You Should Be Angry With The One You Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"How can I be angry with my grandmother? I love her!"

"I do not like my mother, I am very angry with her!"

“I’m probably a bad mother. I don’t seem to love my son. I’m so often angry and yelling at him.”

There are definitely more than a few hundred similar statements from my practice. All of them are about what is impossible, it does not work, it is not allowed to simultaneously have opposite feelings towards one person … Naturally, this person is close. Or considered close.

Here's another one that hit me right in my heart and prompted me to write: "Children don't like mothers. It is impossible to love a person who only does what he gives out comments and gets annoyed at you."

This was said by the mother of two wonderful girls, who loves them with all her heart. It hurt her that she could not open up and accept her children with all her heart. Precisely because she considered herself unworthy of their love. I could not afford to love them openly, because otherwise it would be impossible to "educate" them.

Such a state, when two opposite feelings for one person are born, is called ambivalence … It can manifest itself, of course, not only in relation to a person, but also to a situation, object, phenomenon, and so on.

The first time such a duality of experiences overtakes in childhood. I remember well my 4-year-old son, when he beat his little sister with a soft toy, and then he came, buried himself on my knees and said: "Mom, how can this be ?! I love her so much, I love her so much - but sometimes I want to hit her so badly!"

And as often happens, at that very moment, instead of support, explanations or just an adequate adult nearby, we hear:

• "You can't be angry with mom!"
• "You can't take offense to your grandmother!"
• "You can't upset your dad!"

And the continuation is almost always obligatory: "… do you love her / him?" That is, into the heads of children the thought is hammered in that if there is love and affection, then it is forbidden to experience negative emotions, it is ugly … And with this slogan, the little man begins to move through life.

And then internal conflicts, struggles and revolutions begin. Because anger or resentment, they don't go anywhere by themselves. They remain with us, buried under heavy slabs of parental messages and attitudes. They grow with moss, hide behind piety and respect - but they remain inside our soul and torment it.

This is normal for so many people:

• "I am bad because I offended or because I am angry",
• "I am unworthy because …",
• "Something is wrong with me, because …".

And the negativity has not gone anywhere, it remains as it was. As we fought with him, we continue to fight.

Further options are possible

One of the most common is a constant attempt, already in adulthood, to "test" a loved one for self-love. Loudly showing anger, resentment, irritation, we wait for a reaction. We force loved ones to either become especially patient individuals, confirming love and acceptance of us "under any sauce" … or we find new confirmation of our own worthlessness. Well, I love him and I am angry at the same time - he left me / got angry / offended. I am unworthy, bad and further down the list.

But even if someone so patient and loving still appears on our way that he is ready to endlessly confirm his own love and ability to accept, this relief brings only temporary relief. And some are not very sufficient.

External "gadgets" are not treated here. The cure is worth looking for inside. One, two, five times to resolve to oneself and anger, and resentment, and irritation at those whom you love; on those who are close. You are a human, not a robot. Your senses do not obey any laws, they just are. Since they are, then they have the right to be. There is only one law.

And then there is magic. The very thing that is usually expected from psychologists. I am telling you a real case. She was extremely angry with her grandmother, her lips were compressed, her eyes narrowed, nodules moved, fingers curled up on her hands. But no! "I love her, I, of course, am offended a little, but not evil …" Then an explosion, anger, rage, screaming, a lot of perfect mat, hands waving, eyes widen …

The next question is: "What do you feel about your grandmother now?"

And the answer: "This is so strange. I love her even more …".