2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You can often find similar recommendations: “do not think badly of others,” “thank others,” “love your parents,” and so on.
And many, after reading this, try to do so.
But the catch is that knowing that I need to love my parents - I can only think that I love them. I can not feel love for them - I repeat, I just thinkthat I love them.
Or, speaking of gratitude to others, I can only think (and, again, not feel) that I am grateful to them.
And what a surprise I will have if I put aside all these superficial correct feelings that I (supposedly) feel - and, instead, listen to my real feelings.
And, the completely impartial can come out:
- To my parents, whom I thought that I loved unconditionally - I have many complaints and grievances.. And, in general, I do not feel any love for them.. This necessary and right - but actually, i don't feel that way.
- The people whom I thank - I, in fact, do not want to thank. I do it out of "behave this way". And I also have a lot of complaints about them: he didn’t sit down well / this didn’t say so / and this one didn’t count with me at all, etc.
I can feel latent aggression towards a person, and convince myself that I love him.
Naturally, we can experience different feelings for the same person. But I want to focus precisely on admitting to myself my true feelings.
Not fictional and correct - but real.
For example:
If, seeing another person, you are used to immediately assessing him - do not run away into the thought that assessing = bad and you will not do this anymore.
If your internal mechanism still works like this, you will still be evaluating. Because this mechanism is of some benefit to you!
AND don't try to run away from evaluating (how fashionable it is) to giving love to others - with this, again, you will only deceive yourself.
It is better to observe this internal mechanism of yours.
Allow yourself to evaluate others and try to listen, where does this evaluation come from? Why do you constantly evaluate Others?
Most likely, you are so used to living in evaluating you that you do the same with others.
And also: your assessment helps you in some way to protect yourself.
In thought, it can unfold something like this:
This "sucker and fool" means that he is not afraid of me. And this one will be "cooler than me" - that means you need to find something bad in him in order to somehow equalize us and I feel safer … It's so dumb to admit to myself that my self-esteem is at zero or even in the red.
That is, my constant evaluation of others comes from my lack of self-confidence and my feeling of insecurity - that's why I evaluate in order to somehow save yourself.
And if I avoid admitting to myself that I value others, then I will not be able to learn something important about myself. Namely - about some unfulfilled need …
- So what do I want in this case? What is my need not being satisfied?
- I want to feel safeto be accepted, appreciated, etc.
Only the way in which this is done is the next question.
Well, now, if you like, practice:
When meeting with another person, try not to rate him, but instead - listen to your feelings … Ask yourself the question: "How do I feel about this person now?"
This practice of listening to your feelings is especially good in the metro:) There are many different people and you can track a lot of different feelings in yourself! Well, the more stubborn will notice their most recurring feelings - and these feelings can also be listened to and investigated where their legs grow from.
If you practice this, you will gradually be able to shift the focus from the Other person to Yourself. And gradually, the desire to evaluate the Other will go away. And, of course, you will start to better orient yourself in your feelings:)
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