Parents And Children: Who Should Grow Up? (part I, About Children)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are parents and there are their children. Until a certain moment, children are happy to receive attention, even excess and care from their parents, even if this attention and care greatly constrains their freedom - children, in principle, be so comfortable, the main thing is that they are there.

But when children grow up - become physiologically adults, the outdated model of interaction with parents, undergoing some external changes, in its essence, in the vast majority of cases, with rare exceptions, continues. And the point here is far from only the parents, from whom the grown-up children feel excessive demands, perseverance, they say, they poke their noses into their own affairs, excessively control, impose their opinion without asking and continue to treat them like children.

Parents see and will continue to see children in their children until the children truly mature. And even this is not a guarantee. But for an adult, the guarantee is no longer so important: a really adult person is able to perceive the non-adulthood of his elders carefully, with understanding and without question. Adulthood here primarily means psychological, and with it, mental and spiritual.

Parents see and will continue to see children in their children until the children truly mature

And as long as parents see children in children - and they see it without even realizing it - they will continue to control, advise, intervene and participate as best they can. And there is no right or wrong here. Everything is in order with everyone: someone can do this, and someone can do it. It's just that if you're not comfortable with that, you can, and even need to, start with yourself. You are 30 (40? 50?) And your parents continue to behave with you, sometimes like with children - it's time to boldly admit to yourself that you are still psychologically a child.

Even if you have your own car, summer residence and mortgage. Even if you received the Nobel Prize, or you have three children, a 5th husband, your own business and 200 people subordinate to you, who treat you with respect and willingly listen to your opinion; even if you teach seminars and help people deal with their "cockroaches"; even if you decide for yourself where you live, work, whether you smoke or be a vegetarian, whether to play sports or lie down for days; even …

In general, there are many such "even". You can look back at yourself and voice the arguments that may come to your mind in favor of your own adulthood, I am sure each of them will have a dozen of them and everyone will certainly be accurate and confident. So, all these arguments, like firewood, fly into the stove for one single sign - if your parents continue to communicate with you as with children, at least in part, no matter how confident you are that it is about them, and not about you: that they don’t see, that they don’t know how to listen, that they don’t feel you, that they… they… they… I have to upset you - it’s in you and only in you.

You are not just children for them in the eyes of their own parents - you are, in fact, psychologically children. You have not yet matured, have not grown, and, no matter how sad it may be, you have neither psychologically nor spiritually got on your feet.

And if you want real constructive changes in your own relationship with your parents, dare to admit it sooner. Without this, the next step will never happen.

This article has been written with a conscientious and emphatic quality. It is not for reasoning, discussion and weighing opinions - it is for the brave, ready to look at themselves.

If your parents continue to communicate with you as with children, even in subtle details, it's not about the parents, it's about you. You are still children. Psychological children.

In general, this is not a sad assumption at all - it has a lot of potential. But the possible sadness, sadness, and upset will most likely be unavoidable if you truly admit the thought, "psychologically, I'm still a child." Here this sadness will be quite appropriate.

Are you sad? And now it's time to stop being sad. There is good news: if the matter is in you, then it is in your hands to change it, to transform your own immaturity, where you did not notice it, into maturity.

So. You are children.

So what does it mean to be psychologically children?

“It means being needy.

If your parents advise you a lot, it's not easy.

The fact is that there are many situations in your life that you still do not know how to cope with maturely, on your own. And you need advice, help. Sometimes you consciously ask for advice and your parents are ready to give you something, to answer something, but sometimes you do not ask, but they continue to advise you. Sometimes it may even turn out that you have not asked for a long time, but they still continue to advise you, instruct you, and even lecture you.

Inwardly you still need advice, help in how you should be in your life, how you should live your life. You do not yet directly see that no one in your life can help you in any way, that this is only your adventure.

When you ask for help, especially without realizing it, help comes to you (whether you see it or not) - this is how life works. But this help has a price - this price is your independence, your freedom from help. The price is your inability from this moment to cope on your own as much as you are able to cope; the price is your fear of meeting all the consequences of every word, step, deed and experiencing them entirely independently.

If you are so unfamiliar, and so unfamiliar to you, your parents will continue to give you what you subconsciously desire. They will give you their participation in your life as much as they can and exactly in the form that is familiar to them, familiar and acceptable to them - they will continue to participate in your life, trying to satisfy your dumb request, the way they are know how.

And, finally, dare - you always do not like the way in which parents show their care. You are always dissatisfied with the form, you find fault with the manifestations, with the words, with the emotions - the form in which your parents are trying to satisfy your subconscious request. The very same care is pleasant, you cannot but like the essence of care. And this is completely natural. It's all right with that, it's really nice - it's nice when you are loved and taken care of.

You don't always like the way your parents are caring. You find fault with manifestations, words, emotions

But the point is different - you psychologically still haven't really started living your own life. Physically, you may have been living separately for a long time, you have your own family and your own children, but psychologically, your umbilical cord is still connected with mom and dad.

You have not yet decided to step out of the nest for real and set off on your own flight. Yes, it is really not easy and scary, it can be dangerous, but it must be done one day if you want to truly get in touch with the miracle of life.

It is useless to try to build your own "boundaries", try to explain something to parents, try to influence them, to reason with them. The essence of the simple fact that everything is in your hands in what really is allin your hands and for real changes you generally do not need anyone else but yourself.

For a while (at least for a couple of years) stop using parental resources altogether: do not live in their apartments; do not meddle in any way with unsolicited advice, opinions and habitual participation in their life (if it is not a matter of helping parents who need your care, care); do not borrow or take money from your parents, at all. Ask not to give you expensive gifts, and if they do, try to dare not use them. Try not to take advantage of parenting, no matter what ways and opportunities these advantages open to you. Be bold.

It is from this very simple and everyday life that your independence begins. Only from this does your life really begin.

This could be your second half-step. And if you are willing to take the risk, he can help you. And of course it is not at all necessary to bring it to the point of absurdity, be reasonable. But be sure to take risks.

Everything is in your hands and for real changes you don't need anyone else but yourself

Without the risk of these steps, you will never take, you simply will not even be able to dare to take them. It is always scary and dangerous for a chick, even if it is fledged, to walk out of a cozy nest, but the chick nevertheless strides. The chick is not afraid of danger - for the chick everything is alive, playful, even that which may be dangerous.

Be playful in your bold steps too, make up your mind.

Having decided on a bold independent life. One day you will be ready for the second, third and all subsequent steps, their time will come at the right moment and you cannot miss them.

One day you will have to leave all the ideas and views with which your parents have permeated you at home, "parents" at school, "parents" at institutes. You have to leave it all and check allby ourselves.

And the courage that you needed in the last step will seem like a kindergarten in these moments. You will have to give up all the experience and wisdom of all generations, all successful and failed people, all sages, philosophers and mystics. You will have to feel and rediscover everything, on your own, stepping into life without insurance, without skin and without hope.

Maturity is not a check mark on a resume or diploma. And not a single milestone can confirm or deny this. There is no exam or test that shows whether you are mature or not. But this can well show closeness with people, closeness with those who surround you and know well, and, first of all, these are your parents. It is enough to take a closer look and look more boldly.