You Have To Forgive

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why do I think the comments are from the "you have to forgive!" - crazy and toxic. When they are still in posts about parents, I attribute this to Stockholm syndrome or to the commentator's fear that his children will also come with questions about their childhood. And so he wants to spread the straws in advance. But when I read this today under the post of a woman who has been beaten by her husband for many years. And her, and small children. And he drove out into the street, and generally did what abusive husbands do in horror films. And she immediately: you will forgive him and have pity!

So, why this is not possible: firstly, in such a situation you need to feel sorry for the victim, not the rapist. Requiring the victim to feel sorry for the rapist is some hellish upside-down world. Secondly, for forgiveness and pity, a huge resource is needed, which the victim would also better spend on himself or on his relatives, and not on the rapist. And most importantly, one cannot forgive the fact that he does not consider himself guilty and does not ask for forgiveness. You can survive the situation, forget, let go, but not forgive. Otherwise, it is quite easy to find yourself in the very same codependency and in a situation of serial violence. You in the face, and you forgiven. You are in the face again, and you have worked on yourself so much - and again forgiven. Actually, the story with "be higher and forgive the one who hurts you" is very beneficial for rapists. She shifts responsibility for the deed onto the victim. The victims are generally quite nasty - they cry, complain, cause unpleasant feelings. Let them quickly forgive, forget, become cheerful and contented and stop tormenting us with their sufferings! In addition, it is very convenient to always have an all-forgiving person at hand. Whatever you did to him, but he took you - and forgave! He doesn’t want to be offended by the evil beetle, does he?

In order to actually forgive a person, he must (himself, the first!) Take quite a few steps.

1. Admit what happened. Usually rapists already at this stage say that they do not remember anything, you are confusing something, you are inventing something, I could not have done this, you are generally some kind of crazy, you need to see a doctor.

2. Take full responsibility for what was done. Not "you drove me." Not "my life was hard." Not everyone did it. And - yes, I did it.

3. Apologize and repent. Sincerely. Not: you twisted my arms, well, excuse me. Oftentimes, an apology fails because the abuser thinks about how to maintain self-esteem in the process, rather than about the victim's feelings.

4. Probably the most difficult point. It is necessary to be very clearly aware that one time with explanations and apologies is often not enough. That one "sorry" does not negate the years of injuries. That the victim will come back to those events over and over again and will have to repeat points 1-3 over and over again in order for her to believe - you are sincere. You really are. Her feelings are more important to you than her sense of self-importance. Because it usually happens that the rapist thinks that after the apology, the story is reset, everyone has forgotten everything and started from scratch. And only this nasty victim does not want to take everything like that at once - and forget. But he wants to discuss and over and over again make sure that the apologetic has really changed. (By the way, this often happens during adultery. The cheating side is frustrated and offended that the one who was cheated on cannot forget everything immediately after being apologized to him).

5. Try to compensate with something important for yourself and necessary for the victim. Well, like, how Germany paid money to the affected countries and peoples. Yes, that money will not return the killed, but it will help the survivors to make their lives better. Compensation is not always material or money. This can be physical assistance. It could be some kind of emotional complicity. It is important that the one who is asking for forgiveness is determined to make up for the damage in some way. Even if you broke a thing that a friend lent you, you don't just say "I'm sorry, please." You say, "I'm sorry, please, can I buy you one like this?" And the lost years, psyche, health, faith in people are much more than a broken thing. Another thing is that the victim can refuse compensation. Or maybe agree. But offering to show that your remorse and apology are not just words, that you are willing to actively earn forgiveness, is essential.

After all this, a person can be completely forgiven) And before that, just close the door behind him and forget, like a bad dream. To build a different, new and happy life, in which there will be no place for violence. Something like this.

PS. And no, kitchen psychologists are wrong. The property of a healthy psyche is not to forgive violence. The property of a healthy psyche is to protect oneself from it, to leave where it is bad. And to climb into the thick of it in order to understand the subtle mental organization of the rapist is a property of a deeply traumatized, codependent person.