2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I will talk about guilt that arises on the emotional level of a relationship
….. Experiencing guilt can mean that someone gives you responsibility (most often) for their feelings. Main message: "I feel bad because of what you do (do not do)."
The main source of this suffering of guilt is the collapse of borders at a sensitive age, in childhood
Where the parent did not take his own, parental responsibility, and the child did not know that he was not taking responsibility (in its most toxic form. The form of guilt.)
- If I didn't have you (ie children), I would have divorced your father long ago and would have lived happily … - here is the guilt for the unhappiness of the mother;
- If you weren't there, I would have lived my childhood life, and would not have wasted energy on you ….. - Here is your fault for the misfortune of your older sister, who allegedly suffers because of me;
- If I didn't have to earn money for my family, I would be a poet and live the way I like ….. - this is the fault for my father's suffering.
- If you ate well and behaved yourself, dad would come more often …..
These direct destructive messages guarantee a deep rift in the boundaries, and in the future a person will suffer from guilt if someone close to him suffers in a state of sacrifice and entrusts responsibility for himself and power over himself.
Here's the hook that falls victim to imputed responsibility: "Change, take care of my feelings, then I will be happy."
Any responsibility not taken by the parent provokes the guilt of the child (later - the adult), namely:
- one of the parents is a victim, and cannot realize it and designate it in the spirit: “You, the child has nothing to do with it, I am not coping with my life”;
- one of the parents cannot take responsibility for their feelings: “I am angry, but not because of you, but because of what is happening inside me,” imputing the blame instead: “You made me angry because you were bad"
- parents cannot take parental authority, shifting responsibility to the child:
“You are obliged to obey, obey, respect adults, etc., and if you don’t do this, you are bad”,
instead of: "I want you to ….." "I need from you …."
- parents endow the child with omnipotence, entrusting him with their responsibility - to make sure that the father does not drink, raise younger brothers and sisters, and also use him as a bargaining chip in their showdowns.
… Experiencing guilt can also mean
that you don't take responsibility. This is often due to the fact that you did not understand the boundaries - who is responsible for what, and fell into the blame.
A mother who hits (yells at) a child does not realize that the child is reproducing the treatment of her helplessness in her childhood, and walks in a circle of guilt-aggression.
The only way to get out of this whirlwind is to take responsibility for your trauma and agree to have it treated by a therapist.
A father who divorced his wife and feels guilty before the child for the fact that little happens to him.
He has to separate his feelings for the mother from feelings for the child, work on feeling like a victim of this woman, take on his parental responsibility (my relationship with my child is my responsibility) and power (I have the right to see him, and therefore I can negotiate with the ex and outline the boundaries).
Sometimes responsibility is difficult to take because it involves changing the way you think about yourself. When I think of myself as a good person, and I cannot recognize the “unsightly quality” that has been repressed into the Shadow.
For example, I consider myself to be very responsible. And this quality is a very important part of my self-image (for example, I was praised and accepted when I solved the problems of adults in my childhood).
Then I will not see my irresponsible actions, and I will never admit my mistakes (that I can violate boundaries, obligations, etc.). Rather, I will refer to obstacles and circumstances that prevented me from being responsible.
Or, for example, I do not admit that I can manipulate. Or take revenge. Or fear intimacy. Or need, "like a little one." Etc.
I will not see how I do it. I manipulate, violate boundaries, etc. But I will be sure that other people do just that.
I will not take my responsibility and will blame the other side.
When you still manage to take responsibility, there is much more resource in the relationship.
If you manage to give up responsibility, the blaming party can feel hurt. However, there is no other way to help her live with the help of her (not someone else's) resources.
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