2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Now the topic of childhood traumas, toxic relationships with parents, especially with mom, is widely discussed. There are many articles about negative experiences in childhood. And this experience leaves an imprint on our relations with partners, with our own children, with the world around us, and determines the criteria for our choice at each specific moment.
Often, our past experience, preserved as a kaleidoscope of different stories and memories, does not reflect, and more often completely distorts our real experience gained in childhood.
Our personality today is made up of many components. This is our story, which bears the imprint of experience, past ups and downs, trial and error; this is our present - our emotions, feelings, experienced moments of life; and this is our future - hopes, plans, dreams - our beacons that determine our movement.
What is our history? This is the totality of our emotional experiences that we have experienced, and the memories of the experienced events, which we carefully store in the archives of memory.
Interesting research was carried out by Daniel Kahneman, one of the founders of psychological economics and behavioral finance, with co-authors. A detailed description and research results are presented in the book Think Slow … Decide Fast. An experiment was carried out. A group of people listened to a classical music concert. Wonderful mood, wonderful melody, virtuoso performance of musicians - indescribable delight and pleasure! At the twentieth minute, there was suddenly a terrible grinding sound, an absurd cacophony cut through the ears. When asked whether they liked the concert and what was their impression of the evening, almost all the spectators present in the hall drew attention to the unpleasant incident at the end, almost completely ignoring the fact of unforgettable impressions during the previous time, which actually took place.
This and a number of other experiments prompted the authors to think about the existence of two aspects of personality: I-experiencing and I-remembering. Their existence and interactions are important in shaping our history, our experiences, and their influence on later decisions.
What determines the overall tone of the story? This applies to absolutely all stories that happen to us, and those that we subsequently invent ourselves. Any story is determined by 3 components: changes, significant moments, completion. Completion, the end result is very important. It is his emotional coloring that determines the whole direction of the story afterwards. A lot of stories have been preserved in our memory, which, precisely because of the negative ending, still poison our lives, endlessly reminding us of ourselves as a childhood trauma. And for our inner child, it is completely unimportant what the experience was actually like before its completion. For example, a child is forcibly torn away from his favorite toys, forcing him to go for a walk in the park. In the same way, overcoming resistance, there is a return home from a walk. Both with toys and in the park, the child experienced pleasant moments of passion for the process, but at the memory level, memories of a certain violence by adults are preserved. And it is completely incomprehensible on what principles our memory preserves certain moments, what criteria it uses to create its individual collection.
The experiencing self thus lives its own life, it has moments of experience. The psychological moment lasts three seconds. Throughout a person's life, there are about 600 million such moments, about 600 thousand a month. Many of these experiences disappear forever. Most of them leave no trace for the remembering self.
The remembering self not only remembers and tells stories by collecting memories and the results of past experiences, but also makes decisions based on the quality of the stored materials.
When we think about the future, we actually think of it not as an experience that we are about to experience, but as a memory that we will eventually receive. The remembering self presses over the experiencing self, as if dragging him through the experience that, in principle, he does not need.
Why do we attach so much importance to memories in comparison to the experiences we have experienced?
Imagine that you are going to take a vacation in a new place for you. There is one condition: at the end of the trip, all your photos will be destroyed, and you yourself will take an amnestic drug that will erase all your memories. Are you still going to choose this same trip? If you have chosen another option, a conflict arises between your two selves, and your task now is to find a solution to it. If you think through the prism of time, there is only one answer. If, through the prism of memory, it is completely different.
These two selves, the experiencing self and the remembering self, entail two completely different concepts of happiness. There are two concepts of happiness that we can use for each self separately.
How happy is the experiencing Self? For him, happiness is in the moments he is experiencing. The level of feelings and emotions is a rather complex process that is very difficult to assess and measure. How can feelings be measured and which ones?
The happiness of the remembering self is completely different. It cannot tell us how happily a person lives, it tells us how satisfied and satisfied he is with his life and its results. This is something that we can show the world, friends, colleagues, something that we can share on social networks and decorate the facade of our own life. This is what we call well-being.
You may know how satisfied a person is with his life, its results and memories, but this does not allow you to understand how happily a person lives his life, how much his existence is filled with true feelings and experiences.
Based on this view of one's own life, two completely different criteria appear: the well-being and happiness of the moments. And sometimes we can see a huge difference between when we think about our life and how we actually live it.
So, we have a place with the historical archives of our memory, which determine the general direction of our movement, the characteristic coloring of our life as a whole. These memories become the lens through which we view our relationship with our parents. These pictures to a certain extent limit us, surrounding us with a kind of framework, beyond which we sometimes do not dare to go out. And very often we completely forget that we create any frames and boundaries for ourselves, often completely unaware of what freedom of choice and what a huge space of options life has prepared for us.
These stories can be edited, thereby giving them the opportunity to further have a healing effect on our personality. It's never too late to regain a happy childhood! (Bert Hellinger) To turn your memories into your own good, to make decisions in the already accomplished events, restoring order in the relations between family members, clan, collective. To regain the integrity of your own personality from the position of the Love of the Spirit. Bert Hellinger's method of family constellations provides irreplaceable assistance in this. We do not negate our own experience, we do not reject parents in an attempt to avenge the traumatic experience of childhood. We help ourselves grow up by regaining confidence, support, and true Love.
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