More About The Difference Between Men And Women

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Video: More About The Difference Between Men And Women

Video: More About The Difference Between Men And Women
Video: 12 Main Differences Between Men and Women 2024, March
More About The Difference Between Men And Women
More About The Difference Between Men And Women
Anonim

When people get married, they count on mutual fidelity

Sometimes, after unsuccessful attempts at marriage, people immediately agree with a partner about an open relationship. But this is rare. Especially rare is the successful embodiment of such a contract.

Most often people get married and consider fidelity as one of the main conditions

Especially men are negative about possible female infidelity. Some do not even relate, but from any suspicion in this direction, they immediately try to get rid of feelings for a woman. There is a connection between the sexual freedom of women and the frustration of men in love. That is, male love is a predominantly possessive feeling. This is due to the gender obligation of men to play a guardian, parental role in relation to women. To patronize someone from above, you need to own it in no small measure. These are related things.

There is a perception that most men are unfaithful to their wives. It is really more difficult for a man to be faithful to his wives, this is due to the fact that men are much less tolerant of sexual frustration. No matter how many women lie about their quick and numerous orgasms, physiologically, women's libido is 10 times weaker than a man's, which means that women can more easily endure abstinence and frustrate any desire much faster and easier. It's more difficult for men. Of course, the sexiest women are much sexier than the most frustrated men, but on average, men are much sexier than women.

This means that it is about 10 times more difficult for the average man to control his sexual desires. I am not writing this in order to indulge men's infidelity and convince women to come to terms with this state of affairs. Male infidelity frustrates women, injures women, destroys marriages and causes unbearable guilt in men. Therefore, many men, entering into marriage, try to gradually frustrate their libido, or avoid marriage altogether. That is, the problem is not solved by a simple prohibition - external or internal; it is useless to shame and disgrace men, thinking that from this shame they will become faithful loving husbands. Most of them will simply avoid marriage, and the rest will try to get rid of the libido that threatens their beloved family. Unfortunately, libido frustration often leads to general apathy and drunkenness. That is, instead of one ambush, another, worse, appears.

Therefore, it is better to solve such problems not by prohibitions, but by improving relations in a couple

See what happens. The more responsible men become, the more reluctant they are to marry. The more a man is ready to take on himself, the more difficult it is for him to get in touch with a woman. A man who is too responsible for sex chooses the woman he is most likely ready to make his wife. But before him are only unfamiliar women, whom he does not want to marry yet. Therefore, such a man in sex is often frustrated and passive in relationships. He is waiting for foundations from the outside.

If, nevertheless, the relationship began, the man fell in love and the woman reciprocates, a responsible man can delay marriage (despite the misconceptions that these are irresponsible men, no, completely irresponsible are ready to marry, they do not care), because they are not sure that they are able to realize all female expectations, build a normal marriage. If a man believed, for example, as it often happened before, that by entering into marriage he retains the right to freedom, and the woman is obliged to be faithful to him, the man would agree to the marriage more willingly. But in the modern world, the rights of men and women are gradually becoming equal. A man knows that his flirting on the side will immediately give his wife the right to flirt, and his betrayal will be perceived by her as the end of a mutual agreement of fidelity. This state of affairs does not suit a man, although he himself is accustomed to believing that this is fair. Therefore, many men do not want to marry and women feel humiliated when they are forced to pull their loved ones to the registry offices.

I describe all this so that it is clear: the gender difference still persists and it is more dear to ignore it. There is also a physiological difference, which cannot but affect the marriage relationship. For example, a woman may require a man to treat a child as responsibly as she does, but her responsibility is caused not by a moral feeling, but by a nine-month pregnancy and breastfeeding, as a result of which she perceives this child as her own physical part, sometimes her best part. … No matter how responsible a man is, he does not experience such a powerful merger with a child before giving birth, during and immediately after as a mother, so his paternity should be formed gradually and will depend on how much real attention he will pay to the child, what place the child will be occupy in his daily life what emotions will be connected with him on a daily basis. If all this is not enough, his fatherhood as such will not be formed, will remain theoretical, and then it is useless to kick his guilt - this will have the opposite effect - it will make him run away.

I have already cited the experiments of my favorite psychologist Kurt Lewin as an example. He (and his school) proved that if a person is pressured by various factors, creating a situation in front of him where he is forced to obey without his own motivation, the person can obey for a while, and then most often escapes inside himself, disconnects from the world, so as not to notice his pressure. If you remember the textbook images of husbands apathetically lying on sofas, when their wife's op is over their heads, you will understand what Levin meant. If the living space is shared and there is nowhere to go, but pressure and coercion from outside, someone tries to fight, but most simply run away "into themselves." Alcohol helps to turn off feelings of guilt and anxiety.

Thus, stupidly pressing on a person is a bad way of managing. The whip in all experiments seems to be the worst motivator, and therefore slavery once outlived its usefulness. Slaves work very poorly and reproduce little, often get sick. Only the carrot motivates people, and the stick can only act as a factor of small restrictions when there is also a carrot.

What conclusions can be drawn from this honest analysis?

The main conclusion: men need to reduce hyperresponsibility, and women need to take responsibility for themselves

I understand that the conclusion is shocking. Around - irresponsible men, and with them - women, pulling everything (family, relationships) on themselves. This is true. I will repeat it again. This is true. This is often the case.

But look what happens. The over-responsibility of men is not a normal responsibility. Hyperresponsibility differs in that a man considers himself responsible for what does not depend on him. Having burst out very quickly from this load, he simply throws off all responsibility, although among other things there was something that he could and would have carried if he had not taken on too much.

A simple example (and the most painful for men) is the maintenance of a family. If a man is confident that he should invest half of the total budget or a little more, not counting a temporary decree, he is likely to cope with this responsibility. If a man thinks, as often happens, that a "normal man" is obliged to cover all the expenses of the family, and let the woman spend her salary on whatever she wants, he firstly suffers if he does not pull what was conceived, and secondly, trying to pull, he does not receive gratitude and admiration (and vice versa sometimes: "other husbands earn more"). This can cause very strong frustration in him, and with it - refusal to take responsibility for the financial sphere of the family. A deliberate rebellion begins, "why should I?" and uncontrolled spending (on entertainment) as an unconscious rebellion.

To the extent that some husbands stop working altogether and start living on their wives' money. This is not meanness most often (for all the damage done to the family), but a manifestation of the apathy of a person who wanted to reign and tried to take on too much, but reality did not coincide with ambition. If he thought that his duty was half and that there was no other duty and could not be, he would have coped. But considering that even half will not help him (and his wife) not to consider himself crap, he can generally "score" on this area. Although I could start earning more and more, pump this resource and start enjoying it. Instead, he drinks money away, and those around him see the way out in reminding him what kind of shit he is. He is either forced to agree with this, or create his own system of values, in which the opinion of others is an empty space. The first is depression, the second is marginality. And so many men live like that. That is, hyperresponsibility leads to complete frustration and rejection of normal responsibility.

Now for women. Yes, they pull on themselves a lot (but most have no way out, the child is perceived by them as a part of themselves, they are in merging with him, they cannot risk it in any way, even if they wanted to). But why do I say that this is due to insufficient responsibility? Because the ambush that most women fall into is because they are willing to shift responsibility for themselves onto someone else. Look, many women find themselves without a worthy profession, because they believe that the husband should work. Already in universities (or right after school), many girls think only about marriage, and not about work. If they were convinced that the husband should contribute half to the general budget, and half - they (minus the time of the decree, short term), a compulsory profession and even a career would be included in the circle of their main interests. But no, they see themselves as a part of the "family" organism, in which part of the functions is performed by a man, and that part without which it is impossible to survive - social integration. If a woman did not shift responsibility for herself, it would never occur to her to give up on professional growth and become a woman. She would try to combine motherhood and work-study, would not let the profession out of the circle of interests, and would not let the man understand all the time that, ideally, she would like to never work at all and rely on him if he is a man (which is why the hyperresponsibility of men grows).

Look, overresponsibility of men often discourages wives. Husbands say "I want and will," wives are happy "he wants and will be." As a result, he does not cope, puffs up and gets angry (at himself, at his weakness or at the bad state that prevents him from realizing his plans, but it really interferes), or barely copes and waits for gratitude, and she is unhappy with the result and those, that they expect gratitude from her for the fact that he already owes (and wanted it himself!). Husbands feel frustrated because they are being charged with unnecessary responsibility (although they themselves are also ready to shoulder it due to unrealistic ambitions), and wives feel resentment because they were deceived, although they themselves were deceived too.

As a result, many wives really have to carry all the care of the family on themselves, because husbands are depressed on the couch and are ready to die, and wives are not so frustrated, they have a motivator - children, so they are not ready to die, they try to survive and drag everything on themselves. Don't think that husbands are enjoying themselves on sofas. No, they really do decay, no matter how they swagger and laugh off. Yes, the wives suffer, but they have a little more support, they live for the sake of their children (and it’s not necessary to say that this is because of high morality, they just endured and fed these children, merged with them), and the men on the sofas have black a hole in the place of the meaning of life and hell in the soul. This is the picture, and a lot of couples live like this, unfortunately.

therefore the responsibility to halve is very important.

I started with marital fidelity, because in this area it is also very important to correctly divide responsibilities, taking into account the gender difference.

The main difference is this: men (mostly) need to be considered the "one" and women need to be considered the "best"

These things seem to be very similar, but in fact they are associated with weak points of the ego, which in men and women manifests itself differently in relationships. In women, this is self-esteem, and in men, it is a locus of control. The male side of the ego circle is locus + will, the female side is self-esteem + spontaneity. A man suffers when he feels powerless and weak, and a woman when she feels unnecessary and unattractive.

Women have the misconception that men's weakness is self-esteem. This is wrong. Self-esteem in men is generally better than that of women. In addition, a woman cannot seriously hurt men's self-esteem. Men's self-esteem can only be seriously hurt by other men. And a woman can indirectly hurt this self-esteem if she makes it clear or just hints that she will open the boundaries of relationships for other men. For most men, this is the collapse of trust in a woman and the beginning of the end of love. And the fact that men are accustomed to their Achilles, that is, carefully hide their weak points, confuses women. Only therapists, perhaps, see men as completely sincere, and then only after making their way through the fortresses of complex defenses.

So, if a woman wants to keep love in marriage, it is better for her never to force a man to openly control her, check her, be jealous. You don’t need to play this (especially if you don’t know how). If this (control, checks) has already begun, then the man is rearranging the boundaries of the relationship and may soon decide that distance is more profitable if control is so difficult. It is more profitable for a woman for her husband to be sure of where she is, with whom she is and what she is doing, and he did not need to clarify and find out, that is, that she should report herself in advance. The locus of control of most men in relation to women is set up in such a way that the boundaries of control of a man capture a woman, so God forbid joking about "I like my new boss" or "if you go fishing, I go to a nightclub." This is taboo. You need to see your spouse's weaknesses in order to never touch them, and not in order to hit them. This is the path to divorce.

Equally erroneous is the idea of men (and women themselves) that women especially need control over men. No. This is not a woman's business - control. Men need it, yes, but it's better to never lead a man to suspect something, control must be built into the relationship, a woman must be open. But women do not need control, their weak (and important) place in relationships is not a locus of control, but self-esteem. The male gaze has the most direct effect on women's self-esteem, but she is even ready to completely remove control if she is sure of his high self-esteem. A woman can get upset and go into default from the fact that a man admires an actress. A man is usually almost indifferent to a woman's admiration for some distant movie heroes. He is interested in that she does not give a reason for real men, especially his acquaintances, to think that she is available to others. And she is interested in that he considers her the most attractive among other women, even drawn ones.

Of course, this difference is not so radical, and both want fidelity, but still a little differently. A man should not be shown that a woman is not very attractive to him, and a woman should not be shown that she considers herself free. "I don't want you" from a man's mouth is a nightmare for a woman (even if she doesn't really want it herself). "Where I go is none of your business" is a nightmare for men (even if he himself goes where he wants to).

A little more attention and admiration from men, a little more openness and compliance from women, and the relationship in marriage will become more pleasant. Well, the responsibility for the family should still be divided equally. And if a man has more responsibility, then he has a little more power. But I already wrote about this.

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