2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The world is changing, and parents from all sides are encouraged to teach their young children not only, conventionally, read and count, but also creativity, critical thinking … At the same time, modern parents themselves increasingly feel exhaustion and experience stress from lack of time. What advice would you give to parents of future schoolchildren to support them?
The first thing parents need to take care of at all is their own strength, emotional comfort, and level of happiness. After all, it is with us that the child learns to live. If he sees us constantly worn out and irritated, he will be afraid to grow up.
If, for example, we don’t have the strength to read books with a child, we first need to “make mom happy” - go for coffee, eat chocolate, tell the child without feeling guilty: “Listen, I love you immensely, but I'm terribly tired, in five minutes I’ll come and hug you myself.”
It is important not to be ashamed of telling your child (only without tantrum and tension) that you need time to recover. Parents generally do not give themselves the right to do this, which is why they burn out even more. However, we have the right to rest, we have the right to feed the child with dumplings at least once a week, thereby carving out a minute for ourselves. If we do not take care of ourselves, we will not be able to sense the needs of the child and will miss important signals.
Every day I ask myself the question: "What have I done for myself to stay feeling?" - this is a phrase - the practice of Eva Rambala. And this can be the simplest action once a day - just look out the window, stand in the shower, eat a treat.
Secondly, we can give something to a child only if we ourselves have it. That is, if we want to teach a child critical thinking, it is important for us to observe ourselves - to what extent we ourselves check the information and do not make mechanical re-posts, for example, with fake information.
I would highly recommend that parents take the online course "For Primary School Teachers" on the EdEra portal (it is open and free). In this course there is a block "neuropsychology" about how the child's brain works and what can be expected from it at different ages, so that it will be useful for parents. For example, parents will understand that a child's sloppiness may not be due to the fact that he is sloven and does not want, but with what he cannot and that he needs to do a little more breathing or other exercises.
If we want the child to feel the boundaries - of time, other children - we make sure that he brings what he started to the end, after the game he collects his toys, there is a clear sequence of actions.
On August 20, another online course will open on the EdEra website - already our general course for teachers, educators, parents, in which there will be specific tips for communicating with children. The course will also be publicly available and free.
Often from psychologists you can hear the phrase: "stop raising children - help them grow." Let's apply this recommendation to the school industry. What should parents do in order for the child to remember the school years from the good side?
I would immediately suggest replacing the phrase "parents should" by "parents can …". We, adults, are accustomed to living in a mode of obligation, but our children are a different generation that teaches us a lot, including being “uncomfortable”. What can parents do in order to calmly survive the school years themselves, and create conditions in which the child could show his natural motivation for development? The first is to remember and keep within oneself the feeling that the child is not for the school, but the school is for the child. Our children are not comfortable, it is no longer possible to force them to do what is not included in the task of their potential. It is important for us to preserve their "inconvenience" by teaching them to fit into the boundaries - rules, time, norms accepted in society.
Second, we must remember that when a child goes to school, he is practically formed. The psychological immunity and strength that his family endows will serve him as a support in school life.
We don't have much time to fill the child with our closeness by creating luggage for him to use in adulthood. This baggage is formed from something simple, but very important - from a feeling of closeness - general impressions, family photos. Many parents say: "There is no strength to play with the child." No strength - don't play. Instead, just read together while lying down. It is very important. A child who feels the closeness of his family can then build a close relationship with his partner.
If the child did not have experience of constant communication, if he did not go to kindergarten, it is important to take him to some places for communication before going to school. And you would have watched there if he knows how to greet, get to know each other. If the child is embarrassed, there is still the opportunity to go to a psychologist, there are many adaptation courses.
That is, there is enough time left until September 1, can you still do something?
Yes, this is a normal time to at least observe and do something. Otherwise, when he goes to school, instead of adapting to school, he will adapt to communication.
You need to walk with your child around the school so that he can navigate there. Walk along the corridors, smell how the dining room can smell, show you where the toilet and classroom are. If there is an opportunity to sit at a desk, to get to know the teacher is generally ideal.
Parent-teacher meetings will begin soon in schools, and it is important that parents are aware of the position from which they are going there. Since the school and the family are involved in the development of the child's potential, it is important that the parents are willing to cooperate.
And the next, perhaps the most important thing is to remember that our school years and the school years of our children are completely different. Try not to compare your child with us. The difficulties and obstacles we have faced may be perfectly within our reach for our children, and vice versa.
What should first-graders look out for in their first week of school?
Nothing can be said for the first week. We must be prepared for the fact that a six-year-old child is in play reality. I do not advise taking toys with you to school, but it is gorgeous for the child to have something reminiscent of the family - a keychain that mom or dad gave, a bracelet, something small, but which has family energy.
A six-year-old child can come home on September 1 and say, "Oh, it's cool there." And come the second one: "No, I don't play this anymore."
And what should be done if the child “no longer plays”?
Here it is already important to say: “You are a student and this is your new social status. And I hope there will be many interesting things tomorrow. " Also, you need to find out what became a burden for the child, why he decided to leave this "game".
From fatigue, one child can be lethargic and lethargic, and he needs to be allowed to sleep. The other, on the contrary, is very active - he needs to be allowed to run out. But here you need to observe the psychotype of the child.
It is important to make sure that the child has enough fluid, give him water with him, and greet him with water after school.
When a child moves to a new environment, it's like a flower is transplanted into a new pot - it takes at least two months to adapt. It is better not to burden him with new circles and sections after school. Instead of troubling questions: "Well, what was there, no one offended you?" Better to ask questions: “What was good? Who did you meet today?"
Let parents not be afraid if the child's first days or weeks of school have more privacy needs - this is not a sign that something bad is happening. If a child has no experience of communicating with brothers, sisters or in kindergarten, that is, he is not used to the built communications, he may get tired more from the new load. And such a child needs to be given the opportunity to be himself, just to play in his room. The child may also "hang" a little more in computer games - not the most productive option, but we remember that he relieves stress in this way. Better, of course, to walk in the fresh air.
Can you tell about some situations that parents need to play at home so that the child is ready for them at school and knows what to do?
We double-check whether the child knows how to get acquainted: "Hello, my name is so-and-so, you can, I'll stay with you …". In the kindergarten, children are called by name, and at school the child has a surname. Therefore, it is important that the child responds to his last name. After all, when the teacher says, they say, children, open the notebooks - there are a certain number of children who do not open. They are asked why, and they answer: "I am not children, I am Vanya …".
If you can make a teaser from the child's surname, it is important to work a little with his psychological immunity. Play a game with a surname. So that when a child comes to school, no matter what they say about his surname, it was a game for him, he would not be offended. In fact, this is bullying prevention. Because during the first months of school, all children feel each other's weak links, test each other. And we must prepare the child for invulnerability.
It is important to talk about safety rules: “We do not follow strangers, even if they say that our mother is calling. We do not give our home phone number (only to the teacher), home address”. If a relative has to pick up from school, then the child knows who exactly.
We say that there are people who feel bad, and therefore there is a safety technique. After all, those who feel bad, do badly. But we also definitely say that there are a huge number of kind people in the world: "I am sure that there will always be people who support you by your side, but, just in case, there is a safety technique." We check whether the child knows about the “panties rule” - no one touches our intimate parts of the body, and we do not show them to anyone: “What we have in panties is only our territory. Only parents touch or wash, and if it is unpleasant, be sure to speak."
What about phones in schools?
Parents often ask me about gadgets at school. In general, telephones are prohibited at school. And it's okay when the teacher picks up the gadgets at the beginning of the lesson and gives them at the end. Each school has its own rules, it is important to follow them, and the child should know about them. But banning the phone is not productive at all, because it is a communication opportunity.
Parents also ask whether it is necessary to check the links in the child's mobile phone, where he goes and what he looks. It is more correct to initially make parental control. You need to tell your child that there is a variety of content on the Internet, including those created only for adults, because the nervous system of adults can cope with this. And there is, created only for advertising.
If we want the child to feel the boundaries - of time, other children - we make sure that he brings what he started to the end, after the game he collects his toys, there is a clear sequence of actions.
We simulate the situation: a boy came up to your child, threw his things on the floor. The teacher did not see this. The child burst into tears, they began to mimic him. What should parents do to teach their child to get out of such conflicts?
We tell the child that all people are different and attract attention in different ways. Those who feel safe and calm inside are friendly. And those who are not confident in themselves begin to attract attention to themselves in different ways.
We also tell him: “We believe in your strength, we believe in your wings and your stability, but our strength and love are always with you. When it is difficult for you, first of all, remember that we are always with you and always behind you. And at that moment, when a child remembers that in fact he did not come to school on his own (a whole “gang” came with him), he feels a surge of strength.
We can also ask the child how he would behave in a similar situation, we can even play it at home. However, an important remark is that you can talk about this game and in general on any complex topic if the parents are calm. Otherwise, the child will not remember the algorithm of actions, but will only remember the anxiety of the parents, and, therefore, will attract this situation to himself.
In the situation that you described, the child can safely pick up the book and put it on the desk. Also, it is important for him to say that it is also possible to cry and ask for help. Our tears are a natural reaction. Crying is normal. However, the child needs to be explained that a person's strength lies in how quickly he regains his balance. What can you do in a situation where you feel tension? - Breathe in and out, put his hands on the solar plexus (the center of our power), as if he had connected with his magical source of power, leaned his back on a chair, remembered that dad and mom are always with you, remembered your beloved superhero, turned into him, picked up the textbooks from the floor and boldly looked into the eyes of the offender - and if it's difficult, then it's okay too, we'll practice together.
You have already mentioned that there is no need to overload the first grader with circles and sections. How do you find the right balance?
Beginning with early childhood development courses, a huge number of expectations are imposed on the child. When giving a child to sections and circles, we are guided by several motives. The first motive is that we are very loving parents and are afraid of not giving him something. The second motive is that we not only want to be good parents, but also strive to embody in the child some of our unfulfilled needs. And the third option - we monitor the interest of the child. And in this case, there will not be many circles and sections. - there will be those that correspond to the potential for this particular child.
Conventionally, if we see that the child is always dancing in front of the TV, we give it away …
… to the theater group. Again, for the development of a multifaceted personality, so that in the child's life, in addition to school, there is another social group where he could show his potential in a safe mode. This is usually a creative hobby.
Second, you need something for his body. Moreover, not necessarily a section - he can just do exercises with his parents. And it is also very important to take care of the child's free time so that he can play. It seems to parents that if a child has free time it is bad. In fact, the opposite is true. It is bad if the child does not have free space. The school should not turn into the whole life of the child.
The most basic thing for understanding parents is that the child always mirrors your experience. When they take a child to all kinds of sections and circles, I always ask the parents: "Where do you go?" When they tell me that a child is not learning, I ask: "Does the child see that you are learning?" And here it is not enough to say, they say, I have unlearned my own.
It's like with books, if they don't read at home, it is unlikely that the child will read?
You know, I had an interesting experience with one of my students. Her daughter did not read, although the woman herself read a lot, but with the help of an e-book. And once the girl asked her what she was doing. Mom answered - reads. To which the girl said: "I thought you were playing." When my student started reading real paper books, she noticed that my daughter also began to read.
Only our honest example includes the activity of the child. It is important that he sees that we ourselves are doing something. It is very important that the family always has a safe, supportive and close environment, especially when the child starts school.
Comment on the desire of parents to control the process of their children’s homework. Until what age is it appropriate? Does this question relate to building the child's personal boundaries?
The general recommendation is dangerous here, because there are children for whom it is sometimes productive. But it’s only productive for the first semester of first grade, when we set up a routine of what happens after school.
It would be nice for parents to make a schedule for the child in pictures so that there are no unnecessary verbal reminders from them, and the child sees the order of his actions - wakes up, does exercises, makes the bed, brushes his teeth, and so on. Also, you can draw a route to the school, it will be more interesting for him to go there.
As for homework, depending on the child's psychotype, he either plays a little when he comes home, or immediately starts doing them. If we know that the child quickly engages in some action, we begin to do the most difficult task first. And if the child enters the process more difficult, then we start with an easy one.
Some time is allotted for homework, pauses are made between lessons. And, after completing homework, the child must be waiting for something important for him (it can be a walk, a game). Sometimes, children delay their homework when there is a lack of focused parental attention. That is, there is a certain secondary benefit - when the parent does his homework, he is included in the child as much as possible. Sometimes this is the only time when the parents are with the child.
Although in general in the first grade there should be no homework. At the new Ukrainian school, we strive to ensure that the child does not waste time on homework. Now schools will strive for the child to receive the basic base in the classroom, and at home, at most, repeat it. It has already been proven that homework does not stimulate the learning process.
Clarification. That is, ideally, in the fifth, sixth grade and beyond, the child should do his homework on his own?
At most, we ask the child the question: "Do I need my help?"
How to respond correctly to tasks from the series: sew a doll overnight. How correct is the approach of many parents - to do instead of the child, and send him for a walk / sleep?
In each action, certain neural connections are formed. If we accustom a child in elementary grades to the fact that we can do the task for him, then in the eleventh grade it will be the same. But our task is to prepare him for real life, and not to throw off responsibility.
We can help the child to do the task together with him, if we see that this task is too much for him. We can also take on some small part that is nearby when he does something. But if the child at ten o'clock in the evening told us about the task the next morning, perhaps if we do not, the next time he will be more attentive to the tasks?
By the way, you know, often parents, who in real life do not have the opportunity to show their creative potential, implement it in their children's homework. That is, if a parent wants to write, he himself invites the child to write an essay for him.
But is that wrong?
Of course not. A child has come to school, and a parent can go to courses, blog, write a book. In fact, if the child sees that the parent allows himself to manifest, this will stimulate the manifestation of his creativity.
Let's talk about changing schools for teenagers. The new class, all the friends remained in the old … What "bells" in behavior can be alarming? What parenting actions can help you cope with the change?
About adolescents in general is a separate topic … The task of a teenager is to get the approval of the reference group, the "respected" environment. And a teenager, by attracting attention, can do it in a way that would not be entirely productive for adults. For example, dye your hair some color. For a teenager, this is actually natural.
Of course, the child should know that we are his support, and not a critical figure looking for a mistake. And not an unnecessarily disturbed figure. When a child sees our excessive anxiety, he has a feeling: "I can't cope, something really is wrong with me." We ask the child: "Do you need help with something?" But we trust his strength to cope with the task.
When a child comes to a new school, perhaps we also need to come and meet the teacher. Find out by what rules parents and children communicate in this class. This is the most important thing for the first trip. On the Plus-Plus channel, we made an animation encyclopedia called Helpful Hints, and there is the Newbie series. We selected the most relevant topics.
Our task is to be attentive to changes in the child's behavior. For children of elementary and secondary school, signs that something is going wrong - eating disorders, insomnia, if the child suddenly says "I will not go to school" or begins to blame himself for everything, he says "I wish I weren't there." When a child begins to do something in which auto-aggression manifests itself - pulling out hair, constantly washing his hands, scarring himself - this speaks of tremendous stress that he cannot cope with on his own.
It is also important to understand that there are some things that are natural for teenagers. For example, sleepiness is normal for them. Even in adolescence, in principle, it is natural to give up what was previously loved, but this happens gradually.
By the way, when strangers talk to parents about some actions of their children, then inside it turns on: "Oh, I'm a bad parent." This is a natural reaction for us, but it takes a lot of energy, and, of course, it is not about the truth. It is important to remember that no matter what we are told, there is a feeling within us: “I am a wonderful parent of a wonderful child. I am an adult - and if a problem arises, I have the strength to cope with it."
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