My Personal Experience Of Referring To Psychologists

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In describing my experience of referring to psychologists as a client, I want to focus on how I came to the decision to visit a psychologist, how I searched for the specialist I needed, and how our communication went through the consultations. For the first time I turned to a psychologist at the age of 22, when I did not even think about mastering this ungrateful, as it seemed to me, profession myself. It seemed to me that "rummaging" in other people's "troubles" is not the best thing to do

But one day the time came when my own "troubles" became too heavy for me. I remember that my emotional state at that time, due to certain objective reasons related to my physical health, was extremely depressed. Talking to my parents (mostly my mom) didn't help me. Friends with whom I could share something were not with me at that time (my family only recently moved to Moscow, and I had not yet had time to make new ones, and old friends were far away). I have heard something that this condition seems to be called "depression" and that it is "treated" with pills …

Or they go to a psychologist.

I really wanted to get out of that state, and decided to find a psychologist (I didn't like the pills at all).

Why a psychologist?

At that time it seemed to me that coming to a psychologist was my last chance to find the meaning of my existence, which I had not seen before. I was seriously ill physically, the treatment was very painful (at times unbearable), I had to endure many restrictions that turned the life of a young man into a senseless and joyless vegetation of a decrepit old man. I hoped that the psychologist, his professional knowledge, might help me.

I was really hoping. I wanted to give it a try.

In the newspapers I began to look for advertisements for psychological help (I did not have access to the Internet). By what criteria I then chose, I vaguely remember. The only thing that I clearly remembered was that the price for one "session" and "walking distance" from the metro were important for me.

I found a psychological center with a price of 600 rubles for one hour of consultation (in 2002) and a 5-7 minute walk from the metro. I went …

I was met by a middle-aged woman, as it turned out later, a psychologist and director of this center. After listening to my story, she advised me to look like consultations with her male colleague (I will call him S.), who also worked in this center. I will add that I did not have my own ideas about who exactly - a man or a woman - I was more comfortable communicating about my problems with.

So, for the first time in my life, I was consulted by a psychologist.

What can I tell you about the experience of that communication

Our first meeting with S. began with my disbelief. I asked in detail about his diplomas, qualifications, experience of work as a psychologist. He answered calmly and openly, taking my questions, it seemed to me, for granted. Inwardly, I was somewhat worried that he might be offended by such distrust. But when I saw the opposite, I calmed down. There was a "light" trust that allowed me to turn to thoughts about my problems that brought me here.

I did not start talking about them right away. All this time S. waited in silence, but I felt that in this silence there was attention to me and a willingness to listen. It was this kind of silence that was important to me at that moment, because if I felt in it, for example, impatience or an awkward tension on the part of a psychologist, then my initial trust in S. would disappear.

Then there were mainly complaints about the inferiority of my existence, about loneliness in this, about "evil Rock" and "injustice of the World."

I remember that S. listened to me attentively, in his rare statements he tried to draw my attention to some, relatively speaking, "positive" aspects of my situation, gave books on psychological topics to read and sometimes directly advised what to do in a particular case.

Most of all I liked it when he listened to me without interrupting, without trying to immediately answer something, evaluate, advise, as, for example, my mother did. I liked to “free myself” from my heavy, painful thoughts, offenses, worries and fears, realizing that they were listening to me and “being heard”. This was the most valuable and, I think, the most useful for me.

S.'s remarks about "positive" aspects did not arouse anger and rejection in me. Perhaps because they were given to them not as direct instructions (from the category “You see, this is your“plus”), but rather as his personal reflections on the topic discussed between us, in which there was a place for different“points of view”.

The books that I read on the recommendation of S. were entertaining, but they did not have much effect on me (now I do not even remember their names).

His advice was sparse. As a result, I did not use any of them.

There were 5 or 7 consultations in total (once a week).

It is noteworthy that, as far as I remember, there was no "official" completion of the series of our meetings. I just stopped coming. Without warning. No messages were received from S. on this topic for me.

The second time I applied for psychological help was at the age of 29. By that time, my life had changed a lot.

After a successful operation, my health improved and the quality of my life improved. I could already afford a lot of things that were previously strictly prohibited.

I had a completed higher education (which in total, with all the interruptions, took 8 years), a little experience in publishing, the prospect of mastering an entirely new profession for me - the profession of a psychologist.

I got married.

But I didn't feel happy with that much (compared to what I had before)!

For many years before that, I “floated with the flow” of my disease, not wanting anything, not striving for anything (even studying at the university was more a way to escape from boredom than a purposeful acquisition of the knowledge I needed). My parents were fully responsible for my life, and I was so used to it that, being an adult for a long time, I perceived this state of affairs as natural.

With some bitterness, I can admit my extreme infantilism at that time.

When I got married, I stopped living with my parents. Responsibility fell on my shoulders not only for myself, but also for my new family.

Now the fact is obvious to me that I was not really ready for either one or the other. And if in family and household matters my wife (now my ex-wife) provided me with serious support, then in the topic of self-realization (both personal and professional) I was in great confusion. Even having decided on the desire to become a psychologist, I was lost in my reflections on how to achieve this, where to start, do I really want exactly this, what is my "path" in general.

I grabbed one idea, then another, then several at once, without bringing anything to the end. All this plunged me into prolonged apathy, from which I "ran away" into computer (gaming) addiction. Lacking the skills to manage my own life, being a psychologically immature person, I was virtually helpless in the face of the "challenges" of a new reality for me. My main "skill", as it seems to me now, was the unconscious expectation of outside help (from parents, wife, teachers, etc.). I only realized that I was "bad", I did not know "how to live."

With this, I decided to turn to a psychologist.

It should be noted that this time the criteria for choosing the specialist I needed were different.

Their formation was largely influenced by the fact that I became seriously interested in psychology as an area of my future professional activity.

Looking at the new profession, I began to read special literature (psychological reference books, works of famous psychologists and psychotherapists, various articles on this topic). I wanted to understand: if I want to become a psychologist, which one?

In the process of choosing the direction of psychology in which I would like to gain professional knowledge and in the mainstream of which to work in the future, I came across a book by the American psychotherapist Carl Rensom Rogers "Counseling and Psychotherapy" (in this work, the author talks about his method of client-centered therapy) … The book made a deep impression on me.

I liked both WHAT was written there, and HOW it was stated.

I realized this is mine.

I wanted to come with my problem to a specialist who works precisely in a client-centered (also called "person-centered") approach.

There were few such psychologists in Moscow. About each of them, I very carefully collected all the information that was only available in the public domain.

I had at my disposal not only "contact details", but also photographs, their stories about themselves, articles on various psychological problems, reviews of former clients, mention of their names in connection with certain social events.

I paid (and continue to pay) my attention primarily to the photograph of a specialist and to his articles. It was important to me whether I like a person visually, and what and how he writes (to a greater extent, exactly "how").

As a result of the selection, I settled on one candidate.

She was a female psychologist (I will call her N.) with extensive experience in a client-centered approach, with her own private practice. One hour of her consultation cost 2000 rubles (at that time it was quite a lot of money for me). I called the phone number indicated on the website and we made an appointment.

At the very first consultation, N. offered to conclude an oral contract (agreement), according to which we had to jointly determine the day and hour convenient for both of us for weekly meetings, the terms of their payment, the conditions for canceling each specific consultation (if necessary) and the terms of completion our meetings.

I remember that I was outraged by the condition that I had to pay in full for the meeting I missed (for any reason), if two days before the appointed time I did not warn about my intention to miss it. Such a condition seemed unfair to me (what if there were unforeseen circumstances?).

In addition, I was somewhat alarmed by one more condition: if I want to complete our meetings, I must attend two more final consultations (why? Why two?). I was at a loss for him.

I expressed all this to N.

I was surprised how calmly and even kindly (!) She took my claims. Honestly, up to this point in everyday communication, I got used to a different reaction of people in such situations - resentment, indignation, dislike, anger, indifference.

Here, in the conditions of the consultative meeting, everything was different! Internally, I was preparing for the "defense", but it was not needed! My “negative” feelings were accepted without any negative response!

It was really quite amazing.

We discussed all the moments that excite me, without postponing "on the back burner."

At the same time, I felt that I was UNDERSTANDED and ACCEPTED both in my indignation and in anxiety. This made it possible to more objectively, without the "protection factor", consider N.'s arguments regarding the need for the terms of our contract. As a result, I consciously agreed with them and voluntarily assumed my share of responsibility for their implementation.

I must say that my funds allocated for consultations with N. were limited. I calculated that they would only be enough for 10 meetings.

In this regard, I asked N. how many meetings we would need in total. She replied that at least five, and then it will be clear to both of us whether they need to continue or can be completed. This answer calmed me down a little (financially, I fit into the preliminary "estimate").

In fact, it took me 4 meetings (including the very first one) only to get used to the format of our communication with N., to feel safe enough to start talking about the most personal and intimate things.

Each meeting began with the fact that I sat in a chair opposite N. and thought about where to start. She was silent, while showing with all her appearance that she was ready to listen to me. It was strange.

I, too, could be silent, but I could immediately start talking on absolutely any topic. N. only listened and sometimes said something, clarifying whether she understood me correctly, expressing her thoughts and feelings about what I was saying.

Gradually I got used to the fact that it was I, Igor Bakai, who was the “leader” of our communication, and N. seemed to “accompany” me.

And somehow it turned out that no matter what I talked about, N., with her unobtrusive statements, led me to think about myself, about what worries me, frightens me, torments me. I more and more trusted my "companion" in the person of N., with each of our "common steps" discovering and exploring myself for who I really am. Often the continuation of the “journey” was very frightening and painful, but N. helped me to “stay on the track”.

Now I can say with all confidence that my research of myself (who I really am; what I want; what are my possibilities) began only after 4-5 meetings with N. (that is, almost a month later).

With each new meeting, I noted a positive change in my emotional state. Confusion, self-doubt, apathy gradually disappeared. By about the 8th or 9th meeting, it seemed to me that I had gotten out of the "crisis", I know what and how I want, I know how to live on.

It seemed to me…

Looking ahead, I will say that already 3-4 months after I completed my consultations with N., everything that I thought I had overcome came back with a new, even greater force.

In total, if my memory serves me, there were 10 meetings. The closer the time of the 10th meeting approached, the more my inner anxiety grew that the money to pay for consultations was running out and something had to be decided. I didn’t want to allocate additional money from my “budget” (I was frankly sorry, after all, even so, I thought, I had to pay a rather large sum). I preferred to deceive (as I now understand) myself by saying that I am already "all right" and that I can finish the consultations …

I think then I was in a hurry to leave.

Now I remember with regret that I did not dare to discuss my "money problem" with N.. Perhaps it wouldn't have changed anything, and I would have left after 10 meetings anyway. However, my departure, it seems to me, would have been more deliberate, without the illusions about “I'm okay,” disappointment in which subsequently intensified the returned apathy.

For the third time, I returned to the question of personal psychotherapy about six months after consulting with N.

While studying Rogers' client-centered approach, I learned about the existence of psychotherapy "encounter groups" or "meeting groups" in which people engage in personal therapy in a group format.

In search of such a group, I went the same way as in the case of finding a psychologist.

Among the advantages of participating in a psychotherapeutic group, I can immediately name a lower cost compared to the cost of individual consultations with a psychologist.

In the group I found, the cost of participating in a 2-hour weekly meeting was RUB 1,000.

Among the obvious disadvantages is the need to discuss their personal problems in what is called “in public”.

Before getting to the first meeting of the group for me, I went through an interview with one of its co-hosts. I was asked how I found information about the group, what problems I was addressing.

The first meeting was remembered by the fact that I behaved emphatically "openly" and "friendly". Before the start of the group, I personally greeted almost each of the participants, during the meeting I willingly talked about myself, although in ordinary life such behavior is not at all typical for me. I was, so to speak, "aggressively sociable."

Remembering that first meeting, now I understand that behind such an unnatural behavior for me (in an unfamiliar environment, with strangers), I unconsciously tried to hide my fear of appearing in front of other participants as a lonely, withdrawn, insecure person (which I really was).

It was a defense, an attempt to hide behind a “mask of well-being”.

I must say, the “mask of well-being” with varying degrees of severity was on me for another six months of visiting the group, until I finally got used to it. And all this time, in fact, I did not even come close to finally starting serious work on myself with the help of a psychotherapeutic group. As in the case of N., it took me some time to get used to the new conditions for me.

In general, in my opinion, the duration of psychological work for each specific person (client) is a very individual thing.

Someone achieves noticeable success in working on themselves in a relatively short time (5-7 meetings), while others need much more time (months or even years).

I think this is natural, because all people are different.

The important thing is whether a person can realize and, more importantly, consciously accept his individual "rhythm" of personal changes.

I doubt that anyone consciously wants to go to a psychologist for a long and expensive time. However, in my opinion, it is not always possible to achieve serious, deep and lasting positive changes in oneself and in one's life, using the possibilities of short-term psychotherapy.

In my case, I "empirically" came to the understanding that, as a rule, it takes me a lot of time for stable positive personal changes. I call this "living the change."

At the time of this writing, my experience of participating in group psychotherapy as a client is close to 2 years of weekly (with short breaks) meetings.

I can add that during all this time I was going to leave the group several times. The only thing that stopped me was the unwillingness to miss the unexpected (always just before leaving) opportunity to explore myself and my problems on a deeper level.

To conclude my description of my personal experience of seeking psychological help, I do not know if it will be useful for anyone.

My main motive to tell about him was the desire to help in some way those who think about the question: "Is it worth going to a psychologist?"

December 2011.