You Left Motives For Being In A Codependent Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Clients come to consultations with a wide variety of stories of their codependent relationships. These are both women and men - they all broadcast the same motives of their need to be with an addict: “I believe that I can change him (her); I have never had such feelings for anyone else; he (a) will love me anyway; I donated so much for her (him), without me he (a) will be lost ….

One client, a young, wealthy woman, works in the construction industry abroad, came from a codependent family where her father was an alcoholic. For several years now, she has not been able to get out of a relationship with a man who constantly borrows from her and has not yet returned a penny, cheats with other women and appears from time to time in her life to borrow money again in exchange for sex. In fact, apart from sex, this partner can not give her anything, he does not help in her affairs, around the house and does not even give gifts, he does not want to be responsible for anything, but at the same time he is always looking for her support, complains about constant troubles with work, debts, lack of money, and the woman continues to "feed" him. She says that she can no longer build relationships with anyone, she wants a family only with him, without thinking about the consequences.

Another woman, an entrepreneur, met a divorced man on a dating site (she later learned that his wife divorced him because of his painful passion for gambling in the foreign exchange market and a million dollar debt). She paid off his debt, invited him to live with her so that he would not spend on rented housing. During the entire time of cohabitation, the man never gave her a gift, but all the time he complained about problems, depression, left several times, then returned. A little later, the woman found out that the man took out a loan for which he made repairs in his mistress's apartment. This fact did not stop her. She paid for him and this loan, if only he was with her. In exchange - irregular sex, weak potency, whims, complaints about life, constant swing "go-back".

From the history of the woman it became clear that the mother devoted her life to a man who became disabled early, died early. The woman always felt a sense of guilt before her father and pity. She recalls how her mother told him about her affair with another, her father wanted to grab her hand, but fell from a wheelchair and was injured. This incident was stamped with pain in her soul.

A male client met a woman and did not immediately recognize her attraction to the "green serpent". After the birth of the child, alcoholism intensified. She abandoned the child, looking for any excuse to leave home in the company of drinking companions. She was fired from work, she was engaged in household chores according to her mood. Several times the man was going to get a divorce, but stayed, tk. conversations about divorce were usually accompanied by violent hysteria and threats to commit suicide.

According to the client, the woman reminded him of his mother, "the same drunk and hysterical."

In all three cases, clients complained that the partner is either superficial and avoids self-disclosure, serious, deep topics, or withdrawn. But, it should be noted that the problem of suppressed feelings is characteristic of both.

The behavior of both addicts and codependents is very similar to the death drive described by S. Spielrein and popularized by S. Freud.

In the first two stories, women gradually began to fall into depression, the emotional state was no longer something to make good money. According to the man, the constant stay in tension, fear, guilt also brought him to depression, the situation began to seem hopeless.

Why do these people agree to voluntarily be in a situation of emotional abuse?

Because they are also dependent, but not so much on a specific person, but on their inner perception of reality.

What are the features of this perception?

one. Low self-worth (a person believes that outside of helping an addict, by himself he does not represent special significance). 2. Denial of reality ("Instead of repaying the debt, he spent money on his expensive perfume? So what? It's just that I am so mercantile, there is no happiness in money," the codependent woman convinces herself). 3. Lack of contact with their feelings and needs, as a result of which the codependent dissolves in a partner, lives by his interests, cannot separate his emotions from his emotional state - there are constant attempts to predict the partner's mood and attribute it to his own account. This forms, over time, a sense of guilt towards him. 4. Low threshold of frustration, the conviction of the codependent that his peace of mind depends on the presence of another person ("would be nice next"). When a codependent breaks up with his addictive partner, he begins to blame himself for the separation and find many reasons why he should be returned. The argument may sound like this: "I have good sex only with Vasya, so I could not restrain myself when I was lonely, and called him again …". 5. A scenario from childhood, in which a codependent always considers himself guilty and seeks to earn the love of a parent / partner by his achievements or self-denial, to atone for his guilt.

Of course, I did not give all the motives, but I think this is enough to understand that codependency is no less dangerous problem than drug addiction and alcoholism. Its consequences can be just as devastating if you do not seek psychological help in a timely manner.

* Reproductions: Fabian Perez.