2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sad man enters the store:
- Hello! You remember me? I bought balloons from you yesterday.
- I remember. More balls for you?
- No, I am complaining to you - they are defective.
- What's the matter? Can't hold the air?
- No, that's okay.
- And then what?
- They are not encouraging
I will not indulge in sentimental calls for acceptance and love.to the grave, especially "those who offend and hate." I will say one thing: not everyone can be helped. Moreover, not everyone needs help. Moreover, a person helps himself. But more often than not, instead, he shifts the burden of problems onto others: relatives, associates, psychologists.
Oh, if only it were that simple! I came to a psychologist (or a sorcerer), told about his situation, he waved his hand - swans (crows) flew out of his sleeve and everything instantly improved and resolved itself!
Is this possible? Well, what if!
When people go to a psychologist, in general, they have two types of requests:
- Specific: I have a lump in my throat. Under other favorable conditions, it usually takes two or three, several sessions to work out a specific symptom.
- Complex and vague: "I want" to lose weight, more money, become happy, quit smoking.
Often, people make the second type of request.that take many sessions to work through. The problem may contain several nodes, and metaphorically resemble a pancake pie with interlayers, where one is linked to the other and all this is soaked and abundantly glued with nuances, plus flavored with vanilla and powdered sugar - hidden behind psychological defenses and disguised as a "cake" - and there - ho -ba! - pancakes.
Brewing in this complex "kitchen"the client cannot determine if there is an improvement. What Vasya is doing: take and stop all the work to hell, the money is not public money! He sincerely believes that nothing changes. Maybe nothing really changes, by the way. It's like being slim: for a week / month / three months, the metaphorical Vasya has been eating right and walking tens of kilometers. And nothing changes! What to do?
If it seems to you that everything is simple with harmony - it is necessary to stupidly continue, then with therapy it is more and more difficult. Although, on the one hand, the situations are similar, and with other favorable conditions, and it is better to continue therapy, just not stupid …
My reasoning is precisely aimed at helping the client determine if there are changes and improvements at his request. For this, the article was written.
So what happens and how do changes work and manifest?
Cumulative effect. Changes gradually accumulate, quantity turns into quality. Have you ever learned to skate, bike, ride a car? Did you do it quickly and confidently right away? Vooot.
For example, you have a huge pot of borscht, but it is not salty. You salt, taste, and the borsch is still fresh. Well what is it! You exclaim. And add salt more and more to achieve the flavor you want.
Improvement format … Changes accumulate gradually, and the state changes in stages. The Man compares the changes with the recent state, and not with the previous one, and again it seems to him that nothing is changing.
Best the enemy of the good. We no longer remember how we behaved and felt at the very beginning. We want more, more, more. For example, you have made a complex request - to build, inside which there are many layers - what exactly does excess weight protect you, why it "came" to you and what you replace with food. In the course of therapy, in 2 months, you lost 7 kg. And you have not yet begun a radical change in diet - you just changed the daily routine, began to get up and have breakfast earlier. But you are not enough, not enough, not enough !!! And you still hate your swollen body.
And this is a normal dynamics for two months, you are in a transitional state, and it is still difficult for you to realize the fact that the body hears and understands you literally: you don’t want relationships with men - the easiest way to save you from this is to cover you with fat.
Bring that, I don't know what. A person says a vague goal, but means a specific person or a situation, but does not voice it, because either he himself does not realize, or hesitates to voice it, or plays a game "dear psychologist, guess yourself." And it seems to him that nothing has improved.
For example, you voice your desire to be happier. But in fact, you want to improve your relationship with a specific person (husband / lover / mom / girlfriend / boyfriend /). But you yourself do not realize it or you don’t say it. And in the process of therapy, your whole existing picture is shaken, including this person, and your relationship with him changes, but not immediately. But. It seems to you that your goal has not been achieved, you have not become happier.
Besides
When a person begins to work with deep topics, his psychological defenses (the activity of which has increased since the beginning of therapy) are activated and it may seem that everything has worsened. All states, before being worked through, are exacerbated. It's like the darkest time before dawn. Such exacerbations indicate that there is work going on inside, and that you are on the verge of insight.
The most violent psychological defenses turn on then, when you come close to resolving the conflict and the request: from the depreciation of both the psychologist and your successes, to illness, fatigue, generic repetitions and secondary benefits.
When does therapy really fail?
If it is boring during therapy, this is a criterion that the subconscious mind has not turned on. You sit in a session and fall asleep. In therapy it can be anything, just not boring. This is just a sign that therapy is not working, and it makes sense to go to it.
WHAT TO DO?
In order for you, despite all the difficulties and exacerbations, to continue and complete the therapy, I suggest following the following recommendations.
Firstly, to understand and tune in that the effect can be uneven: do not look at the improvements after a particular session as an indicator of how everything is generally moving.
Secondly, accept the fact that any change is the death of the previous state. But any death is followed by rebirth or rebirth. In the process, it can get worse for a short time. It can get much worse right away. This is not a reason (nor a reason) to quit therapy. It would be appropriate to realize here: you and a specialist could immediately get into the most painful area. And, if necessary, this pain effect can be reduced and worked out.
Thirdly, it is important to honestly talk to yourself and understand why you actually came to a psychologist. This may be a somewhat shameful request, and socially unacceptable, but until it is exactly it is satisfied, it will seem that nothing is changing. It is important here to be honest with yourself at least.
And colleagues in such cases (when you suspect that this is a complex problem, and different resistances may activate in the process) I recommend:
Discuss with the client in advance, that the results can be from the first, or from the tenth time. Talk about possible deterioration. It is best to conclude a contract or a written document, where conditions and complications possible in therapy are recorded.
It is more effective to devote the first sessions not deep studies, but situational and operational, quick (albeit temporary) improvements in the current state of the client. Otherwise, most people will think that it didn’t help them, it didn’t get any better.
Feel intuitive what the client will run into, and discuss it gently with him. Where will this last line of defense be? Perhaps, when approaching this improvement, the client will want you to "forcefully" and by the ears pulled him from the state of "I feel bad" immediately into the state of "I feel good." For example, they would suggest to him some socially unacceptable way, or something out of the ordinary, so that later, if anything, say: “This was advised by the psychologist, and it didn’t help / or didn’t help me”. To relieve oneself of responsibility for both failure and success.
Thus, you will have a real opportunity to improve everything and solve your problems and requests, despite the fact that it will be difficult, instead of improving nothing at all. And therapy is not a way to return to the sweet slumber of the mother's womb. No. This is a way to heal better in this world, through great, first of all, your own, work, perseverance, passion and activity.
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