2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How do you understand what kind of relationship you are building and how to tell one from the other
The world is developing in such a way that people in one way or another build relationships, create families and get married. Every person needs someone to be around, waiting for you from work, to whom there would be feelings, passion and attraction, with which you could raise children together.
And most succeed, but very often it is not clear whether your relationship is close or codependent. Whether you are free in this relationship or not.
How do you understand which is which, and what kind of relationships are you building?
Proximity implies freedom, codependency does not
Proximity is when someone is next to you, with whom you are warm, cozy and comfortable, but both people have freedom at the same time. This means that you can distance yourself from the person when you need to, without experiencing discomfort. It's about whether you choose to stay with this person anew every time. Do you choose to love your husband or wife when you wake up in the morning. It's about whether you can take your vacation separately, for example.
Intimacy cannot be forced. You cannot bring yourself to stay intimate.
If you try to establish intimacy by volitional effort, it breaks down.
Proximity involves focusing on oneself and constant changes in contact
In proximity, you find yourself as sensitive and attentive as possible to what is happening with you and your partner. When you talk to another person, you can clearly see yourself. You notice your reactions, feelings, desires, body, but you feel it all in the other person. This is constant news that was not there yesterday.
In a codependent relationship, you only notice what you see year after year. The codependent relationship seemed to be frozen in time. Your wife loves roses, for example, like 20 years ago, and your husband loves okroshka, just like when you met.
Often in such a relationship there is a feeling that you are walking in circles, and your quarrels follow the same scenario. Mutual claims have been said hundreds of times, but nothing changes.
Codependency exists on the basis of a decision and some kind of contract
You decide to build a relationship with a specific person and you have an unspoken agreement. This agreement is an idea of how to build families and raise children, for example. Who washes the floor, takes out the trash, gives gifts and makes money. These representations are drawn from your previous experience or from the experience of your parents. And almost every person does this.
When you enter a relationship, you expect the other to match what you expect. And you often need confirmation that you are loved, for example. He remembers about the wedding anniversary, so he loves, you may think.
Codependent relationships differ from loved ones in motives
Codependents are very often organized around resentment, guilt, and anxiety. You expect something and get offended if you don't get it. In turn, your partner feels guilty and vice versa.
The phenomenon of codependency is that, although it is often excruciating, it is always safer. In codependencies, another person is responsible for your needs. This relationship retains the child's right not to be aware of yourself and not notice what you want. And take offense at another if your needs are not sufficiently met.
Very often in a codependent relationship, people tend to break free, want to get freedom. But having received it, they are in a hurry to abandon it. Most likely, a person who escapes from a codependent relationship will begin to build exactly the same with another partner.
Addiction, counterdependence and interdependence - what's the difference?
In essence, human development is development from complete dependence to interdependence. After birth, the baby is completely dependent on the mother, he can die if not taken care of. As the child grows, he goes to counterdependence - he wants to move away from his mother, explore the world on his own and do something contrary to it. At the same time, the child always looks around - is there a parent next to him.
Interdependence and maturity is the ability to do as you want, despite the fact that it is not wanted, for example, by a parent or partner.
It's the same in relationships
Very often we depend on our partner, telling him "I need you, I will be lost without you." When this addiction becomes unbearable, we try to get rid of it by starting to deny the importance of other people. Many people remain in this period, walking through life alone.
But only in that period when a person realizes the importance of having someone around, he begins to be sensitive to his desires and to the desires of other people. When we understand that we do not need each other, but are important, we become able to build close relationships.
When we know that we can survive without another person, but it is important and valuable for us to have him near. At the same time, we accept his freedom to answer us “no”.
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