Entanglement: When Landmarks Are Lost

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Video: Entanglement: When Landmarks Are Lost

Video: Entanglement: When Landmarks Are Lost
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Entanglement: When Landmarks Are Lost
Entanglement: When Landmarks Are Lost
Anonim

Probably, every psychologist has a "key word" that defines HIS clients. Such a highlighter request. It determines the type of Client who is suitable for the work style and personality of a particular psychologist. This word defines the specialization in the work and the scope of the problem that can be solved with a specific specialist. In my practice, this word is "confused". No matter what request a person comes with, this word sounds in his story.

Usually my clients are confused in their attitude to someone or something, in their feelings or thoughts. And we unravel together. This is a very rewarding process! Each time I am happily surprised when a client and I bring clarity to a process. Indeed, with the advent of clarity, a person has many choices in what he can do in the current situation. And most importantly, anxiety decreases, energy appears.

How entanglement is formed

You may have already read mine and you know that our personality consists of three ego states - Parent (attitudes and values), Adult (awareness) and Child (emotions and conclusions from past experiences, bodily sensations and early decisions). So, the inner Child plays the main role in the feeling of confusion.

The Inner Child is the content of our experience until the age of 16-18. If during this period something happened to us that we perceived as traumatic, a so-called fixation is formed. Our psyche, as it were, forms a persistent tunnel from the present, where you are an adult conscious person and the director of a large company, for example, to the past - in which you were a frightened child. And when you find yourself in a similar situation or meet someone too similar…. you fall into this tunnel and "fly out" at the age at which the fixation of the child's perception took place. And now the director of a large company feels that his heart is about to jump out and there are tears in his eyes. And scary to horror. And he even thinks that his head is not all right.

The reason for this phenomenon is incompleteness. Our psyche is not able to let go of something that did not have a logical conclusion. And he will act out the situation until those pro, until this very completion comes. This is how panic attacks, phobias, fears, chronic doubts or constant recurring relationship scenarios are formed.

If we return to confusion, then it appears when the ideas about the world formed from an early age collapse. This very Inner Child always clings to the attitudes that have shaped his world. This is a condition for his safety, this is a survival mechanism. Believing in the words and values of the rollers is a prerequisite for safety. And the parents themselves are the first and most important sources of information for a small child. Can you imagine what kind of shock this child (even internal) experiences when the entire picture of the world formed over the years falls?

Confusion and frustration

Talking about entanglement, there are several types of it:

  • Confusion in your feelings and emotions. It develops if the parents are not involved in the development of the child's emotional literacy. In other words, if the child was not explained what was happening to him and what his feelings and states were called. Then an adult person will not be able to understand himself and his states. Another story of the development of emotional confusion is ambiguous, conflicting messages and reactions from significant people.
  • Confusion in thoughts arises when a person does not have confidence in himself and he doubts his thoughts. Another option is if the child was not taught to be guided by his own opinion and "thought for him."
  • Confusion in values and guidelines. It arises when a person's habitual values begin to cause inner protest for no obvious reason. This is called an existential conflict. The condition is very serious and painful.

A special kind of entanglement is confusion in a situation of awareness of reality … Most often, a person has lived for a long time with the idea that his problem is a variant of the norm and it should be so. That the behavior of loved ones that harms him is normal and fair. That humiliation from the boss is like everyone else. And at some point, the gray glasses fall off and the person sees that there is black and white. But to separate one from the other is scary, difficult. After all, it turns the world upside down. More precisely, the opposite. But you also need to learn to stand on your feet anew. Breaking illusions and weakening defenses is always difficult and always scary.

It is at such moments that people come to therapy. They come so that their frightened Inner Child receives answers, guidance and understands what is what. Then he can see reality and make choices. Understanding = security.

The path to understanding is neither quick nor pleasant. But the result of this path is gaining power over your life. And this is precisely what autonomy is.

It is my firm belief that deep traumatic entanglement must be worked in therapy. It is very important to have a person who is not included in the situation with whom you can clarify, what is black and what is white.

For example, in a family with habitual violence, my growing up is a person who considers this to be the norm. Until I faced intolerable feelings (the feeling that something is wrong). This is a powerful shake-up. This is a break in all patterns. There is no point in looking for landmarks in the family. After all, it was in this environment that discomfort developed. In therapy, it will be possible to form your own healthy attitude to the situation. For a person who is not confused, such things are obvious - violence is bad. For someone with a confused Inner Child, this is a tricky equation. And its worst part is the loss of trust in a world where there is no predictability and unambiguity. Believe me, this is very scary. And it’s impossible to cope on your own.

However, not every confused person will immediately come to therapy. And you have to live somehow. In such a case, I recommend the following exercise:

Divide the A4 sheet into three columns: past belief and world view(for example, if you work until you drop, you will live on the street), in the second column write your emotional state nowwhen doubts and questions arose (How do others live? Does it happen otherwise? What can you do differently? Is it really so?), and in the third - reality.

To find out the reality, you need to look for answers from those sources that can be impartial (read books and articles, ask people who live differently, look for a psychotherapist, observe the people around). Try to observe from a neutral position, detaching yourself emotionally and not relying on past beliefs.

Form a holistic picture of reality and a new belief: "To feel good and not live on the street, you need to do the necessary part of the work with high quality and demand decent wages." This is an example.

This simple exercise will help your Adult take control of the situation and give your inner Child a sense of security.

If you decide to come to therapy and work deeper, I will offer you the following plan:

  1. Building awareness and good contact with yourself (what is happening to you, what you can do, emotional literacy).
  2. Increasing the power of an Adult in your personality - informing about what reality really is.
  3. Exploration of the Inner Child (how the past picture of the world was forced, how it was, to live in that reality).
  4. Inner Child Therapy (remove fixations, build understanding and safety).
  5. Forming a Caring Parent (a new healthy and authentic value system and sensitivity to yourself and your needs).

The result of such therapy will be a rebuilt personality who clearly understands its landmarks and boundaries. Stable in a changing world and calmly moving forward.

I sincerely wish you not to face strong confusion and not to lose your bearings, but if this happens, please contact me. This is not a sentence, it is just a task to be solved.

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