2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Let everyone in, not let anyone out?" About personal boundaries
Does this happen to you? A friend (colleague, relative) speaks and speaks without stopping (about himself, his problems or successes) and you no longer know how to get rid of him, annoying. You listen with half an ear, look away, fidget in your chair, trying to make it clear that, they say, you have to go, you have business. But he does not seem to notice and continues to broadcast like a carefree parrot bird, non-stop. He doesn't even pause where you could insert your own: "Sorry, I have to go." And interrupting somehow … it's inconvenient. So you toil, cursing everything in the world.
Or, for example, a friend makes a request, but you have no time, not up to him now. But it's hard to refuse. And you agree, despite the fact that you will have to spend the time you need yourself, you postpone business or rest.
Do you find it difficult to ask for help, however small? Do you think - why strain a person? It is better to do it yourself, otherwise it will refuse or in response will ask you to do something difficult for you.
Does it happen that you solve other people's problems to the detriment of your interests?
Do you continue to communicate with those who do not love you, do not respect and - accordingly - act with you without asking if it is convenient for you? One of my clients answered this question: “Oh, how tired I am of the“lovely”relatives who every summer without warning (read: without a declaration of war!) Come to our dacha on weekends. And they also behave as if they were made happy with their presence. They rest, have fun: kebabs, drinks, endless conversations. And my husband and I want to dig in the beds, enjoy the peace and quiet. We get tired of the city noise! But you can't kick it out - they'll be offended. Relatives all the same ("be it wrong" - quietly whispers to the side).
If you recognize yourself in these situations, it means that something is wrong with your personal boundaries. Weakened your boundaries.
People with weak boundaries often spend enormous amounts of energy, which they need, trying to maintain relationships, even though they realize that those very relationships are destroying them. Why is this happening? This is often associated with a fear of loneliness, uselessness, or judgment. "If I don't meet the expectations of others, they will leave me." It is the desire to be "good for everyone." And a straight road to neurosis!
What to do?
First: to understand that we - by ourselves, as a person - are not needed by such people. We need something from us - our time, energy, attention … If you stop giving all this, you will be abandoned, do not hesitate! So is it worth wasting your life just to maintain your illusion of being needed?
Second, take responsibility for life in your own hands and manage it as you see fit. Only you decide where to spend your strength, time, energy. Your no means your boundaries to others. They will be violated exactly until you decide for yourself who and how close to let in your life.
Live your own life, not someone else's. And then she will delight you with all her colors!
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