Liberation From Codependency. A New Look

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the moment of birth to two or three years, the child completes the solution of a number of problems of his development. The most important psychological developmental task during this period is to establish trust between mother and child. If the establishment of basic trust or connection was completed successfully, then the child feels safe enough to engage in the exploration of the external world and subsequently, at the age of two or three, complete his so-called second, or psychological birth. Psychological birth occurs when a child learns to be psychologically independent from his mother. An important skill that a child acquires upon successful completion of this stage of development is the ability to rely on his inner strength, that is, to declare himself, and not expect that someone else will control his behavior. The child develops a sense of self, which enables him to learn to take responsibility for his actions, share, interact and restrain aggression, relate adequately to the authority of others, express his feelings in words and effectively deal with fear and anxiety. If this stage is not completed to the end, the child becomes psychologically dependent on others and does not have his own clearly felt “I”, which would distinguish him from others.

Adult codependency occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish a relationship with each other. In such a relationship, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Relationships cannot be lasting because they are always focused on the other person and what might happen. This leads to the fact that such people try to establish control over each other, blame each other for their problems, and also hope that the other will behave exactly as his partner would like. In such cases, people do not focus on their inner feelings and self-development. The focus is always outside, not inside.

While the mainstream medical model claims that codependency is a hereditary disease caused by unknown causes, or a disease associated with alcoholism, or being born into a dysfunctional family. In any case, it is considered incurable. The authors of the book Berry Winehold, Janey Winehold "Liberation from Codependency", believe that codependency is an acquired disorder that is the result of a developmental arrest (delay) or associated with the development of "sticking" that can be cured.

If you are addicted, then you:

unable to distinguish between your thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others (you think and feel responsible for other people);

seeking the attention and approval of others in order to feel good; Feel anxious or guilty when others “have problems”;

do everything to please others, even when you don't feel like it;

do not know what you want or need;

leave it to others to determine your wants and needs;

believe in what others know better than you, what is best for you;

Get angry or discouraged when things don't go the way you would like;

concentrating all your energy on other people and their happiness;

trying to prove to others that you are good enough to love you;

do not believe that you can take care of yourself;

believe that anyone can be trusted;

idealize others and get discouraged when they do not live the way you hoped;

whimpering or pouting to get what you want;

feel that others do not appreciate or notice you;

blame yourself when things go wrong;

think you are not good enough;

you are afraid of being rejected (rejected) by others;

live as if you are a victim of circumstances;

are afraid to make mistakes;

want to please others more and want them to love you more;

trying not to make demands on others;

afraid to express your true feelings for fear of rejection;

letting others hurt you without trying to defend yourself;

do not trust yourself and the decisions you make;

pretend that nothing bad is happening to you, even if it is not;

always find something to do to distract yourself from thoughts;

do not want anything from anyone, but you also experience difficulties alone with yourself;

you see everything either in black or white light - for you, either everything is good, or everything is bad;

lie to protect or shield the people you love;

Feel intense fear, resentment, or anger, but try not to show it;

find it difficult to be intimate with others;

find it difficult to spontaneously entertain and act;

constantly feeling anxious, not knowing why;

feel compelled to work, eat, drink or have sex even when it does not give you any pleasure;

worried about being abandoned, feeling bogged down in a relationship;

Feel like you need to coerce, manipulate, beg, or bribe others in order to get what you want;

cry to get what you want; afraid of your own anger;

feel that you are being guided by the feelings of others;

feel powerless to change your position or make changes in yourself;

think that someone has to change in order for you to change.

Someone once said: you will learn that you are a dependent person when, dying, you find that not your own, but someone else's life flashes before you. The characteristics of codependency reflect an external view of life as an important channel. Codependency in relationships occurs when two people, looking in each other for what they feel is not in themselves, come together to form one integral personality. Each of them feels that they are not able to fully realize their potential without the help of the other. This is exactly what interferes with personal growth and development. Over time, one of the two - the one who grows up - gets tired of a far from holy union and tries to change the state of affairs. Lack of information about the causes of codependency or the means of psychological support necessary to destroy this model, as a rule, leads such a person to failure, and he again falls into a codependent relationship.

Recovery from codependency.

The method of personal recovery from codependency is seen as an extended 12-step process. It can be briefly described as follows:

1. Assume that there is a problem that you cannot solve with the resources and information you have today.

2. Investigate the real causes of your problem.

3. Learn to identify the symptoms of the problem in accordance with the real situation in your relationship.

4. Stop blaming others for your problems.

5. Stop blaming and torturing yourself for your mistakes and lack of perfection.

6. Stop using power games and manipulation to get what you want.

7. Be prepared to ask for what you want.

8. Learn to feel the fullness of your feelings, and to express all your feelings.

9. Take steps towards a fuller inner understanding of your feelings, thoughts, values, needs, desires and dreams.

10. Learn to define your psychological boundaries in relationships with other people.

eleven. Learn to be intimate with other people so that you can get the information you need, learn from them to maintain and establish relationships in order to recover from codependency.

12. Learn to live in a flexible balance of relationships of your true self with other people, providing maximum opportunities for the development of your full potential.

For most people, the healing process usually takes a lot of time and effort. We generally recommend that people plan to spend about one month in recovery for each year of their lives.

Berry Winehold, Janey Winehold "Liberation from Codependency"