LET'S! TAKE IT! ASK

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

All three of these words are closely related, since asking for help, accepting help, and being able to help involve the same trauma in all people.

Our psyche in all these processes uses the same mechanisms of psychological defense.

As a bonus, the theme of charity is well woven into this trinity.

And now for more details.

Most likely, each of the people noticed one phenomenon. You provide someone with help (on an ongoing basis, or periodically or one-time, but on a large scale), and expect gratitude from him, but instead you notice that he, on the contrary, is emotionally or physically away from you. In his words, stinging taunts slip into your address like “Well, you have a businessman,” or “We all know how you make money”, “You always got it easier, but for us…”. Covert aggression, barbs, devaluation, and sometimes open aggressive attacks against you. And you are at a loss, because you clearly did not count on it!

Yes, this is what happens most often. The person asking for help will automatically move to a position lower than the person asking for help. The one who takes the help, as it were, signs his own insolvency to resolve his issue on his own. And the one who provides this assistance turns into the arbiter of my destiny.

Many people find it very difficult to ask for help from other people, so as not to experience this humiliating feeling. And here the psyche, in order to protect itself and survive this humiliation and not collapse, chooses one of three options:

1. In general, do not ask anyone for help, but do everything on your own, even if it requires extra effort.

2. The person enters into an ingratiating, derogatory, infantile position.

3. Or behaves like a commander - a dictator. He doesn't ask at all, he gives orders. At the same time, the tone is as even and steel as possible, so that no one even understands how I really feel.

The one who gives, on the wave of pleasant feelings, may not notice this tension of the one asking. Or maybe notice and refuse.

If, nevertheless, the request is voiced and help is provided, then the depreciation of the giver will turn on in order to align your positions with him. Therefore, our psyche is looking for flaws in the benefactor. To either not be grateful or not to feel obligated and again to regain a position of significance.

Therefore, most often the helpers (givers) do not feel gratitude, but feel negative from the person whom they helped. In connection with this psychological stress, sayings arose that if you do not want to spoil the relationship, do not lend money. Or “Do good to people and throw it into the water”, “They are not looking for good,” etc.

But even from the position of a person providing a service or assistance (a benefactor), it is also not so simple. The very scheme of what the giver is higher makes it possible to compensate for his inner inferiority and enjoy his power over the one asking. Therefore, we have so many rescuers and benefactors, and the stronger and more painful the inner feeling of our failure and inferiority, the more and more one may want to save everyone around, help and do good, even if no one asks. By such actions, the benefactor for a short time feels himself wealthy and significant. Remember the threat "well, you ask me for something else", which sends us to the insignificant position of asking. This phrase should put us in our place, in the position from below.

I am not suggesting that all acts of gratitude have hidden benefits. People can easily give benefit out of excess. But if the giver himself is not doing well, then there is a high probability that he will receive compensation from this in the form of significance against the background of the welfare of the recipients.

All these states go back to our deep childhood, when we really were dependent on another (parent, adult) and could not do anything ourselves. This feeling of being unable to cope on our own was total and made us vulnerable, vulnerable and insignificant. And the adult had tremendous power over us. Therefore, every time we have to ask, take and give unconsciously evokes in us those strong feelings that we experienced during this period. This is a rather traumatic moment, so our psyche, in order to protect us and not destroy us, includes mechanisms of protection, idealization and devaluation.

What to do? Is it possible to normally ask, give and receive, and at the same time not feel like nothing but an all-powerful god?

Yes, it is possible. But first, let's conduct an experiment.

Say the phrase "Could you help me?" or "I need your help!"

And track how your voice sounds: haughty, in an orderly tone, ingratiating, insignificant and or something else.

What does your body feel when you say this: it wants to shrink, shrink, tears with anger or resentment, maybe you automatically turn away or avert your eyes, or something else.

Now take the place of the one from whom you allegedly asked for help and become him. With his eyes, look at yourself asking and track what feelings you now have when this person asks you for help: stinging, disgusting, disgust, arrogance, a sense of power, or you just feel good. Perhaps your body will straighten or even get into some kind of position.

Now you see yourself in the role of asking and giving.

Perhaps in this experiment, in the role of the giver, you felt like a parental figure, a boss and even began to behave like him, and in the begging figure you were a child. This indicates injury.

Is it possible to ask, give and receive help without these states?

Yes you can, but there is a way to go.

On this healing therapeutic path, you first need to plunge into this childhood trauma and admit that there and then, I really was small and addicted, but now I have grown up and I myself can do a lot for myself and others.

But in order to ask for help, I also have to acknowledge and accept the fact that there are many things that I cannot do, since I am only human and my resources are great, but not limitless.

Understand and accept your strengths and weaknesses. Realize and acknowledge that other people have strengths and weaknesses and that their strengths can be equally shared, cooperated and grateful for help.

This work of reclaiming your worth will bring you fruit in other areas of your life and will allow you to stop wasting your energy on devaluing yourself and others.

I wish you the best of luck along the way.