2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Modern parents are not sweet now. Slightly where the child stood out in a negative sense - he had a fight, broke something, was rude. And at once the parents are to blame for everything - they did not finish it, they did not study, they were not interested.
Adults are happy to make a difference, but they often don’t know which thread to grab.
Of course, the child by itself will not just make a row, fight and play pranks. Something happens inside him and something happens in the family field. Sometimes, with his behavior, he can reflect very deep and large family processes that are beyond the control of any adult. It's just that these processes are there, period. There is no power to change them, and if we pretend that this does not exist in our family, the child will only get worse. For example, in a family there are many unsettled destinies or men who drink, or from generation to generation women undergo several abortions, and they deceive themselves that they did not even notice their pregnancy. The child can read all this from the family field, this is how his child's psyche is arranged. And here the parents are powerless. It is important to restructure your attitude to what the child reflects with his not simple behavior - and then it will become much easier for everyone.
The worst situation is when the parents are immersed in guilt that they are somehow “not right or not ideal”, and the child begins to seem to “bear”, offense after offense. What's really going on?
Suffering started inside the adults, pain opened up about something that had not come true - about an obedient and good child, about happy and easy parenting. It is because of this suffering that contact is broken between parent and child, something breaks down in their communication and they do not hear and do not understand each other. And the child reflects precisely this violation, and also unwittingly "maintains" the suffering within the parent. After all, in everything we have our own "secondary" benefit. Even in suffering, that the child somehow “failed”, he is somehow “wrong” or always “disgraces me”.
And here the parent can very much even establish everything - and contact with the child and communication with him and make visible his "secondary benefit" about suffering and rebuild many of his toxic beliefs. The knowledge that psychology has accumulated already allows all this.
Children are also not easy when they do not get along with their parents. How to find out about it? Every day something bad happens to them: quarrels, fights, scandals, tantrums, whims. They simply cannot stand the pain of not knowing how to ask their parents for help, how to tell them what is hard on their souls. This is how a vicious circle starts. It is up to the parents to decide whether to support it or break it and begin to rebuild contact and communication with the child.
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