How To Talk To Assholes: Advice From Renowned Psychiatrist Mark Goulston

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Instructions on dealing with unbearable people, how to deal with people who threaten business. The author explains how to gain control over irrational people and how to deal with reckless clients, manipulative colleagues and crazy bosses.

Feel free of guilt

It happens that we suddenly realize that we are suffering in a relationship with an irrational person simply because we do not want to drop ourselves in our own eyes. We are too scared to admit that bad thoughts have long been wandering in our heads like "I hate you and I want you to disappear" or "if you would rather die, otherwise I will die."

It is important to realize that having such thoughts in itself is normal and does not make you bad, but it is a sign that it is time to stop communicating with an irrational person.

Don't even think about continuing the relationship - just walk away.

It is possible that the person will try to get you back.

In this case, use the following principles:

- Don't react. Don't let yourself think that this person's problems are your area of responsibility or the result of your mistakes. Repeat to yourself: "This is his point of view, his problem, his responsibility."

- Don't risk it. Do not give this person any chance to misrepresent your words and make you guilty or responsible for the situation.

- Don't reanimate. Do not allow situations in which the person would try to revive your relationship and start manipulating you again. Once you start using these principles, go all the way. At first, the irrational person will most likely try to drag you into the relationship again, but if you do not give in, he will eventually switch to another victim.

Personality Disorder Test

A quick way to recognize a person suffering from personality disorder, and it's not difficult to use it even on a date, even when applying for a job.

Ask your interviewee what has annoyed, upset, or disappointed him in the past, and try to understand who he thinks is guilty.

Does he say something like:

"I shouldn't have given up painting"?

Or formulates it differently:

“I wanted to be an artist, but neither my parents nor my first wife supported me”? If a person suffers from a personality disorder, they will likely begin to blame others - and it will be clear to you that it is not worth continuing the relationship.

Six main types of people with personality disorders

Hysteroid:

people of this type need increased attention; it is unpleasant for them when someone else is in the center. Such people perceive those around them as spectators gathered to contemplate the next drama.

Narcissistic:

these people consider themselves to be the center of the universe. Try talking to them about your interests or needs, and they will immediately get bored or even angry. They expect special treatment from everyone and do not even think that they are burdening others with it.

Dependent:

irrational people sometimes become emotionally dependent, but now I'm talking about those who are constantly dependent on others. They need support: they are not able to make a single decision, they are not ready to act on their own, they are afraid to be left alone.

Paranoid:

such people need to constantly know where you are going, when you will return, and with whom you are spending time. No matter how hard you try to assure them of your loyalty, they are unable to trust.

Borderline:

such people live in a state of permanent crisis, they are constantly afraid that you will leave them or begin to control them. And that's why they sometimes idealize you and sometimes hate you. The best sign that you have BPD is your constant fear of upsetting and pissing him off, because when this happens, he or she reacts disproportionately to the problem.

Sociopathic:

at first, such people often make a very pleasant impression, but they are not capable of compassion and sympathy, they are not familiar with the reproaches of conscience. It seems to them that they have every right to do whatever they want to achieve what they want, they do not care about your feelings, and they, without hesitation, hurt you if it suits them.

Don't hang out with psychos if you can

Instead, consider whether you should continue to communicate with the person suffering from personality disorder at all.

Are there any reasons to stay in a relationship if this person is able to draw all the strength out of you?

You will not keep money in a deposit account if the bank stopped charging interest, would you?

Surely you decide to take the money to another bank, where you will be offered reasonable conditions.

The conclusion from our reasoning is as follows:

If you haven't invested too much in your relationship with the person with personality disorder yet, consider whether it might be wiser to end it altogether.

I endlessly have to deal with such people - but this is my job. If you don't have a good enough reason, take care of yourself.

How to respond to an irrational attack - just be silent

When an irrational person attacks, your first instinct is to hit back. But that won't work.

So don't count it as an attack.

Change your attitude by stopping and saying to yourself, "This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control."

Then shout or swear at the interlocutor properly - to yourself, not out loud! - using any suitable words. Then don't do anything.

Just take a break.

Then think again, "This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control."

If the amygdala continues to bite at the bit, you can silently yell at yourself.

For example, say something like, "Mark, I didn't give a damn about this self-control, let's just check the hell out!"

Then take a deep breath and repeat, "This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control."

At this point, your interlocutor is already waiting for you to go into a defensive position and start screaming, crying or running away.

When none of this happens, he will be disarmed.

Now look your opponent directly in the eyes and say, bewildered, but without anger: “Well, well, well. And what was it?"

Let the other person verbally pour out on you again.

And then say something like this: "I can't say that I like your tone, but I still don't want to miss anything: what exactly are you trying to convey to me?"

"Not your best performance, but tell me, what do you want me to do or stop doing so that this conversation does not happen again?"

At some point, if you keep your composure, your interlocutor will understand that wild bucking no longer works.

Now you can turn the conversation on a more positive ground. Even if you don't get the chance to talk to a crazy person on that particular day, you will be proud of your behavior.

How to recover from a madman's victory - apologize

If the conversation with the madman did not go according to plan and you lost control, it is possible that you said or did a lot of hurtful things.

If so, you should sincerely apologize.

This is very difficult - and yes, I know it seems completely unfair. Because, from your point of view, the irrational person himself drove you to a breakdown.

However, apologizing will disarm him and make you feel better.

So walk up to the person and say, "I would like to apologize for being so vulnerable and sensitive to your words."

Most likely, something else interesting will happen. The person may turn to you and say, "I know my actions disappoint you too."

From now on, your conversation will veer into a completely different direction. I understand that this behavior seems unfair to you.

It's not you who are screaming, you are not crying, you are not saying terrible things to another.

Usually, in the course of the confrontation between rational and emotional clients in my office, it turns out that at some point the logical partner, consciously or unconsciously, deeply offended his more sensitive soul mate with coldness, arrogance, reprimand, disdain, or mocking ridicule.

This means that both sides are guilty and each of them should apologize. I'm just asking you to do it first.

Help the "splitter" accept rejection

The Splitters are a reflection of the entire Western civilization.

In other cultures, people often hear “no” and learn to live with it. But we are not accustomed to the fact that our desires are not taken into account.

Splitting is a form of manipulation where the splitter tries to drag you into a game on their side against the person who turned him down.

This is a dirty game that can destroy the relationship between two people being pitted against.

Action plan:

If someone tells you a story about the betrayal of someone they trusted, check the facts. If you think splitting is going on, show the other person that you figured out his trick.

Then talk to him about how to deal with disappointment without falling apart or talking to other people.

If a similar situation arises at the workplace, save time for all parties to the conflict and call the person who answered “no” while the interlocutor is in your office. If possible, transfer the call to speakerphone.

This way you will avoid playing with the "spoiled phone" and quickly determine whether the interlocutor is exaggerating and whether he understood all the facts correctly.

Ask yourself the question: "How sane is the person who said no to my interlocutor?"

If there is even a small chance that the person is irrational or aggressive, consider this. If not, then you are dealing with a "splitter".

Pause.

Then look at the interlocutor with an innocent and surprised look and say:

“Before I take any position, maybe you can explain to me why this person answered you“no”? What exactly did you tell him? We both know him, and he usually behaves intelligently. He wouldn't hurt you for no reason."

At this point, the "splitter" is often indignant:

“You're both the same. Always take each other's side."

Here's what I said to a family member who was literally paralyzed by the prospect of hearing no:

“The better you deal with failure, the higher your expectations will be. If the word “no” becomes just a minor nuisance for you, you can dream about anything. But if every refusal knocks you off your feet, your dreams will always be limited."

A conversation like this takes patience and tact, but by the end of it, you’ll have achieved three goals.

First, you will support the side of the person who said no.

Secondly, show the "splitter" that you have solved his game. And thirdly, and most importantly, you will help the “splitter” to understand that “no” is not the end of the world. Help the person accept the rejection, and he will no longer want to manipulate people to hear "yes."

Flatter the know-it-alls for your own good

All know-it-alls play tag. Their version of the rules sounds like this: I have insulted you (devaluing or humiliating), but you cannot insult me (because my confidence in my own splendor is unshakable).

This game cannot be won, so don't start playing it.

Instead, do something that the know-it-all does not expect: agree that he is incredibly smart. Flatter how well he understands everything.

Use the following epithets: wise, thoughtful, intelligent, brilliant, outstanding.

And then say what you want to say: "People would appreciate your mind if you did not make them hate you."

So your words will correspond to this person's picture of the world, and the bitter pill will be easier to swallow. If the know-it-all is already in your livers, then such flattery will have to be spoken with reluctance.

But the trick is to focus on the ultimate goal: to make the person better behave. If you achieve this by flattery, then the game is worth the candle.

The more you flatter the know-it-all, the less likely he will start humiliating you:

If you have to work with a know-it-all, determine in which areas he is truly a professional.

When you meet him, start with the following information.

For example, say:

- "You have an amazing talent";

- "You are our best designer";

- "Your ideas are fresh and new";

- "You have a great sense of color";

- "Your last presentation is just great."

Next, explain that the know-it-all's actions are detrimental to him, but do it in such a way that these words reinforce your flattery.

For example, say, “Our junior designers have so much to learn from you. But when you sarcastically or abruptly cut them off, they walk away from communication, which means that they are not getting the potential benefit. I think if you could find a way to speak to them as a teacher and not as a critic, they would learn a lot more from you.”

Always deny manipulators

Manipulators are a special kind of madman.

Their behavior does not work in the long run as most people turn away from them. But it is very good in the short term, and such people do not see beyond their own noses.

Manipulators try to turn their problems into yours, and they will succeed if you let them. They will squeeze you out emotionally and sometimes financially. And no matter how much you help them, they will come next week (or even the next day) to help you with the next problem.

In the book I Hear Through You, I suggested techniques for getting rid of manipulators.

Wait for them to ask you to do something for them and answer:

“I'll be glad to help you. Here's what you can do for me."

This works great with small manipulators, but often doesn't work against real professionals.

In the latter case, you will need a more powerful weapon. I know of two approaches to such manipulators. I call them "resolute refusal" and "polite refusal". If you are naturally gentle, use the second option. But, if you have the courage and you are not afraid of confrontation, do your best to use the first method.

Decisive refusal

Imagine an emotionally dependent human manipulator.

Let his name be John. John turns to you every day for a week, whines or becomes completely limp and asks or even demands that you help him solve his problems.

Once again, when John does this, do the following:

- Let him speak, blame someone, whine or complain. - Pause. - Say: "Well, either everything will be fine, or everything will be bad, or everything will remain so, or none of the above options." “Let him speak up and moan again. (And he will whine, because he will be upset that the manipulation did not work.) - Pause. - Say: “Oh, I'm sorry. Or the answer will be different. And what is this answer, I do not know. " - Let him complain and moan more. - Pause.

“Say,“I don’t think I can help here. I hope everything works out. I'm sorry but I have to go . “If John needs the last word, don’t resist. Then say goodbye and leave (or hang up).

Here is the decisive rejection option that I use. It is similar to the one above.

I say this: “I see. Now what?"

While the person is whining, I notice, “Looks like there is a lot to be done, so it would be good to start dealing with this early. What will you do first?"

If the whining continues, I answer: "Well, I'll go, tell me later what you decided to do about it."

After that, I calmly leave.

Help the "crooked mirror" win the approval of the bosses

Nothing deprives directors and managers of the respect of subordinates more than manipulation by those whom I call "crooked mirrors." You know who I mean.

Here's what these people do:

- communicate well with higher-ranking colleagues;

- rubbed into the credibility of their superiors, surreptitiously providing "intelligence";

- win the love of bosses by providing personal services that often benefit the boss himself rather than the company;

- substitute more competent colleagues, slandering them;

- manipulate bosses who are poorly versed in people;

- they are much more successful in coping with "political games" than with their direct responsibilities;

- seem more capable to higher-ranking colleagues than equal or subordinate;

- mainly care about their own safety, and not about other people's needs, including the needs of the boss they are courting;

- do not perceive accusations or criticism of their actions (or inaction);

- they are afraid of those who show high results, because their own incompetence is so visible;

- hide their inappropriate and hypocritical behavior, blaming others, apologizing or minimizing criticism of others;

- nothing stops them when they try to hide their dishonest behavior.

"Crooked mirrors" break through only in those companies where there are weak points.

And often the weak point turns out to be an impeccable chef, whom such people can easily charm and manage.

Such bosses often hide any serious flaws, and they are afraid that this information will be revealed. Many of them have unmatched charm and charisma, but they lack business acumen. By providing cover and feeding their egos, crooked mirrors give these bosses the feeling that they are more competent and admirable than they really are.

What can you do if you show excellent results and thereby pose a threat to the “distorting mirror” that is trying to discredit you with its manipulations?

Unfortunately, if the manipulator has already charmed the boss, you are unlikely to change his mind.

You have as many chances to turn the situation in your favor as to convince a parent who has been blinded by love that their "sweet boy" is lying and stealing.

There is one method based on the fact that the "crooked mirror" has two goals: to flatter the boss and cover up his own incompetence.

The trick here is to help the crooked mirror achieve both goals. However, I warn you: do not use this method until you have thought through all the details, including how the situation could turn against you. In particular, evaluate how it will affect your relationships with other colleagues.

You will never make a "distorting mirror" your friend or ally, because you will always be more competent, which means that you will always remain a threat. But if you show that you can help him achieve his goals, then from the category of enemies you will move to the category of "friends-enemies", which will make such a person less dangerous.

Action plan:

Think about what this person is really really good at. Everyone, even the most incompetent, has some kind of talent or ability.

Think about how this trait can benefit your company.

Brainstorm this opportunity with the crooked mirror.

Help the mirror make a plan and stick to it.

Find a way to draw the attention of superiors to what is happening so that the "mirror" is praised.

Remember that such a person is able to smell a catch and think about why you would help him if he is constantly trying to set you up. If asked, be prepared to respond.

From the book "How to Talk to Assholes" by the famous psychiatrist Mark Goulston.