2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Quite often I come across a confident opinion that children should not be limited. Especially the little ones. That's whatever it is. Well, because "in childhood, I was limited in everything, let my child grow up without these prohibitions, let him grow up free!" It sounds proud and even almost convincing and logical. However, as you probably already guessed, there are some "buts" here
First of all, the prohibition on everything and the absence of prohibitions at all are two extremes, from which good, by definition, cannot come out. In any case, without the intervention of a third. And the truth, as you know, is somewhere in between. So today we are talking about why children need such a terrible thing as a ban) And let's start with a ban on touching)
The very first prohibitions in a child's life appear at a time when two new worlds become available: motor (crawl, stand, fingers in sockets) and communication (before verbal).
With these regular, numerous, unpredictable prohibitions coming from the outside, an internal prohibition is formed by its nature.
Specifically, the prohibition against touching consists of two conventional parts.
Primary. It is directed precisely against the attraction of attachment. This is a ban on contact as such. In other words: a prohibition not only on attachment and fusion, but also on - mixing of bodies. In fact, he redirects into the psychic sphere what was functioning on the biological plane. It gives separateness to a person who is just in the process of acquiring individuality. This prohibition is the very thing that removes the still small person from the mother's breast. He also supports the fantasy of returning to this period (not literal, of course). A fantasy that is not destined to come true.
Mom broadcasts this prohibition to the child through a distance when she puts him in the crib and turns away from him. If the mother herself is not able to commit this act of prohibition, someone must appear who will take on this role of prohibition, who will be able to remind the mother that it is her responsibility to distance herself, to separate the child from herself. Only through this prohibition will the child be able to learn to play independently to begin with, and then - to walk instead of constantly asking for pens. This prohibition is necessary for the child to acquire the skill of leaving the familiar environment and finding the time and place for an independent life.
Secondary ban. Superimposed on the drive for mastery: not everything you want can be grasped, held and touched. This is a selective ban on manual contact: do not touch not only the genitals, erogenous zones and their products. The meaning of the prohibition is "you should not be enough, first ask, be ready for a possible refusal or wait."
This double prohibition provides an opportunity for the transition from the bodily ego to the psychic ego associated with it. It helps to understand at least two things:
- My body is different from the bodies of other people, they are not the same;
- Inanimate objects behave differently than inanimate objects.
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