2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Cases when good people fall in love with "bad" people are not uncommon. Why is this happening? The explanation can be found in the theory of Ronald Fairbairn (a famous British psychoanalyst, one of the founders of object relations theory).
What is libido? How is it formed? Libido is an unconscious sexual desire or sexual instinct, the foundation is laid in early childhood (in fact, even in infancy - mainly before one year old). During infancy, each person perceives the mother's figure (or other people who care for him) as an object. In addition, the child "splits" the mother into "good" and "bad" (psychoanalysts call it a little differently - "good" and "bad" breast). What does this mean? A good mother is one who feeds satisfyingly and on time, satisfies all the needs of the baby at the first call. The bad one, accordingly, does the opposite.
In reality, this implies emotional contact with the baby and how fully satisfied the baby is. However, one "eat" is not enough. In addition, the mother must comfort, pick up, look through the eyes, stroke, and so on. Such moments ultimately add up to two boxes - one with good messages from mom, the other with bad ones. With age, the image of the mother is integrated, the person begins to perceive it as a whole. The opposite situation also happens - one of the options is chosen (either the mother is extremely ideal, or extremely good). In this case, we can say that the integration did not take place.
In adulthood, the good and bad boxes do not disappear anywhere. Everything that has been identified in the area of "good breasts", a person tries to find in his partner (relatively speaking, this is the tip of the iceberg). Thus, all the good that was in the mother's figure and the people who took care of the child (dad, grandfather, grandmother) accumulates in a good box, then the person sees all these qualities in the chosen partner and falls in love. However, in fact, it is not the positive aspects that attract, but the unconscious (resentment, disappointment, frustration, deprivations that have been accumulated and hidden in the "bad" chest). Why is this happening?
The psyche is arranged in such a way that all unmet needs from childhood do not disappear anywhere, an emptiness remains in their place, and consciousness is trying to fill it. In addition, there remains an unfinished gestalt, which requires replacement with another similar object (to improve not only the situation, but also yourself). Thus, consciousness works with specific goals - to find a similar object, to make it treat itself differently (with great respect and acceptance), to satisfy its needs. Accordingly, the methods of meeting these needs will not change and will remain the same as in childhood.
Several more can be superimposed on Fairbairn's theory:
- We only fall in love with people who are similar to ourselves.
- Jungian theory - everyone has good and bad sides. We recognize the first, and reject the second, trying to hide away. As a consequence, a person is looking for his shadow part in a possible partner.
- The search for a partner is based on the principle “what needs to be worked out in yourself”. This is a mirror image - a partner is needed in order to get to know yourself better, he reflects all those qualities that have remained unprocessed.
Any psychological trauma or dissatisfaction requires an exit. That is why the existing or former partner was not chosen by the consciousness by chance. This is a signal that a person rejects some part of himself, as a result, the psyche pushes him to know himself better through another.
How to correct this unconscious pattern, stop feeling attracted to "bad" people, eliminate destructive falling in love?
- Study yourself, your childhood, deal with the psychological trauma received.
- Realize the existence of a problem, understand the needs that cause destructive relationships.
- Change the direction of your attraction and, in general, the pattern of behavior.
The last point is quite difficult to accomplish. For some people, it takes years of therapy. It all depends directly on the rigidity of the personality's psyche; on average, it takes more than a year to change such deep patterns. To learn to be attracted to the “right” person, to see good in good, not to depend on inner aspirations and not to suffer from it, you need to work hard and hard on yourself for a long time.
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