WHY DID THE MARRIAGE BROKEN? CASE FROM PRACTICE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We do not need to be perfectionists in our practice, we can only strive for the possible. Our search does not always lead to the end. Theoretical generalizations give way to practical possibilities.

A 39-year-old Olga came to the consultation (her name has been changed, the case is published with the permission of all participants in this story), who was upset because of her relationship with her husband, with whom they had lived for 11 years at that time. Olga complained that her husband lost interest in her, avoids sexual relations, “does not see her as a woman,” and in every possible way tries to avoid her.

Olga saw the reason for her husband's cooling in the fact that in recent years she had significantly recovered. Olga was on maternity leave for four years, and for the last two years she was engaged in the confectionery business, which tempted her to eat a large amount of sweets. From the moment Olga began to celebrate the cooling of her husband towards her, she seized all her resentment and dissatisfaction with sweets. Olga was so convinced of the reason for the chill that at times she looked so obsessed with this idea that any question that cast doubt on this belief was capable of provoking a violent fit of rage. At about the 10th session, Olga told me that she had made a decision to leave her husband, that she could no longer live in such ignorance. Olga was very firm and unshakable. Before the next session, Olga called and said that she would like to come to the session with her husband and that she probably did not need individual work with a psychotherapist.

Olga's husband, I'll call him Konstantin, was clearly upset by Olga's decision to divorce him, but to Olga's attacks to admit that he did not love her, did not want sex with her, did not pay attention to her, remained stubbornly silent. About 10 minutes before the end of the session, Konstantin began to persuade Olga to think again, not to hurt the child and give them two a chance to save the family. The last words of Konstantin were immediately picked up by Olga, and she asked: "Do you want to keep your family or relationship with me?" Konstantin was clearly at a loss and said that it was the same for him. Olga replied that she understood everything and that she was not ready to live with a man who did not love her and was simply afraid to destroy the family.

After a while Konstantin asked me to take him into therapy. I found out that they soon divorced Olga and Konstantin lives alone, meets with a young girl, but cannot forget Olga and believes that he still loves her. The therapy with Konstantin lasted for 2 years, a year of which was spent for Konstantin to simply understand what “needs to be done” in therapy. Further work began to advance more intensively, Konstantin's defenses were noticeably weaker, he began to dream dreams, which he himself perfectly interpreted, he was visited by fantasies that he learned to develop and understand. All this time, Konstantin was tormented by the question: "Why did his marriage break up, why did it all work out this way?"

With Olga and his daughter, Konstantin maintained a relationship, tried to do something pleasant for them. His relationship with a young girlfriend ceased to bring him joy, so he found himself another young girlfriend and had fun with her, business was going uphill. At some point, the serious Konstantin began to behave jokingly at the sessions, sometimes foolishly, which betrayed the resistance that had begun, which, nevertheless, was eventually overcome, and we looked behind the door of his fears, which to a certain extent determined his preferences. Konstantin had to find out that inside himself he carries a very powerful taboo on relations with a woman-mother, into which his wife Olga eventually turned for him, whom he undoubtedly loved, but sex with which for him, since Olga typed weight, became less and less attractive, and over time became a burden.

Olga was right, these were not her far-fetched "eternal female fears." Konstantin really no longer felt sexual attraction to her, he actually lost his male interest in her, faced with oedipal fears, which significantly weakened, as evidenced by his current relationship with a woman whose forms are far from model. At a certain point, Konstantin tried to improve relations with Olga, honestly telling about everything that he learned about himself. But Olga jokes that honesty between a man and a woman is as destructive to their relationship as a lie.

In the practice of psychotherapy, as in life, we are limited by circumstances that are stronger than us.

Freud said that much cannot be lifted out of the unconscious by analysis alone, and we often have to wait for the impact of life itself to bring about what is repressed.

Radical psychotherapy is beyond our reach. The life of Olga and Konstantin continues.