MEETING PLACE - EMPTY NEST

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A family that has fulfilled its parental function can be compared to an empty nest. In psychology, the period when the last chick flew out of the nest is usually considered a crisis. It can proceed more or less smoothly if the couple managed to let go of the children and at the same time maintain a close relationship with them against the background of well-being in the marital subsystem. The severity of feelings is associated with how successfully the couple could solve the problems of previous crises. If the tasks that the family faced in earlier periods of their life cycle were not solved, or were solved partially or formally, the burden of unresolvedness passes from one period to another, and it may happen that by the time the last (or the only) child, this load has become too heavy. With the departure of children, the structure of the family changes: the triangle that has existed for a long time, which included mother, father and child, is transformed into a conjugal dyad.

With the successful resolution of the previous crisis (the chick looks out of the nest), the adult child acquires the freedom to establish new relationships, retaining the ability to approach his parental family, restoring for a while "triangular" relationships, and moving away from it. It is necessary to establish a new balance of proximity and distance and change the role structure of the family.

The two must meet again, the relationship of the two again comes to the fore. The meeting place for the "two" becomes this empty nest, in which there are no more problems associated with solving physics problems, choosing the best place and method for spending the holidays, puzzles, which educational institution is the best for getting an education, passing a session, etc. It happens that a meeting does not happen, two are so far from each other and unable to build a bridge to each other, that everyone is looking for a way to be in this empty nest. There are not so few ways: to interfere in the affairs of your children, to be dissatisfied with your daughter-in-law / son-in-law, to become an “ideal” grandmother / grandfather, eternal patients of clinics, active retirees, etc.

In the psychological literature, the tasks of the family at the stage of the "empty nest" are considered through their intersection with the problems of adult children and grandchildren who are going through their own stages of development. This is all described in sufficient detail. But I would like to get away from the usual terms - "system", "subsystem", "dyad", "role", etc. "To leave" in this case for me is to carry out a creative process that includes regrouping the already known around a new point or selected fact. With this new point, I consider the "meeting of two".

M. Buber's main idea was that "life is a meeting." He described the tragic incident when a frustrated man came to ask him for advice. M. Buber was busy, but talked to him, but a real "meeting" between them did not happen. The man left and committed suicide.

I will give an example from practice (dialogues are reproduced with the consent of the couple). A married couple applied for a consultation, I will name them Lena and Anatoly. Lena and Anatoly are of the same age (46 years old), married for 26 years, they have a son who was finishing his education in England and planned to stay there. Both Lena and Anatoly work in the field of education, are satisfied with their work and the level of material income. They live in their own apartment, both parents are alive, relations with relatives are good, with their son as well. After the departure of her son to study (which was an important and significant event for every family member, to whom everyone was striving), after a while Lena “had changes in character”, only her husband's “character changes” were concerned. With all the other relatives, Lena's character remained the same. Lena associated character changes with the impending climax. There were incomprehensible, groundless "skirmishes" between the couple, which had never happened before. Both spouses treat each other with respect, which probably prevents the escalation of "skirmishes". Here is how Anatoly justifies coming to the consultation: “I want to help my wife, and so that everything is normal, because what is happening is not very normal”. Lena: “I don’t even know, there’s just something wrong, we lived peacefully, everything seemed to be fine, but I really changed, something was wrong, I don’t want to disclaim responsibility, I wanted to visit a psychologist myself, but my husband said maybe we should go together."

The spouses were offered a one-time individual consultation with each one. Anatoly (energetically): "Of course, yes, I agree, any help, I will do everything to help, we need to figure it out." Lena (quietly, thoughtfully, interested): "Yes, I'll come." During individual consultations, it was found out that the spouses have no "secrets", each tried to preserve and normalize relations, and everyone saw the problem in Lena.

After three family consultations, during which the focus was somewhat shifted from the problem in Lena to the detection of a “common enemy”. The couple were clearly motivated and interested in the work, and there was a high level of trust in the consultant. At the end of the third meeting, Lena unexpectedly asked: “Maybe it is still worth coming to you separately? Well, I was just thinking about it, I think it makes sense. This can move us more quickly, I think it is useful when I am next to you, I, perhaps, rather learn, find answers, look at the situation more broadly. I don’t know if you don’t mind, of course.” Consultant: "Anatoly, what do you say?" Anatoly: “I think my wife is right, but it’s definitely right.”

Fragment (1) from an individual consultation with Lena:

Consultant: Lena, can you tell me what really made you come here, to me?

Lena: I want to advance, I want relief. Maybe I'm in a hurry. I want everything fast? It's impossible … I guess? (in italics it says embarrassed, guilty).

Counselor: The desire for relief is natural.

Lena: Yes, but you need to be calm (smiles). I am grateful to you that you agreed to meet with me (at the last word, turns aside).

Pause.

Lena: I wanted to ask, can there be any other exercises to do at home, tasks … Well, to figure it out.

Pause.

Lena: I'm incorrigible, like a schoolgirl, right? (laughs).

Consultant: It is difficult for me to confirm or deny this now (smiles).

Lena: I want to understand what is happening, to understand myself.

Fragment (1) from an individual consultation with Anatoly.

Consultant: Anatoly, how are you?

Anatoly: I can see changes already now, it was necessary to turn to a specialist earlier, to start doing something earlier. Good business (nods pointedly). And the wife's proposal to visit you additionally is right.

Fragment (3) from an individual consultation with Lena:

Lena: After our last meeting with you, I left you in a good mood, even so upbeat, but the closer I got to home, the mood deteriorated, something went wrong, I was angry with myself, what was wrong … where did this gloom come from, irritation?

Consultant: What do you feel now, Lena?

Lena: Now something strange, uncertain …

Consultant: Uncertain …

Lena: Well, yes, it's so different. Well, everything is mixed. You know, I think so, I cannot cope with myself, I am not adaptive, I … Forgive me, I behave like a snot.

Long pause.

Lena: Something I can't understand. I believe, I really believe that everything will be fine. And everything is going well.

Consultant: As if there is something that makes you doubt …

Lena: Yes, something vague.

Consultant: Indistinct … Lena, where is this indistinct?

Lena: In me, in my body.

Consultant: Indistinct … Let the indistinct say something.

Long pause.

Lena: I can't say something indistinct.

Consultant: To do? Can it do something?

Lena: It does, apparently … It worries.

Consultant: Disturbing … as if demanding?

Lena: Requires. Yes, this is more accurate, it requires.

Consultant: Let him say what he needs, what does it require?

Lena: I don't know, honestly.

Consultant: Lena, you don't know, but this is something vague, maybe he knows?

Lena: It knows, it knows, but it doesn't tell me.

Consultant: Indistinct in the body, so you said?

Lena: Yes.

Consultant: Try to place the inarticulate somewhere here, well, on that table or windowsill, wherever you want.

Long pause.

Lena: It cannot be transferred, I try, but it does not move.

Consultant: Maybe it's not time yet?

Lena: Maybe.

Fragment (3) from an individual consultation with Anatoly.

Anatoly: I thought about your words … It seems that you are hinting that I just come here … in vain. It's like I'm not doing anything. I didn't get it, to be honest. Well, (laughs) I don’t understand… I understand. But what should I do? I want to help my wife and me, you are also helping, I see.

Consultant: Yes, you came for help, but here, when I am with you, I want to understand you.

Anatoly: I see … Can I help you somehow? Well, do something?

Consultant: Yes, of course, only you can help me.

Anatoly: I'm ready (moves deeper into the chair).

Consultant: Good. Help me understand, now you are saying that you are ready, and at the same time, I noticed, you move a little further away from me. I want to understand …

Anatoly: What, I moved away?

Consultant: We should take advantage of your willingness to help me understand you. Let's start with this episode.

Anatoly: Good. I'm ready.

Consultant: Great, so what made you move away?

Anatoly: I think this is mobilization, readiness for action.

Consultant: So you took the pose of the ready-made?

Anatoly: Yes, exactly.

Counselor: Tell me about the readiness pose.

Anatoly: Yes, I … actually, what to tell (laughs).

Consultant: Well, what is her life, how she lives, what she does, what she wants, what she is afraid of.

Long pause.

Anatoly: Afraid to be unprepared. He lives according to the rules, maybe even according to one rule, according to the rule of readiness, and all the other rules, they are derivatives of this main rule, does different things, fulfills his function, wants to comply.

Consultant: To conform … is it important, to conform?

Anatoly: Of course. Be ready to act.

Consultant: Anatoly, when you took this pose now, what were you going to correspond to and what were you going to do?

Anatoly: Well, the roles of the ready-made, well, as you said, help me understand you, I must correspond to … this. Now wait … I am ready to cope, I must correspond to the role that I occupy here and do what this role prescribes (in italics it says, as if typing words).

Consultant: That is, you have to be adequate to the role?

Anatoly: Yes. There is a certain situation with my wife, as a husband I must correspond to the role of a husband, there is also a role here, I don’t know what to call it, but I understand that there are my responsibilities. I try to cope.

Consultant: I heard you right that being a husband is a job for you that you try to cope with, and there is a role here too, and you try to cope with it.

Anatoly: Yes, that's right.

There were seven individual consultations with Lena and six individual consultations with Anatoly (the last consultation was canceled by Anatoly due to a traffic accident in which he was a participant).

During the counseling of the spouses, a lot of things happened that could be called successful: "changes" in Lena's character were no longer so categorically associated with the impending climax, moments of Lenin's sudden change in character were found, an empty nest was designated as the "culprit" of the deterioration of relations, the vacuum of which was filled by "character changes", the "deterioration" of relations was reformulated as a way to bring something into the relationship and thereby protect them, Anatoly became closer, more initiative. But it must be emphasized that these people did not apply at the stage of an acute conflict, did not blame, as is often the case, each other, did not threaten divorce, they came as "highly functioning personalities" wishing to normalize their relations. And I saw "normalization", but Lena and Anatoly were so "normal" from the very beginning that it was formally easy to determine what the consultations really brought to their lives, but internally difficult to distinguish. I will call this period the plateau period (in principle, this could be the end and be happy with everything).

Fragment (6) of an individual consultation with Lena.

Lena: You know, today during a break I drank coffee, looked out the window, thought about our meeting today, and I felt somehow sad, but you know, such a light sadness, so I feel sad about my son. Yesterday we spoke on Skype, I noted how happy he is, very good mood, I thought maybe I fell in love (laughs). Here, and then gradually I noted this, it seems to me that you guided me towards this, I mean how it appears (I must say that from the side of the consultant there were no direct instructions, orientations, there was nothing to "mark") this demanding " indistinct ". It makes me feel bad.

Pause.

Lena: No, well, you can live with this (laughs).

Consultant: Is it possible to live with this, as if to endure?

Lena: Yes.

Pause.

Lena: I also wanted to say that I … excuse me, I remember that this is something vague, it was in my youth, and then it passed away. Maybe it will pass again, yes, then it turns out (thoughtfully), I just thought it might be physiology, but it was the same in my youth, so it has nothing to do with it, although hormones, who knows …

Consultant: Lena, you talk about it over and over again, go into this river again and again, and go out again, as if you had just wet your feet.

Lena: What can be done to make me go further into the river? If something is possible, I want it. Yes, I want … But I would not like to know something unpleasant, that I am bad, maybe.

Consultant: Lena, is it indistinct here now?

Lena: No. Not now.

Consultant: It does not require, passed?

Lena: Yes. I don’t know if it’s gone completely or not, but now it’s gone.

Pause.

Lena: I'm afraid. Now I understand for sure that I am afraid.

Consultant: Are you afraid right now, what, Lena?

Lena: Yes, now … although no, I understand that I am afraid, but now there is no fear. I'm afraid my relationship with my husband will get worse. That I’ll go off.

Consultant: That it's all in vain, you just tied something and hold on, but you can break?

Lena: Yes.

Pause.

Lena: I don't know. There are two lines of thought. Hormones act on me, and that explains everything. Or is it just something incomprehensible, double, two worlds, one house, two floors, life on the floors is different, the house does not know who it belongs to.

Pause.

Lena: I just don't understand these moments. All is well, though. But at this moment, when this demand comes, everything collapses.

Consultant: Demand destroys “all is well”?

Lena: Yes. Indistinct demand. Now I feel such anger, but it seems to drive away this indistinct sensation.

Consultant: Are you chasing him away with anger? Is it receding?

Lena: It is retreating, yes, it is retreating, you know, like an animal that wanted to attack the baby, but is frightened by the appearance of the baby's mother.

Consultant: How do you feel about this animal?

Lena: Sounds like gloating. Well, as you know, get it. Triumph.

Consultant: Lena, what kind of animal is it? Can you see him?

Lena: A mixture of a tiger cub and a wolf cub, somehow I see him.

Consultant: Oh! Is this not an adult animal?

Lena: No, small, but predatory.

Consultant: What can you tell us about him?

Lena: It wanted to eat, decided to go hunting, saw a deer, decided to attack, but the deer jumped in time.

Consultant: Here the question is, for whom on time.

Lena: Well, yes, for this wolf cub is not at all the time, for the fawn and his mother - just right.

Consultant: What about your sense of triumph?

Lena: There is no triumph, now it is calm.

Consultant: What does it look like calm?

Lena: On them, these deer that just lie in the meadow, or on that house with different lives, when these lives just left to rest, and he is resting without them….

Pause

Lena: Well, it turns out, I thought that I was not going into the river, because I was afraid to find something bad, but it turns out that I faced anger, yes, anger is bad, but it turns out not so scary. I don’t know… Something… I….

Pause

Consultant: As if confused …

Lena: Something, yes.

Pause.

Lena: I need to pull myself together, I'm somehow tired.

Consultant: Did you give too much energy to anger, triumph?

Lena: Yes, like after a hard day at work …

Long pause.

Lena: You know, there are different working days, there are so many things: stress, lectures, students, and individual lessons, and then pleasant fatigue, and sometimes a squeezed lemon that is not capable of anything. Does that happen to you?

Consultant: Yes, I know what you are saying.

Lena: And why, perhaps, the weather, the state of health, the amount of sleep?

Consultant: It plays a role, but I noticed something else, more obvious to me. There are lectures, for example, after which I feel, as you said - like a squeezed lemon, there are when fatigue is really pleasant. I noticed that I was a squeezed lemon when I just “read” and they (students) wrote; pleasant fatigue when I "shared" with them, and they with me, when there was an exchange of energies, reciprocity.

Lena: Oh, yes, indeed, it is. Yes, yes (thoughtfully), it is. Quite right.

Pause.

Lena: It turns out that these animals of mine did not have an energy exchange (smiles).

Long pause.

Lena: It turns out that … but what happens? (smiles).

Consultant: And what happens, Lena? (smiles).

Pause.

Lena: Well, in general, it's absurd. The absurdity turns out. I will explain, I began to think that the anger of the mother-deer is not mutual, that is, that the tiger-fawn, oh the tiger-wolf cub (laughs) should have responded in the same way - with anger, but he was scared, that is, there was no exchange … But this the same absurdity.

Consultant: You don't seem to trust this exchange, as if you can't believe it?

Lena: Well, yes.

Consultant: Isn't that true?

Lena: Well … I'm talking about absurdity.

Consultant: Lena, where do you speak from when you say that this is absurd?

Lena: From a place … this place … this place is logic.

Pause.

Lena: No. I understand that logic is not the ultimate truth, I understand that, but now logic clearly indicates absurdity.

Consultant: Good. I understood. Lena, where is the place, the point from which this idea, this absurd idea begins to unfold?

Lena: To be honest, I'm talking about the place, maybe I don't fully understand what exactly you mean? About the place of absurdity, I said, logic, this is … Explain.

Consultant: You can now internally reproduce the course of this idea, which is absurd. And feel the place where it originated? Try it.

Long pause.

Lena: This place is deep in me.

Consultant: In the depths …

Long pause.

Lena: Somewhere in the center, right here (gesturing to the solar plexus area).

Pause.

Lena: This place, remember, I said that it was indistinct in me, in my body, it was right there, here is some place of the Sabbath of all my devils.

Consultant: I remember. Lena, can you turn this spiral, this idea? Can you see how it moves?

Long pause.

Lena: Not so simple, you know, this is the place of the beginning. I begin to think, and, you know, there is some difficulty, that is, I feel the beginning, there is no absurdity, no contradictions, and then bang - absurd, but in this chain, something falls out, as if. I've never passed out, but I think it might be like that. That is, here I am in consciousness, here without, here again in consciousness. Something … no, maybe the example with the loss of consciousness is not so successful. Here at our dacha, it means that I go out into the kitchen, and here is something yurk, and the next thing I see is that there is no meat on the table. I understand that it was the cat who stole him, but he dodged so much that I didn’t see him. Here it is somehow the same, an eclipse …

Consultant: Lena, I heard right when you start expanding this idea from the place to which you point, and which you feel there, deep in your body, at some point you "fall through" and reappear with a conclusion - absurd.

Lena: Yes, that's how I fail.

Long pause.

Lena: I … I, after these words, failed

Consultant: What was it like now?

Pause.

Lena: Looks like it? It looks like when you read a book, not fiction, but scientific literature, and now there is some place in that book that is not clear, I try to understand it, reread it several times, but nothing happens, and I leave this piece of text, I give up. It looks like surrender … I cannot comprehend this, this is a dark place for me, but the place of my failure …

Pause.

Lena: And then, I read the book further, something is clear, but something is not, and I don't know anymore, this new place is not clear, in the sense that a new idea is not available to me, or it stretches from there, from that very first incomprehensible place. And then, too, I draw conclusions - it is absurd or the author is indistinct.

Consultant: The author is indistinct …

Pause.

Lena: (grinning) The author is indistinct …

Pause.

Lena: I understand, I am the author …

Pause.

Lena: I just thought now how everything that has been happening all this time is connected with my husband, I don’t know, in general with my life … but it’s so exhausting, it’s exhausting, how are you … I don’t know …, hard this …, but something, you know, in these books, in which it is difficult for me to understand, in these it is, not only in them, of course, but in them often it is in them that there is something for me, something that is … although both absurdity and indistinctness seem to be present. Then, it happens, I come back, after a year or two, and it’s understandable, then it’s nice, but I don’t understand why it wasn’t clear then.

Consultant: Have a break?

Lena: Yes (smiles). Yes, I took a breath.

Pause.

Lena: I want to ask. That this wolf cub could really be angry? Well, isn't that absurd? (alarmed, suspicious).

Consultant: How does it look now? Absurd?

Pause.

Lena: Oh my God!

Pause.

Lena: Amalia, I really don't know what's going on. I don't see any absurdity right now. He's gone.

Pause.

Lena: Help me, I don't understand, I remember exactly this obvious absurdity, but now there is no absurdity. Help.

Consultant: Lena, something is really happening, I would even say that something has already happened. Give me your hand. I see you are scared?

Lena: Yes, I'm very scared.

Consultant: It can be seen, Lena, I'm here. Lena, logic is not the ultimate truth, these are your words. The reality of logic is in doubt, it is scary, but you and I are real here, there is no doubt, and no doubt that I am holding your hand. And the fact that you are afraid is reality.

Pause for three minutes.

Lena: Thank you, I’m calmer, I was so scared, it’s nothing incomparable in my life. I'm not ready to figure it out now, but … if not now, it's not … I don't know what I'm talking about.

Consultant: Lena, if you are not ready, we can not continue, it’s not easy, I know it’s not easy for you now.

Lena: We can next time start from this moment, from the moment when I began to say that there is no absurdity? I would like.

Consultant: Lena, if next time it will be important for you, of course.

Fragment (7) from an individual consultation with Lena.

Lena: I would like to continue. I didn’t think about it, the fear that arose in me was too great, I didn’t think about it, I didn’t analyze it. But what happened was just a persistent memory, but not so detailed, large.

Consultant: Was it easier for you to think about it as a whole, without breaking it down into parts?

Lena: Yes. Memories of the event, as from the side.

Pause.

Lena: I would like to return, but that fear …

Counselor: Are you not sure if you can handle your fear?

Pause.

Lena: No, it's terrible, but you helped me get through it, if from my words you thought that I was giving up, no, no, I want to. It's just, actually, not even fear, I just can't figure out where to start.

Consultant: Lena, if it's easier to look at what happened from the outside, that's how you seemed to say, no, you said, as Lena said, remember, it seems like that.

Lena: Yes, yes, it was easier for me to remember from the outside.

Consultant: Good. You can try to look from the outside now. Try not to remember, but now look at what happened from the outside. And to tell me what you see, Lena so far is only what you see.

Pause.

Lena: Yes. Good. I want to go deep into the river. Because I often go to her, I only wet my feet and that's it. I understand that I am afraid, afraid to ruin everything. But anger, she's a deer, drives away this indistinct feeling, she's a wolf cub. I feel triumph. Fatigue. I'm a squeezed lemon. The fervor is what happens. I want to compare the familiar feeling of exhaustion from non-reciprocity, from the lack of exchange with this story …

Pause.

Lena: Am I doing the right thing?

Consultant: Do you have a feeling that something is wrong?

Lena: No, you can. I just don't understand, I say what I see? And in general is this what you need? I want to start over. What I said cannot be called "not that", but I will not name "that" either. Do you understand?

Consultant: As if there is something behind this?

Lena: Yes. At first I started to speak, and it was right, but then I … Okay, I think I just calmed down, there is no fear. Now, definitely not.

Pause.

Lena: I say what I see? So?

Consultant: You say what you want.

Lena: Yeah. So … I'll talk about the most important thing. I'm sure of the absurd, one hundred percent sure, this animal has no right to be angry, but then inside me this place, as you said, from which everything begins, not everything, or rather, but an idea that later became absurd … I understand … Again, not that. I can `t get it.

Consultant: Lena, now that you don't understand, you have an almost happy expression on your face. This is something new. Before, when you didn't understand, there were other states, confusion, fear. What do you feel?

Lena: I don't know what exactly. But yes, indeed, I somehow feel good.

Pause.

Lena: And be that as it may, I do not understand this transition from absurdity to non-absurdity. This wolf cub … It seems, that's who to tell, they won't believe that such a thing can happen to a person …

Consultant: Lena, I don't really understand …

Pause.

Lena: Yes. And in this I understand you. I want to tell you, though. Attempt number three. You ask: Is this absurd? And the answer comes by itself, it is not there or I stopped seeing it. But I saw him. And here it is not. This is scary. Where is the truth? Where is the reality? (beat) Then you said we were both real. And you held my hand.

Pause.

Lena: But I can't understand it.

Consultant: Lena, why are you trying so hard to understand what exactly bothers you?

Lena: I am worried about this story with the tiger, or not, not so, I am rather worried that something is happening all the time, but I cannot understand and it worries, because I said that there is duality, remember about the house?

Consultant: Yes, I remember. Is this duality here again now? Is she with you?

Lena: Not as clear as it was … but it's not the same …

Pause.

Lena: If you could understand this … Maybe somehow you can? Or it doesn't make any sense. Am I still very embarrassed that I am deviating from the topic with my husband? I practically don't remember him here? But he is important to me. Instead, I say something … could this be a departure from an important topic, from my relationship with him, from our relationship with him …

Consultant: Lena, how do you see your relationship now?

Lena: Everything is better … but …

Pause.

Lena: Something but …

Consultant: As if there is this "but" between you?

Pause.

Lena: Yes, between us … and … in him … and in me there is something … really like "but".

Consultant: Lena, help me understand, there is a "but" between you so?

Lena: Yes. Yes, there is.

Consultant: What is this “but”? Can you describe it, compare it with something?

Pause.

Lena: This is a distance, "but" is a distance between us. Not a great distance, but … it's not even just a distance, but an obstacle distance.

Consultant: Good. Lena, there is still a "but" in Anatolia, right?

Lena: Yes.

Consultant: You can research it. This is his "but". Which?

Lena: This "but" looks like a red line, how to write from a red line. Write all the time, like in school, with a red line. Oh, some kind of stupidity …

Consultant: Stupidity?

Lena: I don’t know already, if I start to consider this nonsense, the same thing can happen as with the absurd. Do you understand?

Consultant: Yes, I understand. Lena, and your "but" …?

Lena: Mine, "but"….

Pause.

Lena: My, "but" is somehow connected with what happened, with this ineffable, which turns out to be a wolf cub.

Consultant: Ineffable is something that was unintelligible, just another word?

Lena: Yes, that's what I mean. Indistinct … you know (smiles), in general then it was indistinct, but now it is inexpressible …

Consultant: Is it different for you?

Pause.

Lena: Well, yes …

Consultant: Lena, so to speak, what was indistinct has now become ineffable?

Lena: Yes.

Consultant: Lena, what can be done to express the ineffable?

Pause.

Lena: It should say …

Pause.

Consultant: May I say? Let him say.

Pause.

Lena: You know, actually it can. But as if potentially it can, but cannot speak clearly. As a speech defect, incomprehensible. He has a tongue … but as sick people, you know, he wants to say, but the spasm interferes and the result is an eerie bubbling, wheezing, terrible sounds … this speech cannot be understood.

Pause.

Consultant: Can I try to understand?

Lena: You can.

Pause.

Lena: Difficult. And it's scary, I saw such a person. This is creepy …

Pause.

Lena: I was on the train, for a long time already, a mother and daughter were sitting opposite, her daughter was obviously ill, I don't know what kind of illness it is, I don't know what it is called … this girl is about sixteen years old, her mother was holding her hand. The girl talked to her mother, but rarely. She said something, and after that the mother got out the water. So I realized that she asked for a drink, I myself would not have understood. And then my mother started talking to me. Nice woman. Quite normal. If she had traveled without her daughter, I would never have suspected what grief she was. We talked about trifles, about the weather, politics, prices. And the girl just sat next to her and was silent. And then she started talking to me. It's creepy, she couldn't tell. I was scared. Her mother said that she was telling me that the bow on my blouse was untied. Horror…

Long pause.

Lena: The girl worried about me, and I wanted one thing, so that she would rather shut up.

Consultant: The ineffable worries, but you want it to be silent?

Lena: It turns out that way, but these sounds are really monstrous.

Consultant: How do you feel about the monstrous?

Lena: Fear … even horror and … disgust …

Pause.

Lena: It's so cynical. This girl, she is perceived as a monster, and these feelings for her …

Pause.

Consultant: Feelings for her, … what, Lena?

Lena: Well, disgust …

Long pause.

Lena: Not only disgust …

Pause.

Lena: Different feelings … but these, they …, horror and disgust - they are at first, this is a reaction to the monstrous.

Consultant: What is behind the reaction, behind it, behind the horror and disgust, what is behind them, what are the feelings for this girl?

Pause.

Lena: This girl …

Pause.

Lena: Well, it's clear what feelings, what they can be. I'm not a monster.

Consultant: Monster, monster …

Pause.

Lena: Oh, Lord …

Pause.

Lena: I don't know if it matters … or … I am a monster, the moment she turned to me, I was a monster, I wanted her to shut up.

Pause.

Lena: When my mother translated the girl's speech for me … Such … relief … She probably realized that I was in shock, she helped me, not her, not her daughter, she supported me.

Consultant: To hear the inexpressible, you need a mother, someone who understands speech …

Lena: She is her mother, she understands.

Pause.

Consultant: Lena, can we say that a mother who wants to understand understands?

Lena: Yes. The mother understands the child, this is important. And wanting to understand is also important. Yes.

Fragment of a spousal consultation.

Consultant: Anatoly, it seemed to me that you wanted to take Lena by the hand, but you pulled back.

Anatoly: Yes. There was a rush. I have to listen to my impulses. Thanks. Thank you for your attention.

Lena: So, why didn't you take it?

Anatoly: I understand, it was necessary to take it. This is also the husband's duty. Take your wife by the hand.

Consultant: Anatoly, I may ask you. You could say, "A husband should take his wife by the hand."

Anatoly: Yes. The husband should take his wife by the hand.

Consultant: And now: "Anatoly wants to take Lena by the hand."

Pause. She clears her throat.

Anatoly: Anatoly wants to take Lena by the hand.

Pause.

Consultant: Now, look at Lena and say: "Lena, I want to take your hand."

Turns around. Looks.

Long pause.

Anatoly: Lena, (pause) I want to take your hand.

Anatoly turns away from Lena and looks at the consultant.

Consultant: Anatoly feel the difference?

Pause.

Anatoly: Yes (lowers his head).

Consultant: Anatoly, I am wondering what is the difference for you?

Lena: Yes, me too, tell me.

Pause.

Anatoly: It was difficult for me to say (in a broken voice).

Long pause.

Consultant: (leaning slightly towards Anatoly, in a low voice) Anatoly, when you say: “Lena, I want to take your hand,” this is somehow …

Anatoly: Unusual … Sorry (tears in his eyes, turns away).

Lena: Is it difficult for you, what? What are you talking about?

Pause.

Lena: I want to hear.

Anatoly: You see, when I say Lena (crying) … I am addressing Lena, Lena herself … that is, when I say Lena … it is difficult.

Pause.

Lena: You say "Lena" (explodes in sobs).

Long pause.

Anatoly: Lena (puts his hand on Lena's back).

Lena: Here it is, here it is, Lena has been gone for a long time.

Pause.

Consultant: Lena has been gone for a long time, we are talking about the fact that there is a wife, but Lena, Lena herself, is not.

Lena: Yes.

Consultant: Anatoly, Lena, apparently it's time to meet you. Not in the roles of husband and wife, but like Anatoly and Lena.

Anatoly: Yes …

Lena: (crying) This is the reason, the whole point is this. I'm Lena (crying harder).

Consultant: And Anatoly is Anatoly.

Lena: Yes (sobs).

Anatoly takes Lena by the hand.

Lena: Tolik, I just love you and I want you to love me, Lena.

Anatoly: Lena, I love you (looking Lena in the eyes).

When it comes to the situation of an “empty nest”, the category “adaptation” is often used, they say that a married couple must adapt to changes, find new points of contact, and reorganize their life and leisure time. This is all true. Adaptation is better than maladjustment (always?). But the human task is not only, and not so much in adaptation. The life of a person, the life of a family, the life of Lena, Masha, Anatoly, Mikhail cannot be understood in terms of adaptation / maladjustment. Adapting doesn't mean growing up. The fact is that Lenino's indistinct is incapable of adapting, his nature, apparently, did not foresee this, and it is difficult for him to express himself under the onslaught of the urgency of adaptation. The indistinct, inexpressible demands something else, it requires a meeting, and if the meeting does not take place, then it can again “pass as in youth” (adaptation won) or “I’ll break loose” (adaptation lost). Anatoly sincerely wants to “help”, does Lena and her “inarticulate” want help? But the mother from Lena's story, before helping her daughter to quench her thirst, must understand her. While Anatoly was in the state of a “ready assistant”, he could not help, despite all the desire to help, there was no help. Help without understanding "what you need" is almost impossible.

You can then go into the position of a detached observer and ask the question: “What do you want, Lena, at all, another would pray for such a husband. Here I will allow myself what I hope, I did not allow during our meetings with Lena, to say for Lena: "I want to be Lena."

The point is not that Anatoly did not take Lena's hand even once during consultations, on the contrary, he did. But this desire to take by the hand stemmed not from the need to get closer, to be together, but from the desire to do something, to demonstrate “I am near”, “I am ready”, perhaps in activity to hide from the meeting. The rapid advancement of family counseling, which formally looked successful, can be called successful only to the extent that the criterion of success is taken as “The whole question is closed”. This "success", this "question is closed" and was frightened by Lenino "indistinct", wishing individual consultations. The "inarticulate" knew what he needed, it "demanded" not afterburner (on the contrary, it was afraid of him, because it knew that it was his enemy), but "expression." This two-story house, living in different lives: a husband and wife in a role in a “position”, in a “performance,” and “indistinct,” beaten by an adult deer, vague “interior”, “eerie” inexpressible, finally escaping: “This is the reason, the whole point is this. I'm Lena."

After the “wife” was “identified” as Lena, and the “husband” as Anatoly, when the “but” between them disappeared, the task was so that the meeting of two, embarrassed by themselves, each other, the presence of a third, would not be scared, would remain in its true essence as the sacrament of the spiritual union of two.

The last consultation might not have happened. The fact that it took place, or rather, the reason that it took place, rather, is the desire of Anatoly and Lena to say goodbye in a human way.

What's next? All the work done and partially described here with this pair represents only the visible part of the iceberg. That part that I, with the permission of these two people, could observe and sometimes touch, that part that can be described and publicly presented. The rest, what's next, happens in private.