2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“It's time for you to have a baby”, “you coughed, drink (name of the antibiotic)”, “throw it up, it doesn't suit you”, “become a vegan, meat is evil” or a trendy theme in coffee shops - “try sugar-free coffee, you will like it.
People who are given unnecessary advice usually feel angry. But he does not always understand why. Advice not asked for is like poop in a pretty wrapper. First, you need to unpack it to understand what was actually handed to you. Unsolicited advice is wrapped in all sorts of worries and desires to help, the wrapper is written "with all my heart." And it is somehow uncomfortable to be angry at a person who is so much concerned about your well-being.
A counselor who tries to do good in this way solves not so much other people's problems as his own. He may thus want:
- control (control, as a defense mechanism, helps to cope with anxiety, to feel safe);
- to feel superiority (that is, to pump up self-esteem, with which not everything is ok);
- to feel needed, loved, significant.
Unsolicited advice is a gross violation of boundaries. This is almost always a depreciation, implicit or explicit. In my opinion, advice is generally harmful, with rare exceptions (this is not about consulting a specialist, but about this everyday "what should I do"). Giving advice does this based on his experience, outlook on the world, his life circumstances, his desires. All this is likely to be very different for the advice of the recipient. Usually, when giving advice, people transmit their own experiences and fantasies to another. Moreover, people very often advise what in fact they themselves would never have done. For example, girlfriends are very eager to advise other women on how to build a relationship with a partner. But, in fact, they never behave like this with their husband.
When you give or receive advice, it is worth considering who will be responsible for the consequences of its implementation. Especially when it comes to a serious life situation. Very sobering.
To give advice is to encourage another to do something for the consequences of which the adviser will not be held accountable. Asking for advice means trying to shift the responsibility for your decision to someone else (which will not succeed, the person asking for the consequences will have to face the consequences anyway).
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