2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“I'm a girl, I'm 22 years old, in a second permanent monogamous relationship. The guy is the same age, we have been together for six months, but the situation that developed in the previous relationship is repeated - the candy-bouquet period ended, the merger phase passed, and I began to lose interest in my partner. There is no longer a desire to constantly be around, to be interested in his life, and in general I doubt whether I want to be with him? Against this background, I experience a number of conflicting feelings and negative emotions towards the guy - hatred, disgust, intense tension, reminiscent of unconscious toxic shame, and even anxiety. Once the situation escalated almost to a panic attack. The first relations developed in a similar way, but the situation did not worsen gradually. After a year of relationship with a young man, I decided to move to another city after graduating from university to work in my specialty, and I told him about it. At first, his reaction was harsh and negative - he categorically refused to change his place of residence, but after a few days he changed his mind, although I had already come to terms with the fact that the relationship would end. It was then that doubts arose (Do I want to be with this person?), Replaced by a number of negative emotions, which I mentioned above. After trying for more than two years to figure it out on my own with all this and only accumulating problems in relationships, I eventually left my partner.
Now we have a short pause with our partner (by mutual agreement). The guy is ready to wait when I want to communicate, and on the one hand I like it, but on the other hand, he is afraid of his willingness to keep his distance. I feel that he is a little offended and begins to withdraw, and this warms up interest in me, but as soon as I imagine that he will treat me warmly again and begin to trust, anxiety rolls over …
Why am I having such emotions? Is there any shame among them? Where did the anxiety come from? Why does it constantly seem that the partner needs attention, although this is completely wrong, and we have repeatedly discussed this issue? Why am I only reaching out to rejecting people? How to build a relationship so as not to torment a person, but at the same time not to lose interest in him?
So, what is the reason for such an attitude towards a partner, fear of trust and warmth? Everything is very simple. A story from childhood - my father drank, constantly quarreled with my mother, sometimes it even came to a fight. Mom was anxious, respectively, the girl had a schizoid character. In addition to everything, the mother was also overprotective - she did not let her walk anywhere, fearing that the girl would be raped (thereby she introduced even more fear into her daughter's psyche!), Constantly violated personal boundaries, forbade expressing any aggression towards herself, demanded that her daughter tell her everything and was offended by the silence and secrecy in adolescence. Mom always repeated: “I can protect you from everyone! You are the most important thing that I have, and I will tear anyone who dwells on you! The girl believed the words, but on an emotional level she could not accept. The need for a dad was all his life, but no one could replace him (grandfather did not communicate, and stepfathers only exacerbated the situation). Another important nuance that played a role in the formation of the girl's psyche is typical abusive relationships in kindergarten (relationships in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another person, humiliates, allows cruelty in communication and actions in order to suppress the will of the victim). If her best friend got tired of communicating with her, she set up the whole group so that the girl was ignored and bullied, and she had to follow and beg forgiveness from the instigator of the bullying (the emotional dependence was so strong).
The root of the girl's problem is a large amount of negativity associated directly with her mother (her mother is tense, she kept her daughter in suspense all the time - don't look, don't walk, tell me everything, you won't do that, I will be offended). Accordingly, in adulthood, entering into a relationship with a man, a girl experiences a subconscious fear that she will be required to explain, will be overprotected, she will not have the desired freedom.
“It is difficult for me to feel feelings for a person who is interested in me, I immediately devalue him, I am drawn to the independent and rejecting. I can love and achieve such people for years. " Why is it so important for the psyche in this case? It's all about the overprotective mother - the partner should be a counterbalance (independent and rejecting), this is what the girl consciously or unconsciously wanted from her mother. At some point, the mother stopped taking care of her personal life and switched to her daughter, effectively depriving that independence and crushing her individuality (the daughter had the right to do something, but something not, get angry, be silent and not share her experiences), as a result without giving her the opportunity to separate. As a result, the girl finds partners living in eternal separation, emotionally cold, possibly narcissistic and rejecting any neurotic relationship. Moreover, closeness with a partner for such a person is akin to guilt and shame, which are strongly intertwined and tied to the ingrained belief "I have no right to be an individual." For all this, the girl's psyche is fighting through partners, but in reality there is an unfinished relationship with her mother.
“I quickly fall in love and merge with a person, but when the hormonal surge subsides, interest subsides, and I start to get hung up on it. There is a feeling that the partner requires a lot of attention and emotions that I cannot give in return. I am unable to endure when a person is emotionally dependent on me, I feel tremendous guilt because of the fact that my behavior is causing him pain. Now I understand that I want love and security. I want to have a permanent couple, I want my friends to love and appreciate me for my personality, but I can't … Closeness causes uncontrollable aggression and anxiety. Often, guilt and separation anxiety are hidden behind anxiety (it is my fault that I did not console my mother, I left home, and therefore I have no right to continue to live and develop the way I want it).
Is there shame among all the rolling emotions? Most likely here is the fault in front of mom and the anxiety of separation. Perhaps there is shame, and this feeling is connected with the fact that you, in principle, cannot be an individual. You have never tried to be a separate person from her next to your mother, respectively, now all your attempts to try yourself in the role of “I am a separate person” (I don’t want to do this, I’m angry with you, unhappy with the remark, etc.) are unsuccessful, it’s difficult for you to be frank in your feelings and emotions with your mother, you feel a strong compression inside ("Oh! Now something will fly back to me!"). Experiencing internal tension and fear of a response, you in a sense provoke your partner to the fact that he still emotionally hit you for it, punish you for your irritation, discontent, anger.
You can and should work with all the feelings you are experiencing. Remind yourself every time that you are entitled to your feelings and desires. Use a simple but effective mantra that will help you greatly change your psyche - repeat “He is not my mother, and I am not a small child! Now in my life everything is completely different, I have every right to my individuality, desires, etc.”. Directly with the anxiety of separation from the mother's figure, you need to work separately in psychotherapy sessions (this is an attachment trauma that formed at a fairly early age, up to 3 years, and it was during this period that the first separation should have occurred, however, instead of letting the child go to explore the outside world, mom, on the contrary, binds him to herself).
Feeling the need for attention from a partner is associated with feelings experienced near the mother - you transfer your mother's expectations of you into a partnership. How to work through the problem? Convince yourself over and over again in the opposite, ask your partner if this is so ("Do you really want something from me?").
Why do you reach out to rejecting people? It is important for you to reject, you yourself want to receive this identity within yourself, form the skill of rejecting other people and realize this need through relationships with rejecting partners.
How to build a relationship so as not to torment your partner and not lose interest yourself? Take a break and work on yourself, therapy is ideal. When you can accept and admit that you owe nothing to anyone, are not guilty, you have the right to reject, your relationship, relying on this solid foundation, will be built on completely different principles, acceptable to both partners.
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