2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Tired of saving everyone - how to stop yourself? Are you familiar with this state? How to get rid of it?
First, you need to understand what your inner need you are trying to satisfy in this way
There may be several options:
The need to feel important and needed.
Unconscious control of the situation - if you help a person several times, he will continue to turn to you. There is still a certain amount of power here (everything is in my hands!) - you see the whole situation from above, you know about all the problems that happen to someone, and nothing passes by.
You want to be a good person and you cannot refuse without feeling guilty about your actions. Conditionally - responsibility for all the problems of the world lies solely with you. However, here it is worth realizing an important point - if we feel guilty, then we take excessive responsibility for those issues that, in fact, do not apply to us.
What to do with your desire to “save everyone”
There is a rather interesting technique - "Three LIs". Ask yourself - Did you ask? Can I? If I want to?
In other words, do you have the resource and desire for all this? And it is very important to know if you were really asked for help. Often, people-rescuers run to save where there is no need for it, and they were not asked for anything, and then they are faced with depreciation, rejection, criticism and aggression (“Why did you get into my affairs? I will figure it out! messed up everything! ). Moreover, remember that not all people need help! Some individuals need to learn how to save themselves on their own - codependent, masochistically equipped, victims (in these cases, you will only make things worse - they need to learn to take responsibility for their lives, make decisions, act). So, while saving someone, you can interfere with the person, not help.
Read the amazing book “The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for Your Own Self” by Swiss psychotherapist Alice Miller about the nature of childhood mental trauma during parenting. The book contains many examples of how the need for “necessity” is formed, and the main reason is the lack of gratitude and feedback from the parents (you are needed, important and valuable to us). Quite often, rescuers are children who took on excessive responsibility in the family, for example, for sorting out the relationship between parents; they come from dysfunctional families of alcoholics or drug addicts. Imagine that the child took all this emotional intensity upon himself, and over time he got used to "pulling" everything on himself, therefore, seeing somewhere the tension, he tries to pass it through himself again - a function familiar from early childhood does not let go in an adult age. And even if, in fact, the child did not take any action, inside he experienced and processed all the stress received. Accordingly, now seeing a similar situation, a person cannot pass by a familiar conflict.
Work through early childhood traumas - remember the situation after the situation from childhood, when you saved, helped, took on hyperresponsibility, but did not receive any gratitude in return ("Daughter, what a fine fellow you are! You did a wonderful thing! How much you helped me!"). You have an unclosed gestalt, and your psyche has not received satisfaction. The human psyche works in an amazing way - the more we invest and do not get the result, the more we continue to invest (instead of stopping and saying to ourselves: "That's enough! I won't be able to satisfy my need here!").
Think about what need you satisfy and whether in the place, how differently it can be satisfied. Remember, if you took on a lot of responsibility for your age and the resources that you had, but did not receive an appropriate response charge, could not affect the situation as a whole, you will have an unclosed gestalt. If you look deeply inside yourself, you will realize that behind your need to save everyone there is really a need for power, control and influence. But this power is not aggressive and implies the return of its resource (you are great; you will succeed; you can get involved in the situation at any moment and take over everything).
A constant desire to save everyone suggests that you have some powerlessness in the zone of omnipotence - you do not feel that you can influence the situation, and every time you prove it to yourself, but you cannot prove it. Try to realize your needs through a new approach, because, in fact, such a state is the realization of your need in non-working ways and playing the childhood trauma over and over again, and again a lack of satisfaction.
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