How To Trust In A Relationship? No Way. But This Is Not Necessary

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

These endless groans of "trust?" and "kaaak not to be afraid?" - from infantilism. You have to trust if you are blind and you are being led by a guide. If you don’t need support to survive, you don’t need guarantees, partial trust is enough. And you do not need eternal love, it is enough to see love at the present moment, and what will happen next is not so important, you allow things to happen.

Why can't you take off the crown?

Or is it possible to shoot, but she quickly does a bang?

Because by removing the crown, you are not adjusting the locus of control.

The crown will always return if the locus of control is out of place. The crown is designed to reduce the stress of helplessness. Not all stress, but stress from helplessness. When your locus of control is outside of you, you are always helpless.

Correcting the locus of control means:

1) understand that control over your situation is in your hands, 2) realize that it is not your situation that is outside your control, 3) start acting proactively.

See how to do this with examples.

Let's say you have a treasure crown. The crown of treasure is the idea that you should be helped, you should be loved, you should be cherished, you should be valued, and an endless list of others should. You just have to, because you are you.

You have been living in this crown for a while and suddenly it falls. It turns out that you are not loved, appreciated, or cherished.

You are incredibly bombarded by this understanding, you want to climb the wall, take a machine gun and shoot everyone who deceived you, you feel insulted and humiliated.

It was your crown that fell. When it is bombed, the crown has always fallen.

Without the crown, reality opened up to you from the most unattractive side. Life is unbearable. But that's because you haven't corrected the locus.

As long as you have an external locus, as long as others bear responsibility for you and others have control over you, it is really very scary to see that they (this main other) do not need you at all: they are not loved, not valuable, not respected.

With an external locus, you are a helpless baby, and your guardians turned out to be indifferent egoists, and not caring, hired nannies for you, as you thought. You just have to sob powerlessly, yell, throw objects at the traitors or … put on a bigger crown and calm down.

And you can also fix the locus of control. If the locus of control is adjusted, the crown will not need to be worn.

You can understand that control over your situation is in your hands, you are your own parent, you are your own boss, you have no other masters.

You can realize that everything that you do not have control over, does not concern you, this is not your situation, it is outside your boundaries, it may also concern you in some way indirectly, but it is better for you to observe and especially not to turn on, since the levers you do not have.

You can begin to act proactively within your boundaries, that is, direct your attention and do yourself, choose and act yourself, without giving others the right to decide for you, or the right to evaluate you.

And then what difference does it make how much you are appreciated and loved? No means no. You will not be lost.

These endless groans of "trust?" and "kaaak not to be afraid?" - from infantilism. Why trust if you need to control everything yourself? You have to trust if you are blind and you are being led by a guide. You must trust if you give the keys to safes and important documents to someone. And if you have all this with you, you do not have to trust. Don't trust anyone too much, trust yourself. But check yourself too, what if you've lost control? You shouldn't trust yourself one hundred percent either, you also need to control yourself. And even more so, you shouldn't completely trust others. In moderation - yes. Partially, if it is a friend, not an enemy.

But you should always be protected in case something happens to that person or your interests come into conflict. This happens, this is normal, and the one who seeks absolute trust denies subjectivity to himself and others. Subject means having freedom of choice. Including having the right to conflict with you. Now there is no conflict and you are together, and if there is a conflict, you can stand in opposition. You can stand up in opposition temporarily and resolve your conflict. Or you can stay in opposition for a long time and then you will have to distance yourself, you will have to divide the borders and divide by a ditch. Proximity is possible only in case of agreement, and any agreement can change into conflict.

People who want to live in fusion do not even allow the thought of a possible conflict. They want garaaaantiy. They want to trust completely. And if they cannot completely trust, they are afraid. They go and tell everyone how afraid they are. They want to be reassured, given assurances, or helped to nurture a crown that will help trust. Women especially love to complain about how afraid they are of men. Of course they are afraid, because they are materially and emotionally dependent on them, and there are no guarantees. But there are also men who say they are afraid of women. This also wants to hang emotionally and be sure that they are loved unconditionally and forever. But there is no certainty. How can one live here without a crown? You need a crown that will allow you to believe that you have power over the feelings of another.

The essence of the crown is that it creates the illusion of control over another. The other is necessary for survival, merging with him, therefore, complete trust and confidence in his unconditional and endless love is so important, and for this you need a crown. If you are on your own, if you have a reserve of autonomy and you do not need support for survival, you do not need guarantees, full trust is not necessary for you, partial trust is enough. And you do not need eternal love either, it is enough to see love at the present moment, and what will happen next is not so important, you allow things to happen, you respect someone else's will to stay with you or leave, you will not die if they stop loving you, you respect yourself enough to make yourself the center of your life and not another.

Therefore, taking off the crown, it is so important to feel that the responsibility for your life is in your hands. No matter how the other treats you, no matter what it turns out about him suddenly, now or later, you cannot disappear, because you have the main thing - YOU YOURSELF. There is no need to look for trust, there is no need to demand guarantees, there are no guarantees in this world, in it "everything flows, everything changes" and this must be learned.

The only guarantee is your own locus of control, your own center, which belongs to you and remains with you as long as you are alive. Here is your power, here is your territory. But there is no power over the will of another, and a crown is needed to feel this power. Treasures, rescuers, winners all feel power over others because they do not feel power over themselves. The real power over them is with the other, so they need an illusory power over this other.

It's like Tsar Koschey, who placed a locus-needle in an egg, an egg in a duck, a duck in a hare, a hare in a chest, and a chest in a tree, and now he is forced to guard this oak from crooks, wielding a sword. Bring the locus back inside yourself and you don't have to be afraid all the time, wait for "calls" and look for guarantees. You can relax and sleep soundly. Your locus is inside, and does not fly outside the window like a homeless soul. If the soul is homeless, it is necessary to build an air castle of illusions for it.

There is a special gymnastics for removing the crown.

Take any situation where there is a crown, firmly sitting or falling, yours or someone else's, and describe how you need to correct the locus so that the crown is no longer needed.

For example, from yesterday's posts.

The girl was offended by a man, her crown ("men sympathize with me" or "all men should be gallant with me") fell. In order not to return the crown of the treasure to its place and not to grow the crown of the winner instead of it, as the coach suggests, to correct the locus and understand that men are on their own, they may or may not sympathize, they may be gallant, or may be No,she herself chooses with whom to get close and can stay away from those who treat her badly, not let them come closer, then they will not have the opportunity to offend her. And with those who sympathize with her, she can communicate, with those who love to sleep and live together. If the lover has stopped loving her, she can distance herself from him. And again it will be protected from insults and dislike. She is not an object that was put next to him and now they spit on him, kick him. She can get up and leave. She steers herself and chooses her place and position, she herself chooses the degree of comfortable distance with certain people. Do you understand what it means to correct the locus?

Or nearby, in the movie "Madame". Madame is bombarded because her husband does not want her, her crown "I am a goddess" falls all the time. She ties her to her head, but she falls again, and every time it hurts. How to get rid of the crown? We need to fix the locus of control. She has her, her husband's property belongs to her husband, but she has a part like his wife, she has common children. Everything else is in his power. She cannot make him love and want, but she can take care of herself and stop feeling the terror and pain of helplessness. She is not helpless, you need to look back and understand how to steer your life, what resources she has, what you can buy. And let the husband figure out for himself whether he wants to be with her or not.

It is clear that with such a locus, the heroine not only gets rid of the crown, makes it unnecessary, stabilizes her condition, but also gives 100 points ahead to her husband's mistress? A husband will almost always choose a wife who behaves beautifully, with whom he has children, rather than a mistress, with whom he has almost nothing. But you shouldn't think about its choice, otherwise the locus will move out again, let it choose itself. Only then will this choice really be his choice, not a forceps.

It is possible to go further: to abandon her husband herself, even if he chooses her. He fell out of love and changed? Goodbye, thanks for all the good things, let's just remain parents of our children and friends. The husband may be lost (although it is far from a fact), but self-respect will win. Although in the case of his repentance and forgiveness, it will also win. Only you can abandon your husband only after he makes a choice himself, not in advance. Otherwise, the grapes are green and the locus will go away again. Again, you need a crown to cover the hole in the place of the moved out locus.

Or in the same place, in the same film. The maid's crown falls, she learns that the lord did not love her, but an invented image, he does not need a real one. People often fall out of love and it's not a matter of deception, you can fall out of love this way and that, just without a fake OZ, disappointment does not happen abruptly, but gradually. And then the crown fell in an instant, and it was not even quite a crown, because the lord was really in love, she did not come up with it.

If the maid didn't correct the locus immediately after the crown fell, what would she do? Got the rolling pin first, right? I would arrange a hysterics, try to find out how they could humiliate her, for what, by what right, will they be held responsible for this, are they going to ask for forgiveness and somehow compensate her for the pain? Having failed to achieve anything, since no one has the rights to other people's feelings, the maid would have been displeased and put on the crown again. She would begin to think that complexes and secular prejudices interfere with the lord, he is ashamed of her position, but deep down he loves her, longs for her, even languishes somewhere. And she would help him get rid of complexes like a real lifeguard.

And she would also apologize for her rolling pins and scandals, thinking that without this he would have returned to her long ago. And this would make her strive and strive, to pursue the lord and prove her love to him as a real winner. Maybe she would not run after him, fearing the police, but in her head she would constantly conduct dialogues with him, wait for him to realize everything, would not take her eyes off the road outside the window, spending years on an imaginary connection and feeding an illusory figure …

Is it clear how and why it is necessary to correct the locus when the crown falls?

Give examples of the falling of the crown (no matter what situations, your own, from letters, from films or simulated) and describe where the locus is located under the crown and how to place it in the center of yourself.