Reflections On Mom-9. An Uncut Umbilical Cord, Or How To Choose A Mother-in-law

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The other day there was a conference at which I led the whole day "vertical" - a creative laboratory dedicated to family problems. People and formats changed - these were group discussions, demonstration sessions, supervision. The day passed in an interesting, lively and open dialogue. And when the last hour and a half of work came, the topic of the daughter-in-law's relationship with her mother-in-law was raised in the group. Of course, I was very curious - being the mother of a 24-year-old son by duty and great love, I understand that someday I will be “on the other side” of the barrier. But the stories hooked me, so much so that I came home and shared with the aforementioned son what caused me a feeling of deep scalding surprise.

Story 1. Young people get married, live separately from their parents. Sometimes they visit their mother-in-law and father-in-law. As soon as they cross the threshold, the mother-in-law "wipes off" the daughter-in-law and speaks only to her son, as if his wife does not exist in nature. After all the ceremonies and feeding of the beloved child with lamentations like “no one except his own mother will give the boy a meal,” the mother-in-law triumphantly sits down … on her son's knees! And, embracing his neck, whispers something intimately in his ear, giggling like a young girl. The daughter-in-law is embarrassed, offended, angry with her husband, asks to talk, to explain to her that this is impossible. He only sighs in response - but what can I do! It's MOM!

Story 2. Copier of one story - young people live separately. When they come, the mother-in-law will definitely perform the "massage from the son" program. To do this, after feeding and kissing the child, she reports pains in her back that torment her, slowly removes her outerwear, remaining only in underwear and showing her rather large breasts, which are slightly falling out of it. After that, he walks with the gait of a graceful hippopotamus to the sofa, lies down on it and unfastens his bra with the sound of a gun firing. The son dejectedly goes to the sofa and begins to massage the mother's back. At the same time, it produces sounds that can be separately recorded for scoring films such as "Das ist fantastisсh" (dastish fantastish 😊). Neither buying a subscription for a massage nor talking helps. The subscription burns out, undress in front of a stranger / spend money / travel / find time, etc. mother-in-law is not ready. The daughter-in-law is embarrassed, offended, angry with her husband, asks to talk, to explain to her that this is impossible. He only sighs in response - but what can I do! It's MOM!

Story 3. Everyone lives together: mother-in-law, father-in-law, son, daughter-in-law, because there is no way to rent a house. The daughter-in-law is close to a nervous breakdown. Mom visits their bedroom every night. The daughter-in-law does not sleep very well (in war as in war) and wakes up on the way to the insinuating creak of doors. The mother-in-law, like the spirit of the night, sneaks up to the bed to … straighten her son's blanket! Sometimes she stands for a minute, two, three, five, admiring what she calls her “beloved man”. No more and no less - just like that! The daughter-in-law is embarrassed, offended, angry with her husband, asks to talk, to explain to her that this is impossible. He only sighs in response - but what can I do! It's MOM!

I was impressed. All mothers-in-law are with higher education, quite normal, healthy women, married. And here you are - neither the presence of a husband, nor the skill of reading books, articles and Internet portals stops them from those actions that psychologists bashfully call psychological, or platonic incest.

They call their "child" from one to fifteen times a day. And it doesn't matter that the child is already over 40 - "he is still my son"! As if someone is challenging this right and trying to adopt him - like "You, mom, move over, now I will be his mom."

This they say veiled and from this even more poisonous muck about the daughter-in-law. Everything in her is somehow so, but not so … Everything in her somehow, but not that … They discuss her as a real slave owner, trying to understand what is "functioning" in this slave, what is "spoiled", as if persuading themselves and others, that she still has some advantages: "Of course, she recovered and does not cook very well, but she loves her grandchildren and cleans up cleanly." And you won't understand - praised or devalued …

They talk about their son with aspiration and piety - his genius is not questioned, his golden character is praised in poetry and prose, the strength of his spirit is such that supermen, they are people X, should be his hired workers.

They are beautiful in their motherly love.

But they forgot one small detail - after giving birth, you need to cut the umbilical cord. It is necessary - period. Otherwise, both mother and child will eventually face infection, illness and death.

You notice - lately there are many legends around the umbilical cord. There are also stories about the fact that it is not necessary to cut it right away. Perhaps 5-10 minutes do not play a role, but when a woman wants the umbilical cord and placenta to “stay” with the baby for a week or two, it’s strange. As well as stories about the miraculous umbilical cord blood, which must be collected and hidden, as an elixir of eternal life (forgive those who believe in this - I do not want to offend anyone, but doctors somehow need to make money on human illiteracy). About feeding the child until "until he refuses himself", and the photo "my 11-year-old son came from school and kissed his breast." No comments!

It seems to me that all these are links in one chain - the unwillingness to recognize your child as a separate organism, and over time - as an adult. Disability. Infantilization. Holding in the child's position with the "Yazhemat!" An attempt to manipulate with eternal gratitude: "I gave you life!"

And when they live in a wonderful and indestructible dyad "mom - son", everything seems to be good. They live for themselves and live. Well, she doesn't have a man - maybe she doesn't need to. Well, he does not have a girlfriend - so maybe not everyone needs to look for a girl and reproduce: the planet is already overpopulated. They live together - and nice!

Problems arise when a third object appears - an evil and vile love-loving daughter-in-law. She “climbs” into a sacred union, breaks the bond between mothers and children and “takes away” an unintelligent, underage “child” far from the magic breast with the milk of eternal youth. After all, the truth is - while the son "sucks" the mother, he remains her baby. Her child. Her boy.

And the daughter-in-law is a challenge. It is a fact that the son has grown up. The "mother - child" dyad at this moment turns into the "adult woman - man - adult woman" triad. As soon as this happens, there is a bifurcation point, or a point of choice. Will the new couple follow the path of their development? Will the son leave his mother - at least psychologically? Or will a struggle begin, as in the Solomon's court? Only in the well-known Old Testament story did the real mother refuse to chop the child up because she really loved him. But in reality, she often "cuts" her son on the living, because it is important for her to own him. Dead or Alive.

I was a daughter-in-law. I hope to be a mother-in-law. I am an active family psychologist and I hear hundreds of different stories about relationships in this fatal triangle: a triangle where the son, in the framework of the wave-particle theory, is either a particle or a wave. Depending on the observer - in our case, the mother-in-law - he is either a "little boy" or "an adult man." When he does something for his family, for his wife and children, she needs either a son or a man, tearing him away from his own life.

I will make a reservation - I do not mean extreme cases, such as "mom got sick", "mom needs help" or "mom has force majeure." I'm talking about a chronic stressful situation when a mother ALWAYS needs a son. That is, an absolute priority at any time of the day or night, when illness and force majeure are at the same time. Or if the mother-in-law uses different ways to play with her daughter-in-law in the wonderful quest "guess what I have prepared for you and see how you cope with it."

So, with the advent of the daughter-in-law, triangulation arises - interaction with three communication channels, where the relationship of two depends on the third. Let's try to describe these three objects.

Object one - THE BRIDE for the mother-in-law, she is WIFE her husband. A girl or woman, young or not, with or without children, married and hoping to live happily ever after with a man. She may have different types of character, varying degrees of sanity or violation, but it is she who is the official wife and has all the ensuing rights and obligations.

Object two - A SON for mum, HUSBAND for the wife. It is his role duality for these most important women in life that leads to a conflict of loyalty. The son loves his mother - and this is natural, normal, honest. She raised him. She loved him as best she could and could. And if he and his mother have a cold or not very close relationship, he looks for warmth, love, care in other women and, with a high probability, finds in his wife. There is no conflict - everything is clear.

But if the mother and son are still connected, if the umbilical cord is not cut, the conflict is inevitable. For my mother, like an old prima ballerina who shone even before the First World War, does not want to “leave the stage” and give way. Become a mentor, friend, staying a mom - but not trying to dance the role of Odette and Odilia at the same time. When a new prima appears, the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law often becomes a Black Swan, destroying her son's marriage and depriving him of love. In the life of his son, there are enough other problems and real enemies. However, he often does not see the substitution and does not notice the moment when his mother, like Odilia, takes his love, his strength, his energy only in order to continue the eternal corps de ballet named after himself.

Object three - Beads … She is MOTHER own son. I just want to talk about it in more detail, because you can devote volumes to psychoanalysis of the relationship in the "mother-son" dyad, but still not get off the ground. There are many reasons for the emergence of problems and difficulties, and they can be caused by 1) personal pathology of any of the participants 2) problems in a new family, family of origin or extended family 3) problems of a social nature.

One of these social problems is: that in our culture boy still often valued above girls … Sad but true. The gender revolution is slowly growing its fruits, but it is still far from full maturity. Therefore, the girl, who was given to understand that she was "not ice", very highly appreciates such an event in her life as the birth of her son. She now has a penis, and she created it herself. It's just on an external medium - like on a flash drive, but you can keep it close to you and regularly download / record information.

She has been doing this for many years. And if the mother is good enough, healthy enough and conscious enough, she realizes that she writes down some of the information not for herself, but for posterity - grandchildren, granddaughters, great-grandchildren and great-grandchildren. And, of course, for the daughter-in-law - the woman to whom she must pass her son with love and joy. A little sadness is quite acceptable, but if the son marries, the mother understands that she has fulfilled her function quite well and prepared her son for life with another woman. With a woman who suits him as a wife, she will give birth to children - her grandchildren and live happily with him or not very long or not long - how it will turn out.

But many mothers do not agree with this, although they have a huge period of time - 15, 18, 20, and sometimes 25 years next to their son. But no one told them: “Enjoy motherhood, invest, love, teach. But when the time comes, let it go. He cannot be with you forever. Let him love. Let him choose. Bless him to live with the one he chose."

And she lives, as if not knowing that everything - both good and bad in our life - comes to an end. And it seems to her that her son will be there forever. And suddenly - as in the song of Viktor Tsoi:

Today they say to someone: "Goodbye!"

Tomorrow they will say: "Farewell, forever!"

The wound of the heart will faint.

Tomorrow, someone, coming home, will find its cities in ruins;

Someone will fall off a high crane.

Watch yourself, be careful! Watch yourself!

Watch yourself, be careful! Watch yourself!

For such a mother, “giving” her son to someone is not possible. Better "from a high tap." Better "war, epidemic, blizzard." Because he is just her. And she is terribly jealous of him, as if at the moment he turns into a man who needs to be recaptured from another woman by any means. And he is terribly jealous of his daughter-in-law, because she has SUCH HUSBAND.

Sad. Very sad. But what to do?

Answer: choose your mother-in-law wisely.

"How?" - you ask? Do we choose the mother-in-law? We choose a husband!

But don't be under any illusion. Do not imagine that you are only marrying him. You marry the whole family - and there is not only your mother, there is also her alcoholic brother, and his henpecked father, and the kindest grandmother, and the reveler grandfather … All these characters will periodically "appear on the stage" of your relationship, because Your husband "swallowed" them a long time ago. He ate character, behavior, demeanor … But he usually "ate" his mother more and longer than others - so your mother-in-law will be with you as long as you live with this man. She, like a spirit, will be present in your kitchen, when he suddenly looks critically at the mountain of unwashed dishes, and in your bed, when he turns away in offense and demonstratively falls asleep …

And the spirits are different - good and evil, vindictive and caring. Therefore, before you say yes and slide the ring deeper onto your finger, answer yourself the question: Are you ready? Do you know your mother-in-law well? Does it suit you exactly?

Think: for life with which mother-in-law in your husband's history will you be given an Oscar in the Drama nomination? And remember how dramatic works usually end. To facilitate the process of thinking, I will try to list the distinctive features of a mother-in-law, who will definitely not allow you to live the way the heroines of beautiful and light serials live:

domineering

always knowing how and what to do right

with the high art of manipulating other people, especially the son

denying personal boundaries

constantly criticizing everyone and everything, angry, ill-mannered

knowing what is good for her "boy" and having the tools to influence her son

hating all females approaching her son closer than 10 meters

psychopathic, borderline, asocial, using.

And if you love this man, you need to find out if protective or protective factors work. Because it is he who must protect the borders from mommy. He - from yours, you - from yours. So, shoulder to shoulder, defending your independence, outlining and repelling boundaries, you will become independent and free. But not at once. Or never - if your husband:

obeys his mother and still believes that his mother knows exactly what is best for him;

succumbs to her manipulations and protects mom all the time, not you. But his mother will not give birth to his children, will not live with him in sorrow and joy, will not be his little girl, mistress, queen, friend … She is VERY BIG anyway. She is his MOTHER - and that's quite enough. This is her main role in his life - and other people can play other roles. This needs to be conveyed to him - if he hears;

does not understand what “boundaries” are, and allows his mother to creep into his life, wallet and bed;

allows mom to criticize his choices, his wife and his life, and is unable to protect you from it;

feels irrational guilt before her mother: “We are fine, but she is alone there / with an alcoholic father / with a cat and grandmother … I cannot be happy in this situation!”;

remains an infantile, little boy in those situations where he is quite capable of coping with the challenges of life, and always tries to attract his mother to find a solution.

Together with your husband you will stand and overcome everything. Together, as a single whole, for the Bible says: "And a man will leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two will be one flesh." But if differentiation did not take place, if the umbilical cord was not cut, you have no chance, because like a she-wolf protecting a wolf, like a lioness, ready to kill for a lion cub, so is a mother who did not let her son go, did not allow him to grow up, did not accept his independence, will fight with you to the end. And if he is not on your side, but on her side - bow your head before the power of this abnormal, pathological, but still love - and, having cried, say: "I agree." And, turning your back to the past, look for an adult man, not forgetting to check the condition of his navel and the absence of an umbilical cord there with his mother at the other end 😊