2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
More and more often, debates flare up in social networks on the topic: "Do we (children) owe something to parents?" Let's talk?))
To begin with, I want to clarify what this omnipotent "MUST" means! So my favorite Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary enlightens us:
1. Obliged to do something. Must obey orders.
2. About what will happen without fail, inevitably or presumably. he should come soon. something important is about to happen.
3. Borrowed, obliged to repay the debt.
At the same time we will check the interpretation of the word "OBLIGED"
1. To impose on someone any obligation, to prescribe. Obligate to obey. Obligate to return on time.
2. Call something for a return service.
As you can see, the meaning of the words is quite understandable. Then, proceeding from the meaning of these words, the dispute is about whether the child has any obligation to return something or somehow remain due to the parents some mysterious debt in all possible, and better, even impossible ways.
Hmm, I wonder, but when does this obligation arise at all, well, or at what age you need to start repaying the debt, and what percentage is charged for a delay in payment, please read all the points of this loan agreement and, most importantly, its full cost.
Right now I imagined how a child, say in the womb, even without a developed brain, turned out to be quite so-so reasonable and concluded an agreement with mom and dad about some kind of delayed reward for the right to be born into this world, but what is there, in general conceived. Or maybe he owes for the fact that he was not abandoned after birth? Or for being loved or not beaten? Come up with something else for yourself))
We will not go far. I'll take myself, so I really don't understand why my two children can be obliged to me for something? As if it was not me who made the decision to give birth to them and bear my responsibility for this decision and of course for their lives until the end of their days, and from there to look after them)), and it was they who decided to be born (well, okay, not without it) …
Again, the fantasy played out, as it were, the children to me were: "Dear, our future mother, we are sending you a commercial offer. We offer you to become our mother, give birth, raise, heal, love, and then we will pay for this with something. We do not know yet. than, but when we grow up, we certainly invent it. " Haha, so-so to be honest from a commercial point of view. No, well, I thought that I was such an adult aunt, I decided everything, thought it over, pleased myself in motherhood, completed the demographic program, received a lot of emotions, reinforced my life with additional meaning, but here it turns out that I was only in the role of a performer with unpaid remuneration.
Responsibly declare: "NO!" My children OWN nothing to me! I will not allow anyone or even them to take my power, my responsibility and my decisions. These are my privileges, these are my joys, these are my feelings, my realization and my life. All I need from them is that I have them and it doesn't matter if they give me anything, whether they bring the notorious glass of water in old age, they are my reward for their existence, and not a profitable investment in the future!
In psychology, the parental word "should" is really important and necessary for the formation of an understanding of the boundaries for the child, for teaching, for adhering to agreements and for the skill to take responsibility for his words and actions, but it cannot reflect the child's obligation to pay the parent for love. Parental love, and especially mother's love, should be unconditional, without pay and without obligation.
As strange as it may sound, a mother gives birth to a child for herself, for her joy, for her own benefit. I think you can find a lot of benefits for parents in parenting (forgive the tautology), and if you can't, just ask your parents what it brought them the birth of you.
Ask what to do? Do I need to give gifts to parents? Do I need to take care of them in old age? Do they need help in life?
I will answer you not only as a psychologist, but also as a mother. If you want, do it, give joy, help, take care of them, do it out of desire, out of love. BUT! Do not do it out of obligation, do not justify, and even more so do not deserve their love, do not take their strength and their responsibility, do not turn them into your children, they somehow lived before you were born and this is their choice.
And believe me, you are priceless;-)
Recommended:
Violations Of The Hierarchy In The Family System. What Parents Should Not Do With Their Children
Author: Maria Mukhina, psychologist, systems therapist Violations of the hierarchy in the family system Hierarchy is one of the parameters of the family system, designed to establish order, determine belonging, authority, power in the family and the degree of influence of one family member on others.
Nervous Disorders In Children: What Parents Should Know
The health of the child is a natural matter of concern for parents, often already from the period of pregnancy. Cough, snot, fever, sore stomach, rash - and we run to the doctor, look for information on the Internet, buy medicines. But there are also non-obvious symptoms of ill health, to which we are used to turning a blind eye, believing that the child will "
Should Children Be Grateful To Their Parents?
Parents who believe that their children should be grateful to them for everything have never really loved their children, but have always been in a commercial relationship with them: I am you, you are me. This attitude towards a child has nothing to do with selfless love.
Parents And Children: Who Should Grow Up? (part I, About Children)
There are parents and there are their children. Until a certain moment, children are happy to receive attention, even excess and care from their parents, even if this attention and care greatly constrains their freedom - children, in principle, be so comfortable, the main thing is that they are there.
Fear Of Shampooing In Children. What Should Parents Do?
As a practicing psychologist working with families (parents + children), they often come to me with different questions. The last time there were more frequent questions about children's fears of water (reservoirs), fears of the bathroom and, in fact, washing their hair.
