Country Of Unsolicited Advice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When I come home, one of the things that literally knocks me off my feet is the flow of advice. Sometimes it seems that if someone, in principle, has something to say, he will definitely say something or advise. I have not forgotten that this is just such a lifestyle, but, probably, out of habit it may seem that people consider you an incapacitated, unadapted monster. They will give advice on how to raise children, and what potatoes to buy when you are in the dairy department, and how to apply cosmetics. Actually, this behavior has always bothered me. Some indistinct people constantly climb into your boundaries with good intentions, and you have to fight them off in different ways. True, this does not stop them. And if you can get out of the tram with an uninvited counselor, then you cannot easily hide from family counselors. There are people who regard every problem and even every breath as the desire of the interlocutor to get some kind of advice or to hear an opinion. This is considered a virtue, because "in our time, no one gives good advice for free." you are incredibly lucky that you have such a wonderful advisor, full of worldly wisdom and willing to sow good and eternal into your life. Well, what if you don't need this very kind and eternal one? As it turns out, only 6% of people evaluate unsolicited advice positively, 56% are categorically against it, and 36% agree to unsolicited advice if it comes from the "right person." Those. someone they respect or consider to be an authority. Advice that no one asks for or expects often hurts and annoys people. At the same time, many people have the opinion that the adviser criticizes, condemns, or even humiliates with his remarks. Sometimes advice is not only unexpected, but also incorrect, concerning topics that a person is not ready to discuss with strangers. Or just the topic can confuse someone or cause him negative experiences. While many counselors consider themselves to be benefactors and altruists, in reality their motives are often not so altruistic. When giving advice, a person wants:

1. Feel needed
2. To be right.
3. To be loved.
4. Hear gratitude and feel your own importance (yes, thanks to Ivan Ivanovich, for the fact that we have so much fun).
5. Demonstrate your experience, scars and awards (when I was … I did … despite … and now I'm doing well)

Many people give advice in order to feel superior.

Anxious people often give advice. For them, this is an attempt to control the world around them. If someone surrounded by an anxious personality does not know what to do, then the whole life can collapse and chaos ensues. If people around them act on advice, then the risk of chaos is significantly reduced. Also, quite frequent advisers are people with pathological feelings of guilt and shame. They feel obligated and responsible to give advice, because if they don't give it, the people around them will get upset or in trouble. And from this it will be ashamed, and the blame will lie solely with the one who did not give advice on time. A very common option for unsolicited advice is a banal projection. If a person sees someone next to a life situation or a problem consonant with his own, then he begins to pour out advice on what to do. He seems to be dealing with his problem this way and does nothing risky for himself. Most often, advice “how to make a million” is given by those who can hardly make ends meet. In general, if you are not asked, then it is better not to give advice (except for situations associated with a threat to life). You can advise out of a sense of friendliness or empathy, but the end result is an unpleasant situation. After all, you do not always have all the information that will make it possible to judge what is happening with another person and what to do about it. Yes, the problem of the other may be very familiar to you, but still you do not know what the person himself really wants and what outcome suits him. He can say anything, but in his heart he wants something completely different. Note that we often give advice not only from our bell tower, but also from the point of view of our experience and imagination, what we would do in a given situation. People often, when giving advice, broadcast their own experiences and fantasies to another. Moreover, people very often advise what in fact they themselves would never have done. For example, girlfriends are very eager to advise other women on how to build a relationship with a partner. In fact, they never act on their own with their husband or boyfriend. In addition, when giving unsolicited advice, you should take into account that people very often wait for it in order not to take responsibility for choosing or making a decision. Those. if they fail to do something on your advice, they will put the blame on you. Here, they say, he did what this goat told me, and now I’m taking care of it. And if they succeed, they will come to you every time for advice, until they fail. Well, and there, after the failure, again you will be accused. Those. you are to them with all your heart, he is to you, the opposite place. Others do not need advice at all. They already know what to do, but they are afraid to take the last step and are looking for information that would support their decision. They may well just take the piece they like from your advice, do it their own way, and then again accuse you of "bad advice." But this does not mean that you should never, never, under any circumstances, give advice. This should be done, but according to certain principles.

1. Don't give advice unless asked to. It happens that people with all their appearance demonstrate that they need advice and they want it, but the cockroaches in their heads do not allow them to do this. If people do not express their need for advice in words, then they do not really need your advice.
2. Nevertheless, if such a situation has arisen, it is not superfluous to tell the person that they are ready to give advice or state their thoughts, if he needs them.
3. Talk about your experience more often and emphasize that your experience is not absolute. Those. what works for you may not work for the other person. Or share information about a question of interest to a person. Give as many options as possible for solving the problem. Let the questioner choose. When you say “if I were you, I would do …”, “you need to …”, “all normal people …”, then you take responsibility and make a decision for another person. For your expression already contains what is right and what is wrong.
4. Don't make plans for other people. This is responsibility for the actions of another, well, and … some things in theory are difficult to assimilate. We need to gain experience in practice. You can talk about diving and mountaineering as much as you want, but a person needs to learn to dive and climb the mountains himself.
5. Do not attach your soul to other people's problems. Give people space and the ability to solve their problems on their own. This is their life and they must be responsible for it.

And do not forget that unsolicited advice is a violation of other people's boundaries. If you go there, into other people's borders, then this is your problem that you have not solved for yourself. Take care of yourself and your problems first. If you are harassed with unsolicited advice, do not be afraid to remind the person that he has jumped into someone else's territory and is not welcome here. Don't be afraid it will look impolite. Giving you advice without your desire is very impolite, so it is quite adequate to rebuff the advisor. Author: Natalia Stilson