This "great And Terrible" Or How To Get Through The Teenage Years Of A Child?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many parents with horror and anxiety expect the child's adolescence or, as it is also called, the transitional age (the transition from childhood to adulthood is made). And often parents experience it no less violently than adolescents themselves. Parental wisdom here consists in one thing: to understand that the more active and diverse this period passes, the better the child will be ready for real adult life.

What happens to the child?

Physiology is changing. Due to puberty, a powerful release of hormones occurs. The body is stretched, secondary sexual characteristics appear. More energy is spent on servicing a grown body, and therefore teenagers begin to get tired much faster - which means they get annoyed with or without. Decreased efficiency and, as a consequence, academic performance. Interest in sexual knowledge and experience is growing [1].

A transition to a new stage of thinking is being carried out: from the visual - figurative, concrete to conceptual, which manifests itself on the one hand, in criticism, on the other, in interest in philosophical issues [2, p. 30].

The significance of one's own status among peers increases. The authoritative peers (or reference group) already have a greater influence on the adolescent than the parents. At the same time, a lot of energy is spent on occupying the desired hierarchical status in the group, hence the increased negativism and conflict.

Take the first steps to attract the opposite sex. Suffering about your own appearance and attractiveness. Gradual division into pairs. Romanticism.

Striving for ultimate separation from parents. A sense of adulthood, their aspirations and life plans, their own way of dressing, "an adult form of relationships with the opposite sex - dating, entertainment."

It often happens that the responsibilities of adolescents become more and more: “you are already big to do this and that”, “you have to understand - you are already an adult”, but does not receive the expansion of rights. And still, when it is convenient for parents, there are rules and laws for a child, for example, to return home no later than 7-9 pm. And it is completely normal and natural if a teenager begins to resist this - an indicator of the healthy development of the psyche of your child.

Thus, the child begins to "actively and not always constructively fight to be treated as an equal, for the right to decide for himself with whom to be friends, how to learn, who to be, - for the right to have his own money [1 p. 363]" …

“Consciously or not, a teenager understands that independence is not provided - it must always be won [1 p. 363]”

When a teenager embarks on a war for rights, different parents use different strategies. Let's consider some of them [3].

1. Emotional rejection

The child is brought up like Cinderella. Emotional rejection is hidden. It disguises itself as over-caring. Cinderella's stepmother gives countless prescriptions and makes it clear to the child how bad he is. Instead of unconditional love to be earned. As a rule, such adolescents are separated from their parental family at the earliest opportunity. And this strategy can be a good tool when your "chick" is clearly sitting in the "parent's nest". And he is in no hurry to wind his own. At the same time, it is important that at the previous stages of development the child receives all the warmth and unconditional maternal love.

2. Emotional indulgence

The child is brought up like the idol of the family. Love is anxious and suspicious, it is protected from imaginary offenders. As a result, the teenager has serious problems with peers. Consider this strategy of education through the fairy tale "Ryaba Hen [4]". Let's look at this fairy tale as about when a child is treated like a golden testicle: "they beat them, they beat them, they didn't break them!" What is it about? And about the fact that it is a pity to beat - gold after all! Such a pampered upbringing, there are no clear boundaries. What can you do? What is not allowed? Everything gets away with it! "He's so good!" And here! "The mouse ran, waved its tail - the testicle fell and broke." Such a teenager's unrealistic self-image is just as easily shattered. And it does not withstand contact with reality, real relationships with peers.

3. Authoritarian control

Parents consider upbringing to be the main goal of their life. The main educational line is prohibitions. Consequently, depending on the strength of the psyche and the strength of suppression in adolescence, either a subordinate creature or a rebel is received. A paradoxical situation happens when a person who was suppressed throughout his childhood and told what to do, suddenly, is required to make a vital decision, for example, decide which university to enter, or whom to marry. Such a teenager is out of touch with his desires. And this task is beyond his power. He, as a rule, does not know what he wants and is waiting for instructions from the outside.

Another path is the path of rebellion. Rebels often grow out of those children who sometimes managed to win and take what they want. They have the idea that it makes sense to fight. But in an excessive version, this can turn into the fact that the teenager will do everything in spite of it. How can this turn out in the future? As a rule, such children, growing up, fall into the trap of an antiscenario. That is, they repeat your significant life events only with the opposite sign. The examples are somewhat exaggerated, but bright! If the mother says: "Don't drink!" - the son drinks. "Study well" - the child drops out of college. About this case it is said, approximately, like this: "an adult is the one who is able to do what he wants, even if his mother likes it."

The rebel can also appear in a less pathological form. When a teenager does not oppose everything in a row, but only what is imposed on him. When he has a clear idea of what he wants. For example, he wants to become a musician, and his parents force him to go to study as a doctor. In this case, it is important for parents to understand why it is so important to them. Parents better deal with themselves. What is behind this desire? Maybe these are your unfulfilled dreams that you did not lose hope to achieve in the face of a child? Maybe these are your fears, anxiety for his fate? In any case, these are your feelings, which it would be good to discuss with the maturing child, and if after this conversation there are no changes, then find the wisdom to accept this too. It's not always worth worrying that children are different from us. It often turns out that the qualities that worried the parents later become virtues. Because the moment of taking responsibility is important here. Any directive methods relieve him of responsibility for the result. And as often happens, children drop out of the universities that their parents imposed on them. Such imposition out of concern for the child's future sometimes leads to unrealistic, exaggerated demands on the child, which is hard for both parents and adolescents themselves. As a result, the integrity of the human psyche is violated and as a result, such a person can hardly find himself in life again. Sometimes even such people achieve success in the activities that they took under pressure, but at the same time they do not get a sense of satisfaction, they feel unhappy.

It is important to remember that your child is a separate individual.

4. Conniving laissez-faire

Adults are guided in education not by pedagogical principles, but by their own mood. Motto: "less hassle". The teenager is left to himself, for example, in the choice of the company, the way of life. This is a negative parenting strategy. There is no core in it. As a result, a predatory aggression is formed, the idea that who is stronger is right. No attachment in relationships, as a rule, do and take what they want through force. The main thing for them is to avoid weakness and dependence. It is easy to assume that these teenagers can break the law and go on a criminal path.

5. Democratic education

This is the wisest strategy in dealing with teenagers. There is a relationship of trust, boundaries, and within these boundaries there is no obsessive control, support and training.

Important here:

1. Trusting relationship. It is important to know that during this period there is some separation of the adolescent from his parents. He has his own "personal affairs", his secrets and secrets. He can often retire in his room. This is normal, it is a necessary element of teenage life. A trusting relationship is the transfer of responsibility for one's life to the child himself. If your child feels safe with you, he will trust you too.

At the same time, distrust in the child, unjustified frequent checks destroy the rudiments of trust in the bud.

2. Borders. It is important to be consistent and constant in your words and actions if you want to achieve something. Do not promise your child what you cannot fulfill. This will only strengthen the child's confidence that adults cannot be trusted. If you demand one thing from a child and do another, gradually the teenager will stop trusting your words. And he himself will easily make promises, but he will not fulfill them. If your attitude has really changed, explain to your child why this happened.

3. Personal space. Here we are talking not only about the territory, but also about the personal psychological space. The ability and ability of a parent to simply be and be present with the child, and sometimes just leave one. Don't try to "understand everything." Yes, I would like a complete understanding. But sometimes a teenager doesn't want to be transparent to his parents. Then there is no need to get into the soul, just support, be near, keep quiet together.

4. Self-control. Restrain your emotions. If the child is behaving improperly, do not go straight to yelling. Screaming is not at all what a teenager expects of you. The feedback will be similar to yours. Such a "disassembly" will not resolve the conflict. If the conflict is ripe, first calm down (breathe deeply, take a break from the situation), then ask yourself: "What do I want to achieve: punish him or solve the problem with him?" It is better to discuss the current situation, rather than the child himself. This will be a more correct decision.

5. Take-give balance. Rewards and punishments should be adequate to the deed committed. Teenagers react very painfully to unfair and cruel punishments. Sometimes, these injuries last a lifetime. The incentives must also be adequate to the child's.

6. Constant feedback. Speak and find out everything in time, do not accumulate resentment and discontent. At some point, your emotions will "break free" with terrible force. Then a constructive conversation will definitely not work, there will be a violent scandal, and you will remember the child all his sins from an early age. As a rule, it can be difficult to make up after such a scandal. Therefore, do not accumulate claims, express them in hot pursuit, but do not forget that you are not a judge, but a loving parent.

The above strategies of education, except for the fifth, lead to varying degrees of negative consequences. And to smooth out these consequences, the heroic patience and efforts of parents to correct the situation may not be enough, alas, the work of a psychologist does not guarantee the result. It all depends on both sides. It is important to understand, understand yourself, a growing teenager, and know that you are not alone and can always seek professional help from qualified specialists - psychologists.