How To Give A Child Freedom And Not Harm?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What does freedom mean? Let's turn to the psychological dictionary.

Consider freedom for the smallest member of society - a child. In infancy, children are completely dependent on their parents, in particular on their mother, who feeds, nurtures and cares for. By adult standards, a baby's life is full of constraints and limitations. The first manifestations of the desire for freedom can be observed in a child in the year when he takes his first steps. And starting with the crisis of three years, the so-called crisis "I myself", the attempts will be more persistent and serious. From this moment on, the child will more and more clearly show his desire to move your boundaries. He has every right to know what is bad and what is good, what is possible and what is not. There are no recipes here - only you, the parents, decide where and how he can advance. But each time it is necessary to take into account - the level of safety for the health and life of your child is the most important criterion.

Can freedom hurt? Let's consider different options with practical examples. The first case from the practice of the famous Austrian psychologist Elisabeth Lucas is when there is a lot of freedom for a child.

In the book “The Art of Respect. How to help a child find their way”speech therapist Elizabeth Lucas writes about a boy whose behavior shocked the public. A nine-year-old child caught a thrush and plucked feathers from the bird. The thrush died in agony. The police were called. It turned out that the boy had spent time in the meadow before, where he killed beetles and other insects with a stick, examining their internal structure. The school decided that the teenager needed psychiatric support, but first they sent him for a consultation with a psychologist.

The family showed up in Elizabeth Lucas's office. The psychologist decided to first talk to her parents. Left alone with them, the psychologist asked: "What is more dear to you - money or a healthy child?" Together they found options that did not require large financial costs - to walk around the zoo, read a book together, go to the cinema, visit a museum.

Further, the psychologist asked the parents to do the incredible - to ask the child for forgiveness. Where can you find the courage to ask forgiveness from a child who has caused so much inconvenience, shame and suffering? But the parents did it. And they admitted that they paid too little attention to him. The boy was moved, clung to his mother.

Then Lucas asked to leave her alone now with a schoolboy. The psychologist said that now it was his turn: he should go to the meadow and ask all the animals for forgiveness for the suffering caused. The boy paused, and then said that he could make bird feeders.

After some time, the psychologist asked how the boy was doing. There were no complaints about him. He began to study better, and many bird feeders appeared in the area where he lived.

A nine-year-old boy possessed freedom and did not know how to dispose of it, so it turned into permissiveness. Parents were busy with work, and he was left to himself. But not everything is so simple. Did you get the feeling that it was your parents who had freedom from him?

Even F. Nietzsche wrote that there are several freedoms - “freedom from” and “freedom for”. E. Fromm in his famous book "Escape from Freedom" reflected that "freedom for" is the main condition for growth, development and it is associated with awareness, creativity and even biophilia - the desire to affirm life.

Now let's give an example when freedom is not enough

A 13-year-old can make some independent decisions, right? The eighth grader decided to quit basketball. The parents did not like the decision very much - the boy had great success in sports, and they themselves were accustomed to an established life: trips to games, communication and friendship with other parents, etc. The coach invited them to consult a psychologist and gave my contact.

At the meeting, the young basketball player said that he didn’t like training, in which the coach always scolded and nagged him. The schoolboy decided to talk to the coach and express his opinion to her, but he could not restrain himself and was rude. The coach gave an ultimatum: apologize or he no longer trains. Therefore, the teenager decided to quit sports.

The boy was late for the next session. I called him, and he said that he would be fine now, but there would be more than one. I thought that he would bring a friend or girlfriend as a support group, but the teenager brought with him a sick cat that fell from the 14th floor.

- What do we do?

We called veterinary clinics, then he wrote to his parents, and they went to rescue the cat.

Later, I contacted my mother and asked her to tell the coach about what her son had done. I also asked my mother to arrange a meeting for me with the coach if she is interested in the return of a young basketball player to the team. The conversation took place. I asked the coach to call the boy to the training so that he could tell about this case, and then thank him for his humanity. And, if he can, then try to follow the recommendations of the famous psychiatrist Viktor Frankl - to see in a person the best that he is capable of.

Thanks to the coach for the adequacy! I think the story about the boy's deed in front of the whole team became a turning point. The teenager appreciated this step of the coach. I began to take criticism more calmly, especially since the coach began to focus on his successes and to point out mistakes more constructively. That year the team became a champion at their age, and my client made a significant contribution to that victory.

Here, the teenager's freedom was not enough - the parents did not allow the child to make his own decision: just to quit basketball, but it was not about free time, but about freedom of expression and the complexities of relationships. Has freedom done any harm here? No, it made it possible to find a constructive way out of the situation.

The profession of a psychologist often does not imply moments when a client comes to share happiness and a joyful moment, only if a result has appeared or during a chance meeting. Therefore, I will give the following example from parenting experience.

My daughter decided to become a medic. At the age of 15, she studied in the 11th grade (external studies), has already entered the preparatory courses in medical, we agreed with the tutors. And suddenly she declares that she is not sure that medicine is hers. What to do?

Having coped with my indignation, I agreed with my daughter that she is looking for information on her own, chooses a university - in a word, she goes through the path again, but now in the direction that she likes. It was the right decision. The daughter was once again convinced that she really wanted to study in medicine, then she only thanked for the opportunity to make an independent choice. I was glad I didn't try to persuade her. In my office, clients often accuse their parents that they did not allow them to choose a profession themselves, which made them unhappy. Parents feel that they know better what their children need. But this is often not the case.

Entrust your child to make a choice on their own, but in advance create an environment filled with opportunities for this choice - communicate, find out what your child dreams of, what is close to him, attend open days at universities together, be interested in what your heart is in, what you like, what he has already mastered the skills, what he does best, what he knows about career and career growth.

American psychologists E. Deci and R. Ryan proposed the theory of self-determination. A person is able to feel and realize freedom of choice in his behavior, despite the objective limiting factors of the environment or the influence of unconscious intrapersonal processes. If from the very childhood the child has conditions in which he has freedom of choice of activity, area of interest, then this contributes to the fact that the child, and subsequently the adult, becomes a healthy and full-fledged person. The authors believe that the substitution of a person's own choice with outside requirements is one of the reasons for the occurrence of mental disorders.

The conclusion can be made simple and clear: freedom cannot be harmed, harm can be done by permissiveness, indifference to the child, overprotection and hypercontrol, lack of opportunities and the presence of unnecessary restrictions.

Try to use a phrase that will help shape responsibility: "Decide youself!"

Popova T. A … - Candidate of Psychology, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychotherapy and Psychological Consulting of the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis, Senior Researcher of the Laboratory of Counseling Psychology and Psychotherapy of the Federal State Budgetary Scientific Institution "PI RAO"