One Step To Hell. Or How To Recognize A Codependent Relationship Before You Get Stuck In It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is a lot of writing about codependent relationships, especially how to get out of them. Such a relationship is exhausting anyway. Such relationships with a narcissist or psychopath are especially destructive. Today I want to write about the prevention of such relationships. Such relationships can be recognized in advance, before getting stuck in them, then it will be much more difficult to go out

“Codependency - most often this word refers to a dysfunctional relationship with an addict - a relationship in which the partner tries to control the addict and fixates on his needs. Involvement in such relationships is a risk factor covering a wide range of psychiatric and somatic pathologies. In addition, codependent relationships have a devastating effect on both partners."

Barry Wayhold writes that in such a relationship, two people bring their part of what is necessary to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since none of this pair can already feel and act completely independently of the other, they have a tendency to cling to each other, as if glued. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself. Relationships cannot be lasting because they are always focused on the other person and what might happen. This leads to the fact that such people try to establish control over each other, blame each other for their problems, and also hope that the other will behave exactly as his partner would like. In such cases, people do not focus on their inner feelings and self-development. The focus is always outside, not inside.

How does it all start? It starts with loneliness. Our society does not welcome the lonely person. Since the days of Adam and Eve, people have been pairing up and wondering if others have a pair. A schizoid man living alone will be called a suspicious freak, while a woman will be condemned and harsher, from labeling to outright exclusion from communication.

Yes, and loneliness itself is a painful thing for many. Thoughts, memories, old traumas - all the lump that alone catches up and scares … Therefore, people strive to escape. Where to run away? Alcohol, social networks, films - temporary "pain pills".

Better to run into a relationship. Find yourself a partner as quickly as possible and fall in love. To merge into one, without your own nasty thoughts and pain. After all, if there is no me, then there are no my thoughts. There is only He and thoughts about Him. Even better if with him, what is wrong. Illness, alcoholism, drug addiction - Such a person can be saved, pulled, think about him, live with his feelings. The expression “put your whole soul into someone” is just about this, about the denial of your feelings, they are, as it were, embedded in another.

The first mistake is to hurry. Find a partner the faster. Speed makes it impossible to consider with whom you find yourself in a relationship. Lika, at twenty-four, broke up with a classmate. "Whom will you find at that age," said the relatives, "Katya's girlfriend has a wedding in a month." Without feeling sad, Lika runs to the club and there meets Valera the electrician. Lika is not sure if she needs one, but to be alone?

Tanya escapes from a painful relationship for her, she is twenty-eight. The whole environment goes in pairs, someone has already got a child or a couple, and she? Katya lives in an office-fitness-house mode, she has no time, and she starts an affair with her boss. The boss is pot-bellied and bald, "in a state of divorce", but still not alone.

The second mistake would be to ignore the flaws. and "alarm calls". The thought “the main thing, I am not alone” justifies the strangeness in the behavior of the new partner. In the future, these little things will just be the “stepping stone to hell”. A nice guy who "jokingly" twisted the girl's hand so painfully when she did not want to go further with him for a walk. Yes, of course, he apologized later, and explained, "This is an absurd accident" and in general "she is too nervous."

There are even two alarm bells in this story. If a guy is pleased to hurt and he does it during the romantic part of the relationship, then there will be more and it is very likely that domestic violence will become a part of this girl's life. And something in the spirit of "you're too nervous, you take everything to heart" is the first step to gaslighting. Yes, when it hurts, it hurts, it doesn't seem like it.

People who are accustomed to endure in parental families will persuade themselves to endure further. "It's a trifle, but I'm not alone."

Desperate to find someone, Peter meets an older woman. He thinks that, on the whole, she is suitable, but the fact that she gets drunk every weekend unconscious is that he will "heal with his patience and care", after years it turns into alcoholism and fights.

The third mistake is believing that a person can be changed. "Save, alter, adjust for yourself." People rarely change and only if they are willing to change themselves. Changing the Other is a waste of work. Then manipulation comes into play.

Lena has a hot-tempered and jealous fiancé, he calls her forty times a day, asks where she is, scandals and does not believe and demands to send her a selfie with her friend if she said that with her friend. Lena is hurt from scandals, but she is sure that by patiently explaining, she will teach the groom to believe her.

In each of these stories, there is a "little thing" that is actually not a little thing, but an indicator of a problem. The problem develops gradually and the further, the more a person becomes involved in such a relationship. The more energy is invested in a relationship, the harder it is to break it, even if it’s bad.

If you stop rushing, slow down and take a closer look at what kind of person is and whether it is worth letting him into your world, you can avoid mistakes for half your life. If possible, of course, it is better to come to therapy and sort out your feelings, heal old injuries and soothe your mental pains. Then more maturity and harmony will come, and you can stop running away from yourself and create harmony in yourself and have a mature relationship.

Photo by Antoniomora