I Get Angry, Angry, Hate. How To Use Your Own Aggression

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Video: I Get Angry, Angry, Hate. How To Use Your Own Aggression

Video: I Get Angry, Angry, Hate. How To Use Your Own Aggression
Video: "Final Duel"-Return Of The Jedi (1983) 2024, March
I Get Angry, Angry, Hate. How To Use Your Own Aggression
I Get Angry, Angry, Hate. How To Use Your Own Aggression
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Author: Elena Mitina Source: elenamitina.com.u

Without exception, all people are aggressive by nature. If only because we have teeth and we eat meat. If someone tells you "I am not aggressive" or "aggressiveness is alien to me" - do not believe him. All are aggressive.

Another thing is how we use our aggression and what we call it.

In our society, aggression is often called something bad, destructive, unacceptable in human relations. I want to object to this. Aggression is any human activity. Any. Even my look at another person or something said to him - this will be an element of expression of aggression, my activity towards him. Aggression always speaks of our need, that I want something.

What is aggression. Initially, the word "aggression" is translated as "to go to, to approach" - that is, to move towards something, make efforts and invest energy in order to get something, take, somehow change the environment so that it is "edible to me”And interesting. A simple example of aggression is when we peel an apple or make a salad. I want an apple without a peel, I want to eat not individual vegetables, but chopped, mixed, seasoned with sauce, it tastes better for me!

The same is in relations with people - I want the relationship, contact with another person, to be interesting for me, to saturate and satisfy me.

Healthy aggressive behavior involves the expression of contact or mental (from the word "dent" - tooth) aggression. That is, when we are trying to achieve something from another and take what we want.

"No, give me the wrong hat with a blue pompom, but this one with a white one!", "No, cut me not half of the cake, but a quarter!" Here are simple examples of healthy dental aggression when I (through contact with another) make an effort to satisfy my desire.

Many of the forms in creating and maintaining close relationships are manifestations of precisely dental aggression: "Did I hear you correctly?", "Do you want this?" in dialogue, to hear and be heard, contact efforts are required.

Evolution of forms of healthy aggression in humans

When a baby is born, it is essentially not aggressive. This form of development of aggression is called perinatal - that is, the child does not need to take almost any action to satisfy his needs, because he is an extension of another person and the other bears all responsibility.

Further, the sucking form of aggression develops - you need to make a minimum amount of effort - to suck, digest and regurgitate.

Incisive (dental aggression) - the child is able to bite off. The harder the food, the more effort you need to make. The ability to extract, insist, disagree appears.

The most mature form of contact aggression is molar aggression (from the name of the more mature molars - molars) - this is the ability to grind food, as well as differentiation - what I need to leave, and what is not needed I throw away. It is the existence of such a form of aggressive behavior that speaks of the maturity of the personality, its ability to share what and how important it is to receive, what is suitable from the received, and what is not suitable.

All people can have varying degrees of aggression maturity at completely different ages. The maturity of forms of aggression speaks of the maturity of the individual, her separation from others and the ability to satisfy her needs on her own.

When activity is prohibited

For example, when we were little and were just learning to show aggression (that same incisor-dental), it could be uncomfortable for our parents. After all, right away we, of course, could not realize our desire, clearly and clearly say about it (as adults).

We were most likely whining, screaming, crying, hitting the table with a toy, or getting into a fight. Because they wanted to achieve something, something “tasty”, something “desired by us,” but we, for example, were not given this or were given something completely different.

And parents could forbid us to express ourselves like that. Shame and stop us, and without explaining what's what, but just one phrase - "stop yelling!" or “why are you running around like a fool ?!”, “don't you understand that you need to wait ?!”.

And we did not understand, yelled and ran like fools. And you felt what? That we, for example, are bad and inappropriate for mom. And in order for mom to be happy and share her warmth and cordiality with us, you need to stop being active and aggressive, but become quiet, comfortable and obedient. And then mom will calm down.

And, growing up, we also remain quiet and obedient, and, of course, dissatisfied, ashamed or guilty that we want something more from this life than we have.

And from long years of restraining oneself, someone could harbor a huge resentment and even hatred! To those who, in one fell swoop, forced us to be comfortable and obedient and did not allow us to be spontaneous at all.

And we can unconsciously manifest this resentment and hatred (and there will be no other way) in the form of a completely different type of aggression - just its destructive kind. Anihilatory aggression - that is, one that is not aimed at getting what you want, at destroying and destroying an object that causes discomfort.

All wars, terrorist attacks and other terrible things, in fact, are built on annihilation aggression - the energy of revenge, hatred and destruction. Once this energy could be peaceful and contact, but as a result of long-term containment, a total stop in expressing oneself, it turned into a killing force …

It's the same in relationships. If dental aggression is aimed at getting this particular hat with just such a pompom (the desired piece of cake, bread in a paper bag) from another in a contact way, then the annihilation one is aimed at, in fact, rejecting and destroying the one who offers not that hat (cuts the wrong cake and wraps the bread in the wrong bag).

And it is precisely the annihilation aggression, the hatred of the other, that is destructive for the relationship. And the main feeling on which it can be based is the feeling of horror, the horror of being absorbed by this other, on which I totally depend (as I once depended on my mother, who forbids whining, yelling and running around the apartment). In fact, people who were not supported in expressing contact aggression, growing up, can be dangerous and threatening - after all, the whole world is perceived as a mother who forbade being real, contact and aggressive.

Self-directed aggression

One way to be non-aggressive and comfortable is to direct all your aggression towards yourself. There are two ways - either to be sick all the time and suffer from psychosomatic diseases, or - to be guilty of everything (and suffer from psychosomatic diseases) all the time

If a child has heard phrases like "Enough!", "Nothing hurts you", "Well, you sissy!" etc. - this is a direct way to raise a sick, eternally unhappy and responsible man or woman for everything.

In fact, all types of addictive behavior (alcohol, drug use, adrenaline addiction, psychological dependence on relationships, etc.) are, in fact, the direction of aggression towards oneself, towards the destruction of oneself - both physically and psychologically.

Forms of expression of aggression

Usually we realize aggressiveness in contact, experiencing varieties of feelings of anger.

Irritation - diffuse, so far unaddressed experience, when the situation is not entirely clear, it is not clear who or what exactly brings discomfort. The energy of tension is growing, but not yet transformed into action.

Anger - a targeted experience of some internal excitement and activity directed at the object of contact, reducing distance, meeting a need or strengthening boundaries.

Rage - diffuse aggressive, affective state of intense anger, which has no direction, boundaries and control. This is an affective immature reaction (typical of childhood), when emotions are uncontrollable and are directed to someone almighty, super powerful, super significant, and not to a specific person in real contact.

Hatred - also an affective reaction, the main goal of which is to destroy, destroy, oneself or an external object.

Annoyance - anger mixed with the pain of loss. This feeling is associated with something that is left in the past, with the experience of loss - own expectations, relationships, desired.

Indirect (manipulative) forms of aggressive behavior

What often happens when the contact flow of aggression is blocked, and we are forced to satisfy our own needs, using indirect ways of dealing with other people, without asking or directly declaring what I want (while maintaining the risk of rejection), but forcing the other to do me it's illegal, playing on his feelings.

Feeling of guilt is the direction of contact anger intended for another, towards oneself, while relying not on one's own need, but on morality. That is, I am guilty, and he, the other, means right. Thus, the responsibility for meeting my need rests with this friend who is right!

Resentment is a blocked aggression, which presupposes my insignificance and, on the contrary, the importance, significance of another nearby. That I do not have enough strength to get angry with him, because I am very afraid of losing him. And then I make him feel guilty (according to the law of polarities) and take care of me (the weak), satisfying my need.

Envy - a complex experience consisting of anger, interest and shame. In envy, there is always what I desire (from the one whom I envy), as well as comparing myself with him and discovering my inconsistency next to him (shame). It is the component of shame that stops you from achieving what you want and appropriating your own importance and significance (I'm good too!).

Boredom - the experience of fatigue and loss of strength as a reaction to the blockage of awareness of anger. That is, I do not seem to understand that I am actually angry now, but instead I am experiencing boredom, absent-mindedness. Therefore, I am not in contact with my own need, I don’t know who I am angry with and what I want from him, but simply “depend” on ignoring this experience.

Depression - suppression of any types of contact aggression - anger, rage, hatred, directing this energy towards oneself and experiencing a deep decline of strength, up to the loss of the meaning of life.

Psychosomatic manifestations and symptoms are ways to organize your life in such a way (to suppress aggression) in order to get the desired satisfaction of a need through illness.

Aggressive Behavior Therapy

Of course, in therapy, we strive to be aware of the ways of satisfying needs that we have, the ways of expressing aggression that we have been taught, and, if necessary, look for more effective, mature ways that can give us much more than, say, manipulative ones.

Very often, without the help of a psychotherapist, we do not realize and do not understand exactly how we do something, achieve, get something. Usually, the ways of satisfying needs are not realized and are brought to automatism. We can only experience some suffering because of their imperfection when we get some wrong result.

The goal of therapy is to maintain liveliness, awareness and, of course, the search for more mature and adaptive forms of the client's life, forms of expression of aggression, ways to form their own boundaries, the skill of differentiation - what can I get, what not, what is worth investing in (and what), but what is not worth it. What is "edible" to me in contact with another, and what is "not edible" and how not to eat it, and if I ate it, how to spit it out.

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