2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I would like to say right away that “good” and “bad” relationships are still subjective concepts. Therefore, it would be more correct to talk about emotionally healthy and destructive relationships. The text will contain both wording, just remember that I am using "good" and "bad" to make it easier to read).
What will be discussed today or PLAN of the article:
- The main difference between "good" relationships and destructive
- In a good relationship…
THE MAIN DIFFERENCE OF "GOOD" RELATIONSHIPS FROM DESTRUCTIVE
Let me remind you the main rule of relations described in the previous article: "What suits both in a pair is not considered a perversion for this pair." This is about the importance of mutual agreement in choosing two equal people. It does not apply to children, because they are dependent on us.
And the main criterion for me, distinguishing "good" relationships from destructive: the presence or absence of an "illegal Third"
Under legality I do not mean the laws of the country, but the laws of the couple. Everything that is discussed and acceptable in this pair can be considered legal. Illegal - everything that is hiding or with which the couple is struggling.
Under the Third I mean, in principle, anything that a couple or the whole family is struggling with: a lover / mistress, a bottle, chemical addiction, gambling addiction, workaholism, criminal activity, obsessive relatives, diseases …
It so happens that in unhappy relationships, the above examples are necessarily present and are an indispensable part of the system. Therefore, even constant illnesses, for example, of the husband's mother, because of which the whole family needs to be with her, "otherwise God forbid that" - can also be not just a physiological process, but an important figure in the family psychological game, around which fatality develops (struggle).
* You can read more about psychological games in the book by E. Berne “People who play games. And the games people play."
The same family secrets (for example, about family violence) - it takes a lot of energy to preserve them. There is always a feeling that "something is happening here, but it is not said about it." Unfortunately, the verbal concealment of the secret does not in any way protect the participants (especially children) from their influence, since the non-verbal will somehow transmit what is happening to the child. Although he will not understand what the matter is, he will already adjust his behavior in an appropriate complementary (like yin and yang) way - under the Third (in this case, the Secret of the Family).
And the "funniest" thing about all of this is that the struggle with the Third at some point begins to drive away support His rooting (in this family)!
Moreover, the question of chicken and egg is relevant here: sometimes it is unclear whether the Third was originally or the struggle provoked his appearance? This is how the psychological defense “projective identification” works: when expecting some kind of behavior from another, I behave in such a way as to provoke and induce in him this behavior that I expect. So, a mother who, for some reason, wants to see her daughter hysterical, does many nasty things to her daughter in order to provoke hysteria and convince herself of her projection (example with a mother from real life).
"What we fought with, we ran into it" Is a true saying for this situation. People who need an "illegal Third" choose as partners those with whom they can play this game - and nothing else. Usually their aim is knocked down on those who can do it, and they reject "normal" people with whom it will not be possible to "play".
IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP…
It may be difficult for you to believe it, but there is even a legal lover / mistress in a good relationship. And the participants continue to consciously choose this relationship - it suits everyone, no one fights with anyone and does not try to change anyone (I myself know such couples).
Well … I wanted to write more in this chapter, but I think the example of a legal lover - like an ace in the sleeve - describes what is happening better than any additional words!)
In the next article, I want to dwell in more detail on the choice of a partner for playing with a Third-Not-superfluous, and as an example I will cite a study on this topic and a feedback from one client who realized the game.
And now, if you have any feedback, I will be glad to read them. And of course, my psychotherapy doors are open to discuss your personal stories!
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