2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once upon a time there was a girl, Golden. She was sometimes called by her beloved aunt. Aunt died when Zolotts was 12 years old. It seemed to her that she would not survive this grief. When the aunt's coffin was lowered into the ground and buried, she realized that she had no one else left who could say an affectionate word to her, go to a meeting at school, help her with a wall newspaper, sew a costume for the New Year tree. Parents had no time. They worked. How did mom raise her? I will not be mistaken if I say that my mother from the bottom of her heart wanted her to start a family, get married, have children. Of course, the little girl Zolotse, loved her mother, and her father. Parents wanted only the best for her. At this point we will add, however, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Only it is not obvious that to hell, because on the way there are only good intentions. No quotes.
The parents also loved the girl. As best they could. They did everything solely for her sake: watered, fed, dressed, put on shoes, worked at several jobs. They had no time to "breeze snot", lisp and pusyu-kat. Embrace there, kiss, and engage in idle talk, say different words. After all, for them love is, first of all, responsibility. What are there bedtime stories to tell! Responsibility is another matter. Scold when necessary and punish if required.
Zolotse tried her best. After all, every day she was reminded that it was for the sake of the girl that everything possible was done! Parents go out of their way to have everything! And she tried. I brought fives and cleaned the apartment. And the parents did not seem to notice this. Why notice and praise? No need to pamper! They have no time for wall newspapers and other nonsense.
Zolotse became responsible. Even super-responsible. She deserved the love of her parents with all her might. As I could. Only for some reason, the neighbor's girl, Lena, was called Lenochka by her parents. Dad sometimes sat her on his knees and stroked her hair. Once, when Lenochka got a "four" in mathematics, her father told her: "You are our pride." The little girl Zolotse silently swallowed her tears and did not understand why she was worse than Lena. She was sure, for some reason, that it was worse. How she missed her aunt now! Physically not enough. It lacked so much that it hurt in the solar plexus, squeezed and sore in the throat and cramped the jaw. How much I now want to say to my aunt, to talk to her. Just sit next to me.
And, behold, she is an adult, decent, modest, responsible, with a red diploma from a university. Rather, with several diplomas and other certificates and written confirmation of his "goodness".
Only she, with her diplomas and certificates, does not know who she is, what she is, what is valuable in her, and most importantly - does she love herself, and should she love herself? And if necessary, how? And for what? And what is this anyway, love? Is she there? Maybe in order for your parents and everyone to love you, you need to be born as Lena?
Therefore, the girl depends on the assessments of others. She does not know what her opinion is, and if there is another, someone else's opinion, can she "use" it? Can your opinion be correct? Another's opinion constantly interferes and influences her own. At the beginning of her relationship with the boyfriend she liked, when she was just thinking about possible intimacy with him, the girl constantly heard her mother's icy voice, full of “righteousness and decency”: “You shouldn't come close to him! You need to know your worth! A girl should be proud and inaccessible!
And she again felt like that little girl, weak, subject to the authority of her parents, just as it was in her life. Mom solved all the girls' problems. Mom made all the decisions for her, decided what the girl would eat for breakfast. Have you ever asked her what she wants to eat in the morning, scrambled eggs or sandwiches? Maybe oatmeal? What does she think of the movie Little Faith? This is generally a harmful, spoiled film, my mother said. There is only one licentiousness.
Zolotse has long resigned herself to the fact that her own opinion either does not matter at all, or coincides with the opinion of a person who is authoritative for her. Or any other. Others are always right and know better. Now that she has fallen in love, what matters most to her is the opinion of the one she loves. Why is she, like the plague, afraid to make at least some decision and follow this decision: what if he will not agree with this? Or will he not like it?
The "grown-up" girl is in despair. And it seems to her that nothing can be done about it. From this it becomes completely nauseous, she begins to overeat (or overeat something else). And she sees life as a senseless hard labor.
However, in addition to death, with almost all "troubles" you can, if you wish and ask, do something.
Maybe her self-doubt and dependence on the opinions of others appeared for some purpose? Maybe she should find herself? It's probably time to become an adult without quotes? Separate from mom? Get to know yourself, get to know yourself, ask yourself the question: what do I want to eat for breakfast? Take responsibility for your life.
She has a unique opportunity to hear herself, the song of her heart. To do this, you need very little: put your fingers on your pulse and listen … Yes, just like that, this is the first step..
So, in her family, it was not customary to talk about their feelings. And she was not used to trusting feelings and talking about them, Zolotse repressed them, did not trust herself. She does not know what is good for her and what is bad.
It would seem that inevitably and fatally she is drawn to situations and men who behave with her in the same way as her parents.
She wants to be approved again and feels the same pain inside herself. After all, this is precisely what love is, as she thinks.
As a child, the girl did not receive enough real warmth and affection. Now that she is "adult", she tries to satisfy her need for love and affection through intermediaries, becoming overly gentle and caring - especially in relation to men who, it seems to her, need it.
Since she was never able to change her parents and get warmth and affection from them, Zolotze reacts sharply to the type of emotionally unavailable man she is familiar with. She again tries to change him with her love, to save him. And again she comes across sheer bastards and bastards.
Since childhood, she was insecure and felt a desperate need to control her man and her relationship with him. She disguised her efforts to control people and situations with a desire to "be helpful."
Goldie is morbidly dependent on the most terrible relationship, just as a complete addict is dependent on a drug. Without a man on whom she can focus all her attention, she withdraws into herself. She often presents with the physical and emotional symptoms of drug abstinence: nausea, sweating, hypothermia, seizures, chaotic thoughts, depression, insomnia, panic, and anxiety attacks. In an effort to suppress these symptoms, she returns to her old partner or desperately seeks a new one. The same next bastard and bastard.
What can you start to do with all this? She suppressed feelings enough, ignored herself, as a result of which, she was completely unfamiliar with herself, and her body seemed to freeze, froze. Interacting with a competent specialist, she gradually begins to recognize her real self. For a start, it would be good for her to acknowledge the painful symptoms and "focus" on the bastards and scum, in order to relive the pain of childhood over and over again.
Hear, feel and realize: love is not deserved. Every person is worthy of love, simply because he was born and came into this world. In general, it would be good to figure out what this love is.
It may not be easy. The first 3 sessions will have to be devoted to recognizing and accepting the painful symptoms. After this work, you can move on to understanding love as a feeling. How many sessions will it take for this frozen girl to touch the understanding of love? 2-3 sessions, I think, will definitely be required.
Such a disidentification with one's painful body and with a distorted understanding of love, as deserving, and mediated love - love for something, is a rather difficult and deep process, after which adaptation is often required, as adaptation might be required for a blind person who has seen the world for the first time. its colors and variety.
What to do next with all this? Start living, feeling, feeling yourself, your body, as if from a clean slate, again, breathe deeply, hear the melody of your heart …
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