2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"My suffering would be insignificant if I could describe it, but I will not even try. I am looking everywhere for my dear daughter and I cannot find her. My daughter, love me constantly: my soul lives with your love. You are all mine. joys and all my suffering. When I think that the rest of my life will pass away from you, this life seems to me covered with longing and darkness. Friends want to prevent me from thinking about you, and this offends me."
From the letters of Madame de Sevigne
About a third of parents, mostly mothers, suffer from what is called "empty nest syndrome." This is a form of depression that leads to feelings of abandonment and emptiness when children leave the house. Their departure brings a mixture of joy, happiness, pride, but also sadness and anxiety … How to get through this difficult period?
The departure of children from the parental home is one of the key stages in the life of a family. This is the beginning of a new chapter in the life of parents, this is a very difficult moment, since the parental function, and especially the maternal function, is transformed and becomes less in demand. The mission to "protect the child" is being pumped in at this point. The feeling of emptiness that arises after the separation of an adult child has never been so strong, since in modern society, children are always at the center of family relationships. This period brings anxiety and stress, because you have to learn to let go, not control their life. This is natural and expected.
We must bear in mind, in advance, that our children will one day be living without us. They don't belong to us. Our task is to educate them so that they can live away from their parents. You can start preparing your child for an independent life in advance, while he is still in college or graduating from school, this will help you and him a little easier to survive the separation in the future. In this case, children become less dependent and more independent, which also usually causes anxiety among parents, but to a much lesser extent than a sudden move.
So that life does not stop after the departure of the children, it is important to discover your interests and comfort separately from them even before this event. To have a profession, personal hobbies, a circle of acquaintances, a hobby, and not fill all your living space with children - then the separation will be easier. If, for example, a mother is in a strong symbiotic relationship with a child, does not have her own personal life, other important relationships, activities, then the move will cause fear, anxiety, a feeling of emptiness, perhaps even resentment or anger. These experiences are very difficult to deal with alone. And here it is important to understand that the child did not disappear anywhere, did not disappear and did not reject you, but there was an increase in the distance in your relationship, but you also have the opportunity to communicate, meet, see each other. Without separation, further development is impossible, neither yours nor your children. The most important thing that you could do - you have already done.
Children, in turn, may feel guilty when they leave their parents, especially for the youngest or the only ones. Parents also have their own experience of separation and it is important that they remember and analyze the experiences that arose when their independent life began. After all, the reaction to the departure of children directly depends on how the parents experienced a similar situation at one time, or, for example, they may not have such an experience, and then they have to face something for the first time.
For a married couple, in connection with the departure of children, they have to return to relationships with each other. If the family system previously functioned at all levels, that is, the relationship between mother and child, father and child, and mother and father were well built, then this situation will be less traumatic … If, for some reason, the relationship between mom and dad was not established by this moment, then after changing the composition of the family, they will have to meet each other as if anew, without the context of active caring for the child. This is also not easy. It takes a lot of time and effort to find new common ground in a relationship.
In any case, no matter how hard it is, try to find joy, pride in your son or daughter, they have a new stage in their life, exciting and interesting, and they may need your support
The easier you can let go, the easier it will be for them to turn to you for help or do something for you, and then the relationship will become even stronger and more trusting, and not vice versa, as it seems at first glance - more distant and colder.
Being close does not mean loving, and being at a distance does not mean being dismissive.
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