2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
And all the troubles we have because of our parents … Especially, of course, mom is to blame, although dad also distinguished himself.
They did everything wrong: they didn’t hug correctly, and didn’t praise them according to science, and they didn’t manage to let go in adolescence, and they didn’t allow them to make mistakes, and value judgments constantly betrayed and did not defend as needed. All my internal problems, conflicts, inability to live in harmony with myself - everything, everything because of them. Well, straight monsters, they are these parents.
If you try to list everything they've done, no paper is enough. I have long been accustomed to reading texts - articles, posts on social networks, letters from clients about how he / she is offended by mom or dad. And the resentment itself is quite normal, natural.
Only she would not develop into a firm conviction that now I have the right to just shift the blame on my adults … and rest and complain about life. And as bonuses to receive encouragement, empathy, approval, assent from everyone around. It's nice, you won't say anything.
Aware - not always armed. In this case, awareness of the "sins of parents" towards me can play a cruel joke. After all, today it has become transparent to everyone the influence of our childhood, upbringing, relationship with our mother on our today's life. But here what can I do about it?
"After all, you can't turn back the past" is a standard phrase that can easily and easily close oneself from a problem. I am not able to change history, now I only rake the consequences … And this is mine to take into account - just trying my best to resist the negative consequences of parenting mistakes. And also - to be offended, angry, blame and even hate.
Nice picture? I personally feel like in a vat with a viscous, foul-smelling slurry that sucks me in. I want to get out, wash myself, feel cleanliness and freedom. And even better - pour out all this rubbish, clean the vat and put in there what I like - a flowerbed or something.
And pouring out the contents does not mean getting rid of memories and not using the lessons that life has given. Memory is not based on tangible objects, but on my memories, on my attitude. I don't have to feel it every day to remember. To remember, I don't need this slurry.
Biting allegations that mothers spread rot on their daughters because their own life has failed are generally disconcerting. This very superficial look, instead of helping drowning people, adds another stone to the neck - a huge one. He, perhaps, that even more inept treatment of children will be - in my personal opinion.
And hear me - I'm sure that anger, resentment, irritation, even hatred have every right to exist … Since they are inside, it means not in vain, so they need to be given a go. Do not go and throw nasty things in mom's face - no. And to myself, first of all, let it all feel … And at the same time, do not blame yourself for the fact that "I am a bad girl if I feel like this." And allow, no retribution, no punishment, no censure.
And only after you manage to free your inner vat from the nasty slurry of negative feelings, you will be able to see why she did this. This is already exculpatory process.
And it will not be about the fact that my mother can now treat me like this. It will be about what did not give her and does not allow her to love us the way we needed it. It will be about understanding, about acceptance. And at the same time it will become clear that there are no guilty ones. There are just people with their difficulties, with their peculiarities, with their fates and mistakes.… Not Gods - people with their jambs.
Here I lose my illusions about the omnipotence of parents - I get a chance to see them as just people. And then as with any other person I can build my boundaries … They will allow me to stay safe, not to get hurt anymore. And, at the same time, do not shift responsibility for your life to mom / dad, their fortunes, successes and failures.
This is the very "way of healing."With bumps, mountains, landslides - at first sight, impassable. But there would be a desire …
And all my life it is easier to tell myself and everyone around that my life is ruined because my mother is wrong. It is possible and so, probably.
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