2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Psychologists are constantly repeating that it is necessary to "understand, accept, forgive." The man nods his head in agreement, because the words sound beautiful and correct. And it is believed that it is good to understand, accept, forgive. Why it is good? "To be good", "So you need to", "So right." But, firstly, it is not entirely clear what it means to understand, accept and forgive (or the idea of what it is - distorted), and secondly, it is still not clear - what is it for?
To understand - means to realize the cause-and-effect relationships, the motives of the actions of another person and oneself. For example, your boss yelled at you at work. It's a shame!
And if you try to understand, then you can imagine that his child is seriously ill, his wife is going to file for divorce and the company is bursting at the seams, orders are thwarted at the last moment, debtors dynamite late. And it already becomes not so offensive. Because the understanding came that the boss shouted not because I was a fool, but because he could not cope with the emotions and feelings that were accumulating in him. It's like a pot of boiling water - from the moment it boils, splashes fly in all directions.
Understanding parents means realizing that everything they gave was the best they had. If they did not give something: love, care, support, approval, then they did not have it. What if my mother screams, then she’s not screaming at me, she’s screaming at herself! For what? Because she is very afraid of being a bad mom, she is afraid that I will repeat her mistakes, she is in pain and she does not know how to cope with it.
To understand is to trace the cause of how it started? Where did it come from? Why is that? In addition, it is important to track your reaction - why am I offended? Why am I reacting this way? Why did I decide to react in this way and not otherwise? Why does it hurt me? How do I interpret this situation for myself? And then I understand that I am offended when my boss yells at me, because I immediately unconsciously draw a line with my father, who scolded me for triplets. And then it seemed to me that he was cursing, because I was so stupid, which means that I was bad, which means that you cannot love me. And if you cannot love me, then I am NOT!
Globally speaking, people are driven by two main states - love and pain. And a person realizes himself through these two states - love or pain. Only in this way does he understand what generally exists, what he is. If there is not enough love, then he will feel life through pain, suffering, grief. And when they behave towards you in a way that you do not like - look, what is the person guided by at the moment? This is Love? Or is it pain? And why do you react this way? How does this or that behavior resonate in you - is it love or pain? Pain is not something terrible, pain is a transitional stage towards love. And you can come to love just through the recognition of pain, understanding its source, acceptance and forgiveness.
To accept means to agree that this is the place to be. This is how it should be and this is necessary for something. It is necessary for the boss to yell at me, so that the realization of my childhood pain for the brought triplets comes. The boss also needs to pay attention to his pain and learn how to unload emotions consciously and environmentally.
Accepting myself means accepting that I don't need to change to stop being bad or ugly. Because I'm not bad or ugly. I am a unique, inimitable person, there is no other such person on the whole earth, in the whole wide world! And everything that is in me - I need something for something! I need laziness, I need forgetfulness, I need anger, I need amorousness, I need lightness and joy. I need the body that I have, because we do not have the body that we want, but the one that we need! And if I lose weight, it’s not in order to stop being fat, but to become even more beautiful and slimmer. I lead a healthy lifestyle not in order to stop leading the wrong one, not in order not to be bad, but to be even better.
Accepting parents means agreeing that these are the parents you need. That it is thanks to such parents that you are so strong, so wise, you have such an experience that will help you find your happiness. It is thanks to the way our parents treated us that we now know how to live and / or how to NOT live. There are two aspects to parenting. The first is the status of a parent, which implies that he gave birth to his child. It deserves respect by definition. For this, you already need to be grateful. The second aspect is the elements of education. And here already other parents can give such an experience, put their whole life in order to tell their child how NOT to do it! Based on this experience, we can build our life in such a way as to come to happiness.
Finally, forgiveness. Often, forgiveness implies a refusal to compensate for an offense, which is wrong. Forgiveness is an absolution of guilt, an admission that there was no guilt at all! Because if someone offended me, then, firstly, because I, in one way or another, provoked it, and secondly, because the offender was driven by pain. In a state of love, we attract love and give love; in a state of pain, we attract pain and throw out pain into the world. That is, when I say that I have forgiven, I mean that the "offender" is not to blame for anything, that it happened because we were both led by our pain and we met in order to show each other our pain …
And only when recognition, acceptance, forgiveness has passed - is it possible to let go of the situation. Lesson learned, experience gained. Letting go is "I understand why THIS happened in my life, I acknowledge and accept it." And after that comes a state of calm and lightness, and after it - and happiness. Happiness is different from appeasement and peace. Humility and peace is the absence of anxiety, the absence of negativity, appeasement against the background of pain is humility. If peace is against the background of a state of love, then this is acceptance. And acceptance of everything is happiness.
Once a man asked me an unusual question: "What is happiness for?" So, happiness is not really a goal, there is no specific purpose for it, but each person seeks to realize his existence in this world, what he is. Also, a person has an extraordinary treasure - the right to choose: HOW does he want to feel himself? Sometimes, in order to feel himself, a person hurts himself. And sometimes he chooses a different path. Happiness is a more blissful, sweeter, fuller sense of self. Therefore, if you are in pain now, you simply have not learned to be happy. And the path to happiness and love: recognition, acceptance, forgiveness and forgiveness.
Love and be happy!
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