2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
-I like you! I want you! With you! At your place!
-Ouch. I also have sympathy for you. Only I don't feel like it so quickly. Maybe first by …
-Everything, goodbye!
-… trying to get to know each other better?..:(---
In our culture, it quite often happens that people who were first subjected to a "massive attack" by the sympathy of another person, and then "lost" it, slowing down the rapid movement, tend to get upset and blame themselves for the fact that this communication, in the end, did not work out.
And those who have not achieved reciprocity, accuse the other of coldness and deception (of their expectations and hopes).
And they can also be prone to self-flagellation.
As a result, two people remain dissatisfied with each other, with themselves and with the experience …
An active life in the virtual space, the rapid exchange of information and emotions through instant messengers and social networks create the illusion of the possibility of rapidly approaching another person.
Our entire "culture of haste" strongly influences the idea of the speed of rapprochement between people: "You have to run as fast as you can just to stay in place." The fear of falling behind, getting lost, being left in the red or alone, provokes to apply it to literally everything.
Meanwhile, the psychologically comfortable speed of convergence is different for each person. In addition, it can fluctuate depending on the communication situation, the personal characteristics of the other person and their own emotional, psychological, social or physical status: in the presence of emotional, physical fatigue, social or psychological problems, the speed can increase or decrease.
It's okay when you want to "examine" and get to know a person better before becoming more open to him (s) (oops). Understand his needs and relate to yours. To see the character, manifestations, in order to decide what form of relationship the distance will be comfortable and enjoyable.
And it's okay to find a mismatch.
Indeed, different needs may be revealed. One needs emotional warmth and closeness, the other needs a sexual partner without any problems. One loves aggression and pressure, the other is important for subtle sensations, slowness and care.
Slower, gradual convergence is more appropriate for creating sincere, warm, and deep relationships.
The rapid speed of convergence most often signals a desire to avoid intimacy and functionally use another person: to increase self-esteem, improve mood or material situation, for sexual satisfaction or discharge negative energy. This also happens, and usually it works out quite successfully if there is a partner interested in the same.
As the Gestalt Therapist's Prayer says:
"… And if we managed to meet, this is a great success. And if not, this cannot be helped …"
You can only accept.
Although, often mismatch causes sadness, anger or even despair.
Especially when the need, which strongly attracts to another, has not been satisfied for a long time and is in short supply.
But this does not mean at all that the one who did not agree to rush is to blame for the fact that "nothing came of it."
Just as the one whose speed was higher is not to blame.
It just so happened that it didn't coincide.
If a mismatch occurs in a person's life all the time and it bothers him, you can sort it out.
It happens that behind too much speed or persistent distance lies a specific negative and destructive experience, which does not give a person the opportunity to adequately converge and build a satisfying relationship.
Maybe they were too rushed through life, and he had to constantly strain and step over his "slowness" in order to keep up, forcing himself and "hammering" at his natural speed. And he used to obey and endure, and now he is hurrying himself, although he does not want such a fast speed.
Maybe a person is not sensitive to his needs, but is used to relying on external instructions and clichés. And he just doesn't know what his speed is. Or even does not quite understand what he really wants, confusing the cliché in his imagination with his desires.
Perhaps the person had such an experience that closeness with other people is felt as a danger and the person generally prefers to avoid it, replacing it with a long distance or familiar and understandable functional relationship.
It happens that someone who finds himself in a hurrying situation, but wants emotional rather than functional closeness, gives some signals that such speed is possible with him, but does not realize how he does it.
In order to understand your mechanisms and motives for forming relationships, you can turn to a psychotherapist for long-term psychotherapy.
Gradually, step by step, building a relationship with the therapist, considering and exploring your experience and habitual programs of behavior, you can learn and see much of what is usually hidden from understanding.
And, if desired, change.
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