Teenage Years! What Should Everyone Know About This?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When a child reaches eleven or twelve years of age, often parents feel that their family has not a teenager, but some kind of teenager! Where did their cute baby go, who happily fiddled with mom and dad in the kitchen or garage, trusted them, amused them with his cute jokes, waited and sincerely rejoiced in parental hugs and kisses? Moreover, as adolescents, children feel the same way! A significant physical change in the body during this period, the growth of which is not proportional and the accompanying inevitable acne that makes them suffer, as well as the awakening sexual energy that is completely unfamiliar and very powerful, leads to frequent mood swings! Children feel like ugly ducklings and are convinced that everyone is looking at them with disdain, this can lead to the formation of a whole repertoire of defensive behavior and attitudes.

But the most serious test for parents during this period is a collision with the manifestation of adolescent narcissism, or as it was called in the 90s, “Youthful maximalism

For adults, the passage of adolescence for their children is complicated by two points:

1. Parents become people of a sort of second class, as the newly blossoming sexuality shifts the focus of attention and values of the adolescent to peers.
2. Parents may develop unconscious envy of their children. After all, a teenager has such qualities that parents lose over time: youth, energy, a certain naivety in the idea of the world around him. Looking at them unconsciously can feel gutted and drained.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY NARCISSISM?

In fact, adolescent narcissism is not some kind of harmful phenomenon that must be feared and must be fought against, but a natural stage on the path of a person's psychological maturation.

Narcissistic regression to a more primitive and egocentric way of thinking and behaving is just a necessary temporary stage to complete the process of psychological maturation, which ends with the formation of a healthy personality (character) and a sense of belonging to the ideals of a large group.

Psychoanalysts have seen striking similarities between what happens in adolescence and the separation-individuation process that begins around the age of two. Like an infant trying to separate what is the Self from what is the Other, the adolescent needs to psychologically separate from his parents and his family. In the behavior of both, there is a striking similarity in ambivalence towards parents, first - the desire to get their support and a sense of security, and then - irritated repulsion.

To an adult observing a teenager from the side during this period, it seems that he has turned into a mythical Narcissus, in love with his own image, into his mirror image in a puddle.

In fact, adolescents really need their parents during this period. To successfully pass this stage of development, each teenager definitely needs an adult nearby who would recognize his unique abilities, give him support and open up possible prospects while he masters the necessary skills. We need some kind of empathic attunement to this particular teenager, to his innate abilities and his own dreams.

In order for the stage of empathic adjustment of parents to the needs of their child who has entered adolescence to be less painful and more successful, several joint (parent and adolescent) visits to a specialist in the field of psychological health are sufficient

HOW TO RECOGNIZE THAT NARCISSISM IS TAKING THREATENING FORMS?

Returning to the normal development of narcissism and egocentrism during adolescence is a challenge for both parents and adolescents themselves. Those adolescents who do not have the opportunity to develop their worldview and create a more realistic sense of their place in the general world order, unfortunately, are often "stuck" in the center of their own small universe.

The self-centeredness inherent in adolescents leads to the emergence of two types of imagination with a touch of narcissistic omnipotence and grandeur:

1. "The myth of invincibility" - this is a teenager's fantasy about his uniqueness, heroism and even magic. The myth of invincibility allows some adolescents to be drawn into activities that are associated with an increased risk: smoking, alcohol and drug use, unprotected sex, extreme sports, risky car driving or even criminal activity - without feeling the slightest fear of the consequences …
2. "The myth of perfection" - has all the signs of narcissistic grandeur and can contribute to the formation of such behavior in a teenager, as if he is somehow completely special in comparison with other people and by fate itself is doomed to success, popularity and fame.

If during this period a teenager is faced with the excessive authoritarianism of his parents, then, weighing the degree of risk, he may make a premature decision to do what is expected of him: to become a doctor, as Mom wants, or a scientist, as Dad wants, without going into an individual wandering for the purpose of self-knowledge.

This can lead to the following negative consequences:

1. In his later life, he may develop a negative identity, contrary to authority, an identity based more on “being against” than “being for”. Such adolescents, without realizing, enter into an uncompromising struggle with all the people they can perceive as a parent: a teacher, a boss, a marriage partner.
2. Or they may experience “identity diffusion”. Such adolescents in the future are very weakly striving to achieve any goals or values and often show indifference to taking on some kind of role. As adolescents, they may have difficulty doing homework, choosing a place to study, finding a job, or planning their own future.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PARENTS THIS PERIOD!

1. RECOGNIZE YOURSELF

Become a role model for your teenager! Although it may seem unbelievable at times, your children listen to what you say and watch what you do. They need your mentoring and your support even when they push you away. Harness the power of your personality - be the kind of person they can admire.

2. KEEP YOUR CONNECTION WITH REALITY

Remember, you cannot immediately change other people's narcissistic teens; you cannot immediately change your own, it takes time.

Try to understand that all relationships in the family need to be changed, that this is not only a problem for your children, but also a problem for the whole family. You will need to identify the role each family member plays in this problem, as well as do a lot of work to cope with anger - both yourself and others. Look realistically at what is possible and what is impossible - and for how long. Explore the possibilities of your choice before taking action. Don't fall prey to your own grandeur, perfectionism, or need for overcontrol.

3. SET BOUNDARIES

Do not tolerate the inappropriate behavior of both your own and other people's adolescents.

In the latter case, to protect yourself and your children, involve other people or appeal to external authorities. Involving a third party in the conflict will cool the fervor and allow you to withstand the onslaught of unhealthy narcissism.

Teach your children to recognize narcissism and avoid both narcissism itself and the narcissistic values that their buddies have.

Try to understand why your teen is acting this way. Help him explore and voice what he is feeling. Try to find mutual understanding that will give you the opportunity to look favorably on his behavior. It is important to make it clear to the youngster that you are frustrated with their behavior, but at the same time give them the opportunity to fix it.

4. FORM A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP

Try to create the necessary balance between the teenager's need for personal, separate from you and family, free time and your expectations of his participation in family life. If there was a very strong bond between you and your child prior to adolescence, it is likely that a return to reciprocity will occur as soon as the normal stage of adolescent narcissism has passed.

If, due to some circumstances, you only now have the opportunity to devote enough time to your child, who has already become a teenager, the presence of narcissistic problems that cannot be quickly resolved will be a serious obstacle to finding reciprocity in your relationship. In such situations, you can use the help of specialists and undergo a joint course of therapy, which will allow you and your child to get to know each other better and learn to build relationships without mutual reproaches and grievances

In preparing this article, material from the book "Hell's Web" by Sandy Hotchkis was used.