2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A person with a well-studied and well-built Self (Self, feeling of the Self-Present) has another significant advantage - he knows exactly what exactly he can be flexible for himself, and in what he cannot "move" a single step (otherwise his sense of selfhood will be broken). Of course, this has a lot to do with the choice "mine is not mine", choosing based on that very feeling "I know because I know", and not on the basis of the arguments of reason (Ego), the rules of decency, parental and social scenarios and other types of obligation.
Very conditionally, a structure with a healthy Self can be imagined as a very solid, virtually indestructible foundation and "superstructure" with developed flexibility. If you want, you can think of it as a tree with powerful roots and a strong trunk, from which many flexible, willow-like branches grow. These flexible "branches" help us to negotiate, build contacts and gradually turn them into good relationships, try new things. without fear of being "hurt", and just feel very confident, realizing exactly where the border of my Intimate Self lies, which I will not allow anyone to "break".
A traumatic (or, better to say, traumatized) structure can also very conditionally be represented as plasticine with hard fragments of the image-sensation of the True Self interspersed into it. Plasticine here is a metaphor for the flexible part, the fragments are a metaphor for the traumatic feeling of the Self, and since everything is mixed and some of the fragments are completely immersed in plasticine, it seems very difficult to separate one from the other. As a rule, there are three main options for how a person protects himself in this case - excessive rigidity, excessive softness and the third mixed option.
Excessive rigidity is "as if" I consisted of only fragments without plasticine. Those. I don't have any options for flexible, compromise interaction. In this position it is extremely difficult to accept help, see and accept support, and generally interact with the world. This is the case when, in response to sincere sympathy from a traumatic person, an angry response in the style of “Ah, now YOU are still mocking me!”; when the slightest discrepancy between the therapist and the client's expectations, the slightest mistake is perceived as an attempt to inflict injury; when in any not quite flattering (or not quite neatly worded) review about his person, a person hears only an insult - and intentional. And this is a very difficult condition for the person himself! In fact, this is a "fall" into the fourth social scenario, when a person is convinced that no one and nothing will help him.
In addition to such an extreme option, a person in a state of "tough defense" can create a false impression of strength and impenetrability in himself and others. Any wrong perception of us threatens with possible troubles, in this case, for example, there is a high probability that a person will be treated more harshly and unceremoniously than he wants and deserves, to load him more than he is willing to endure. For example, it so happens that being a very sensitive and emotional child, a person at some point is forced to "become a Terminator", to hide his suffering (and almost all emotions) under the mask of "impenetrability" (the suffering itself and inner sensitivity, of course, are nowhere do not disappear) - that reinforces attempts to "knock out" the other person, ie. make it more painful, hurt, as well as general indifference to him - because what kind of sympathy and care can there be for an "iron" man? This mask is then very difficult to remove from yourself.
Too soft / flexible protection most often results in insensitivity to violence and subsequent passive aggression. A person can say nasty things in his face, he will listen to them with a smile, agree with the offender, and two hours later it will "reach" him that he was "from the heart" insulted. A person, as it were, "himself" agrees to conditions unacceptable for him, and then does not know what to do with it. Outwardly, everything is good, and you are the object of someone else's envy, but inwardly, everything is terrible, because "everything is good" was built at the cost of soul-breaking concessions. Well, in the worst cases - a person who easily "changes" himself (in fact, just forcibly bending himself and refusing to feel his own pain) with the same ease "does good" to others (for example, your children).
The third option may seem more adequate than the first two, but it also contains suffering, because in fact a person does not understand where he has what and at what moment he will "stumble" upon his next "splinter". And any already built scheme of interaction with the world threatens to collapse every time a period of some changes comes. Because only a built-in, studied, internally "visible" Self makes it possible to predict in advance how I (and it’s just me!) Will feel in such and such a situation, and in what situation I should go, and which one should be abandoned at the proposal stage and make a different choice.
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