2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Abdrakhmanova Alexandra
"He's mine! Why is he flirting with this … He should only be with me! If you could tie him..!"
Where does this attitude towards another person come from? Where does this need for affection come from? Yes, such that the Client wants to physically tie the object of his love and not let go anywhere! Moreover:
"Even when he is next to me, he is still not enough for me!"
And it’s not a small child sitting in front of me in an armchair that speaks, but an adult girl!
Not for nothing, probably, this association with a child came to my mind. Otherwise, I would not have remembered the psychological model created by E. Berne - transactional analysis. I would not like to go deep into the theory of this model, but I consider it necessary to voice some important postulates.
So … 1. Every person in a given situation acts out of one of three ego states: Adult, Child, and Parent.
2. Ego states are different from each other
3. Being in a situation of communication (interaction) with another person, our ego states interact with the ego states of the communication partner.
And now the promised technique. We take a regular A4 sheet, divide it into 3 parts, respectively naming each: adult, child, parent. And we fill in, together with the Client, each part with those statements that we heard from him in the course of his story. In order to make it easier for the Client, you can ask him an auxiliary question "What part of you inside of you is telling me about this now? An adult, a child or a parent?"
We carry out the same procedure in relation to the object of the Client's attachment.
We fold the sheets in three times, closing the edges. After all, individuals are still integral.
Example. How did we do it:
SHE HE:
Note! The Client herself has the ego-state of the Parent "absent"!
We ask the client: What state of your partner do you like the most? In what state would you like him to be next to you?
My Client's answer: "An adult, of course! I've always liked such serious men!"
- And what part of your personality do you yourself most often show to your partner?
My Client said without hesitation: "Child."
But only the Parent can be with the Child. After all, only the Parent is important and needs to satisfy the needs of the Child! Thus, the Client subconsciously "evoked" the state of the Parent in the partner, and not the desired Adult.
- But the love relationship between the Parent and the Child is wrong!
- Of course it is wrong!
- I understood: in order for him to be an Adult with me, I myself must become an Adult.
After such a conclusion, Klentka suddenly begins to remember that so often those around her told her that she was behaving like a child, that she would have grown up. But she perceived all these conversations as unauthorized interference, as an attack on her, and therefore reacted rather harshly.
What's great about transactional analysis is that it's not just behavior analysis. This is an analysis of behavior from which it is very easy to arrive at the original cause of this very behavior.
I draw the Client's attention to the "apparently absent" ego-state "Parent" in her personality structure. For clarity, we take and cut off this state:
The personality loses its integrity. And then she begins to look for her missing part in another person, literally attaching it to herself:
And then it seems illusory to a person that he is "whole" (this is the reason and sufficient basis for the inner confidence that this person belongs to me). But! In reality, this is only an illusion! After all, the other person feels inferior in such a relationship. He can only be a "Parent", his other states seem to be rejected, not accepted, as if they are not needed.
Suddenly, the Client picked up a set of paper with the words "Parent" in her hands. And it was at this moment, as it seems to me, that she made the decision to become a truly Adult.
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