Why Do We Hurt Those We Love?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

At some point, partnerships become more painful, more complicated. You become more vulnerable and needy. And then you ask the question: “Why is this happening? What's wrong with me? . Let's talk about it and figure it out.

The question is not really what is wrong with you. You can relax, breathe out, you are all right. This happens to all people. This is the psychophysiology of love, it is a natural process. When we enter into a relationship, at first we only approach and do not let a person into our closest zone, into our soul. At this stage, we are more or less all right. Another question is that there is also a lot of idealization, ideas about a person that are not in him. It seems that he is kind, but in reality he is not, he just smiles kindly. But in the beginning it doesn't bother us in any way. Because they have not yet let this person into the very depths of the soul, and the soul has not yet responded.

When this happens, the child's part begins to wake up, the vulnerable, IDovskaya. You can call it whatever you want, but we begin to build relationships with this person according to the principle of our childhood affection. On the model of the very first experience. This is how everything is formed in our country - according to the model of the very first experience gained in life, we will continue to behave and act automatically. Of course, if we didn’t realize, didn’t go through this experience, didn’t analyze and didn’t synthesize. If we have not done this, then we will behave as the first time. Our first experience of an attachment relationship is with a mother. Both girls and boys. Therefore, the way the attachment relationship with the mother was arranged, so will your relationship with your partner, man or woman.

Any person has a very strong desire for his mother, drive. I really want my mother to be there, to delve into, to be happy, to share the sadness with you. When we feel bad and want to cry, we want to go to our mother, snuggle up to our chest, cry so that she can comfort us. Mom is very much connected with many of our experiences. And there are many hopes for her, which will correct the world, protect from someone, caress, savor and relieve from all the troubles in life. Some very deep subconscious hopes, which sometimes it is even embarrassing to say aloud to some people. When we enter into a relationship, all these hopes are awakened. They did not go anywhere when we left mom and went into the world. In a transitional moment, at the age of 15 - 18, in adolescence, we say: “Oh, my mother could not give me, I’ll go and find a man, maybe he will give me. Will give love, support, attention, care. And every time we come across the fact that there is no love, care, support, understanding. Because there are men who are similar to the mother as she was. He may be different in character, outwardly different, everything else. But it is precisely in the zone of need, if I needed love from my mother and I did not receive it, then I definitely choose a man who has no love.

And when this experience is realized, sorted out and analyzed in therapy, then men may already come across others. If she has not recognized her need for love and support, then men may even be right, but they will not give this love. They will directly resist, be angry at this need, the need for love, they will perceive it with some kind of disgust. Because this is again about recognizing your need. If you are so worried about it, then your people, your environment, your men, your women will rot you for this need. If you accepted yourself with this need: “Ok, I am needy or needy, I need love, I need support, I need care,” that is, variations that people will treat you gently. They will respectfully give this love, support, attention. Although if the need is strongly pre-verbal, then no one will become your mother. This can only be satisfied in therapy.

These are unconscious processes, they turn on, because in love, in close relationships, other drives, the other works. Everything comes from childhood. Everything that you didn’t receive as a child, you hope, whether you admit it or not, will be received from another partner. Or, if in childhood you received everything, and everything was wonderful, wonderful, your parents pampered, then you will hope that your partner will behave in the same way. Pamper and circle around you. And this will not happen, because other laws work in the adult world. And your task is to grow up. And this childish habit, that if they circle around me, it means that they love, it will not go anywhere. And from this it can become painful, difficult in a relationship. You will feel vulnerable. You need to figure out what you really want and what you really need. And if this is a need connected with the fact that to receive everything from everyone unlimitedly, then it means that one must learn to experience the limitations of this world. That the sky cannot be green, no matter how you want it to be. It will be blue because this is how the world works. You cannot be circled around for 24 hours, because people have their own personality, their own life, needs. It cannot be any other way, no matter how much the person loves you. And in such situations, the task of therapy is to accompany a person in his process of accepting that the world is like this, in his process of resentment, experiencing injustice, experiencing frustrating emotions. When a person already begins to understand this, and normally perceive that, yes, bad, bad, sad, sad - they have gone through and gone, that is, they can already live with this, then this is a healthier form.

In general, we need relationships in order to regain our projection through another person. Because what we read in another as a painful experience, painful experience, irritable behavior, we are angry with him, etc., everything for which we are angry, irritated or hurt about what is ours. We are hurt about our own grievances, very early, deep. We are annoyed with what is in him, what is similar in me, or there is and I am afraid to admit it to myself, or I would like to have it, but again, I am afraid to admit it to myself. That I would like to be a lazy asshole, for example, and I look at him and condemn that he is a lazy asshole. But in fact, I myself want to be like that. This is if you listen very deeply to yourself and honestly answer the questions: “How does he annoy me? How does he make me angry? Why does he piss me off? Why am I so hurt? " Here he was there loudly said something to me, and I was offended. Offended because what? Do you think he doesn't love you? And he tells you 5 times: “It doesn't mean anything. I just talk like that. Nothing changed. My attitude towards you has not changed. " But you cannot trust your partner. You only trust your childhood experience that when your mother screamed, got angry, limited, punished - she stopped loving. Again you fall into this dependent state. The husband is unlikely to punish you and put you under house arrest. Although this happens.

So, the question of why in a relationship we begin to hurt each other, again, comes down not to the fact that one of the partners is wrong, but to your childhood experience. And to the question of how well you know yourself, realize. How well analyzed childhood. Not just knowledge about it, but awareness. To what extent can you connect what is happening now with how it was formed in childhood, how it happened then and how it is now. And when you understand that now you are upset or angry not so much with him as with the situation that you did not survive it from childhood, then in the relationship it becomes calmer, it becomes better to breathe, it becomes easier.