A Terrible Punishment - Ignoring

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Ignoring is the worst punishment, for many they are worse than physical violence. And yes, ignoring is psychological abuse.

We are first introduced to such a punishment in childhood. Many of us have been in a situation where our parents ignored us as punishment. But many parents confuse punishment and violence.

The real punishment is when we actually make a mistake and must be held accountable. If we exceed the speed limit on the road, we get a fine. And that's okay.

But ignoring is no longer a punishment. If we are trying to teach our children in this way, then only from our own impotence. You can just stop the child, tell him what is unpleasant or offensive to you, or that you are angry. Sometimes punishment is not needed at all.

Once my daughter broke a package of eggs, there was a fear in her eyes. And I was more worried about her condition than broken eggs. Of course, I didn't punish her, we just started cleaning together.

It has long been known that lack of attention (ignoring) is worse than even the most negative attention. One of my patients said about his childhood: "It would be better if she (mother) beat me than not talking to me for days and not even noticing."

But neglect itself (as a defense mechanism) can be helpful. BUT! Only in a few cases:

- when you are criticized and this criticism is not constructive, but only destroys you;

- when they try to manipulate you, do not succumb to manipulation.

Some parents replace neglect with physical punishment. And this also comes from powerlessness. The adult at this moment has already lost control of the situation so much that he finds only one way out - to beat. Yes, perhaps this is his habitual receiving punishment, perhaps he himself was beaten in childhood. But that doesn't justify him in any way.

Once my wife and I in the kindergarten where our daughter goes, were given a questionnaire. It had a point: "How do you punish your child?" We left this item empty, since neither my wife nor I remembered how we would punish our daughter.

It is very important for a child that his feelings are understood and allowed to be. If he is forbidden to be afraid, worry, show pain, then again we are talking about the manifestation of violence. Or, you can say that it is ignoring the feelings of the child.

Humiliation is also not the best way to educate. If the child begins to humiliate, to say how bad he is, and other children are good, it is extremely painful for the child. I witnessed one such incident. In the store, the child did not have time to put the food on the tape; instead of helping him, mother began to reproach him: “Who are you so slow at? What can't you do faster? Look there, because of you, a queue has already formed. " I have never seen such despair and fear in the eyes of a person, especially a child. The shame that he felt was clearly much more than his "offense" (I would not call it an offense at all).

So how, then, to raise a child? How to make another person understand that he is wrong? It is worth talking about feelings both with the child and with other people. About your feelings. Say: "I now feel offended … I'm angry … I'm scared … and so on." The algorithm is very simple: 1) immediately after the offense and privately tell the fact of what happened, 2) tell about your feelings in response to events, 3) find ways out together.

If we talk about punishing children, then they should not associate the house with a place where a dangerous place. They should feel that this is a safe place. A place where they will be supported and helped (by deed or word). A place where they will be given support and taught to go into life with confidence.

At the end, I will give facts about punishment:

- Approximately 20% of those who abused children were also beaten and other forms of violence in childhood, - children whose parents drink are 4 times more exposed to violence from their parents, 5 times the risk of beating them, 10 times more emotional abuse, compared to those children whose parents do not drink, - the consequences of child abuse include lifelong physical and mental health problems, - 57% of Russians are against physical punishment of children, 35% for, - physical punishment loses its effectiveness over time,

- Physical punishment is prohibited in 32 countries around the world.

Mikhail Ozhirinsky - psychoanalyst, group analyst