2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Kitchen. Evening. He and she are trying to make dinner.
- What are you spreading your hands here like a fool! Get away!.. Bring it! … Give it!..
- Yes, now, don’t shout, don’t you see, I’m busy … Now I’ll come and do it.
One gets the feeling that his words do not hurt her. No, she doesn't hold back so as to bang him in the head. And he does not swallow the tears that have come to his throat. She is calm, like a deaf-mute man, on whom a car is moving behind. She doesn't hear. Doesn't hear anything in his words that could hurt her feelings. Everything that happens is commonplace. He does not break down doors, does not rush at her with a knife, does not threaten to strangle children. So, everything is fine. This is an ordinary life.
In this pair, the tolerance for emotional abuse is quite high. A woman is not something that “prefers not to hear” her husband's insults, she really does not hear them, does not perceive them as something out of the ordinary. The level of what she is able to endure without noticing is very high. She does not hear her husband's attacks on children: his hissing towards the younger one, "assaults" towards the older one. The younger one is still offended, in his eyes treacherously no, no, yes, and tears will flash, and the elder has already waved his hand and took his father's “love-hate” for the truth of life - something with which he will have to live and that he cannot change in any way.
But even this woman has a limit to which she is ready to endure her husband's nagging. This is the moment when he rushes at the elder or starts yelling at the younger like a zealous one - at the moment when emotional abuse turns into physical. Then she, like a wild cat protecting the cubs, turns her anger towards her husband and puts him in his place. That's it, the detente has come, the explosion has occurred. The family still continues to shake from what happened for some time, but soon everything returns to normal, and a new cycle of domestic violence begins.
The cycle of domestic violence: growing tension - relaxation, explosion (beating in the event of physical violence) - "honeymoon" (expiation of guilt, acceptance of gifts) - growing tension, etc
The most important thing to understand is that both the man and the woman are aware of what is happening. This cycle is known to both.
There is a kind of tacit, “unspoken agreement” between them - what I am ready to endure from you and in return for what.
The terms of this contract are known to both, although they never spoke about it.
“I am ready to endure your drinking, your attacks on children, your grumbling in my direction, your neglect and aggression, your penny earnings in exchange for staying by my side, sometimes take care of me, and while you are doing repairs in the house."
The husband also has that he is ready to endure, receiving compensation for this.
"I am ready to endure your coldness and contempt in exchange for the fact that I can live in your house, eat well, sometimes have sex with you and feel protected from the outside world and stability, knowing that I have you and have a family."
This contract works as long as both comply with the agreement, and until the level of tension begins to go off scale and rip off the lid.
When one of them no longer has the strength to hold such a colossal amount of aggression inside, the lid will rip off. And at this point, a transition to physical violence can occur.
There are couples who do not turn to physical violence for years and decades, raping each other only emotionally. People learn to skillfully avoid sharp corners and escape from contact at the right moment, thereby avoiding explosions of aggression.
In families living under conditions of physical and emotional abuse, children are often the lightning rod. Sensing the approach of a thunderstorm, they take the blow, defusing the situation before the level of aggression reaches the maximum.
Life under conditions of physical and emotional abuse becomes a familiar environment for a child, in which he eventually begins to feel like a fish in water. He knows all the laws, he has learned to survive in this aggressive environment. And since he has learned to survive, this environment is perceived by him as completely safe. The pain and bitterness is that after a couple of decades, becoming an adult, he will only perceive such an environment as safe and dear.
Choosing a partner for life, a grown-up girl will unconsciously find someone who will help her live according to the scenario she has been accustomed to since childhood, she will perceive such a man as the safest for herself. And the one who cannot provide her with the usual scenario of interaction through emotional and / or physical violence, she considers strange, alien, incomprehensible and very unsafe. “He was acting strange. He was very gentle, bought flowers, started giving gifts and invited me to get married. This alarmed me. I said no and broke up with him."
A man will also look for his woman. The one that is not from this opera will leave after the first episode, and her own will remain. And he will endure for a long time, often all his life. Not with him, so with another.
This is the question of how we make a choice. And that sometimes, having sensed your man, you need to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
At the end of this article, I want to write what we can consider to be emotional abuse. With the physical, everything is more or less clear, but the emotional is often perceived (due to the "peculiarities of upbringing" and "family traditions") as a norm of life, as "just such a love."
threats, blackmail, accusations, manipulation, shame and intimidation. emotional abuse is the way in which this is possible in a relationship
Each of us has our own personal portrait. If you are in such a relationship for a long time or get into them over and over again, then somewhere deep inside you perceive them as optimal. You have chosen a person with a similar personal profile as a partner who maintains such a relationship. But this does not mean that today you have no choice.
Being aware of their reactions, their habitual scenarios of behavior. you can see how you react in such a relationship, what you include in yourself, how you make a choice in favor of this or that decision, how much you contribute to keep the relationship just like that.
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