reads "Mom, prove to me that you love me!"

I don't want to be a free queen

I want to be the mistress of the sea, To live for me in the okiyan-sea, So that a gold fish serve m

And I would have it on the parcels."

It is a metaphor for the mother's unconditional, sacrificial love. Unsurprisingly, in a marriage relationship, she can't get it. The old man, despite his humility and dedication, is not suitable for the role of such a mom.

TOTAL

The relationship described in the tale ends naturally. The result of such a relationship is a broken trough.

For a long time by the sea he waited for an answer, I did not wait, I returned to the old woman

Look: there is a dugout in front of him again;

His old woman is sitting on the threshold, And before her is a broken trough.

In this kind of relationship, it is impossible for partners to get what they want. And they want unconditional love. But the marriage partner, as a rule, cannot give it. Only parents are capable of such feats, and even then not all of them.

Broken trough is a metaphor for a failed marriage … Neither the old man nor the old woman can in principle get enough of this relationship. Since "eating" is not right.

I don’t know about you, reader, but I have another question: If unconditional love and acceptance can still be obtained in mature relationships, what prompts people dependent on relationships to choose such partners for themselves with whom these needs can be satisfied in principle impossible?

In my opinion, no matter how paradoxical it sounds - it is this impossibility. In the experience of a relationship addict, there is no model of receiving unconditional acceptance and love. And if on his life path and meets a person who is capable of this, the addict will pass him by. Indeed, in a relationship with this person, he will not be able to experience those feelings-emotions-passions, so familiar and familiar to him: rejection, humiliation, guilt, shame, resentment! He lacks the tear! He needs a partner who would organize for him the whole gamut of such experiences.

WHAT TO DO? THERAPEUTIC REFLECTION

This is not a direct recommendation, but rather a direction of work. These guidelines should be divided into two categories:

1. General recommendations for both partners;

2. Recommendations for each partner. Let's call them conditionally: "Old Man" and "Old Woman".

General recommendations:

• Become aware of dead-end patterns of complementary, essentially dependent relationships;
• Realize your needs in these relationships;
• Understand and accept the fact that your partner is your partner, not your mother;
• Learn to find other ways to meet significant frustrated needs.

Recommendations for the "Old Man":

• Realize your needs in this kind of relationship. As mentioned above, the leading one is the need for recognition. The male path is the path of performing deeds, heroic deeds. However, doing this is important not for someone, and not in order to deserve recognition. Earning recognition from a marriage partner to increase value and self-esteem is a dead-end path for a man.
• It is important to understand what drives you to these "feats"? What makes you choose the wrong partners initially? Although, if we proceed from the "need for a feat", then these are exactly those partners. With them you can satisfy this need of yours. However, it is more likely that your partners will remain the "frogs" that they originally were. And you naively believe that they can be disenchanted and turned into princesses!
• Realize and accept your aggressive part, learns to take care of your boundaries, learn to say no. " The return of freedom in relationships is possible through the appropriation of repressed aggression.
• Realize and work through your irrational guilt feelings;
• Learn to accept yourself for who you are, to take care, love and support your inner child.
• Accept that your partner is not your mom. And stop trying to win her approval.

Recommendations for the "Old Woman":

• Realize your needs in this relationship. As mentioned above, this is the need for unconditional love.
• Recognize the fact that you will no longer be able to receive such love in its pure form. To experience the full depth of the tragedy from the realization of this fact and learn to live with it further.
• Learn to notice another person, your partner. He also has his own inner world with desires, aspirations, hopes, disappointments, fears …
• Be aware of your claims in relation to your partner. Your partner is not your mom and never will be. To be disappointed in him and accept this fact as reality.
• Learn to take care of your "inner child", learn to give him what she did not receive from her parents, but really wanted. With this you will "heal" your inner disliked child.

Despite all the complexity and confusion of complementary relationships, exit from them is possible. The best solution to finding a way out for both partners is to work with a professional therapist.

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult the author of the article via the Internet. Skype Login: Gennady.maleychuk