My Affectionate And Gentle Beast (manipulative Violence In Relationships)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

My Sweet and Tender Beast

(manipulative violence in relationships)

Why do you think, in the fairy tale about Cinderella, the stepmother always only yells at her stepdaughter? The woman (who has daughters who love her) does not ask, she demands from the girl to fulfill her orders, never showing not only love, but even a warm attitude. At the same time, no one is surprised that Cinderella does everything not only to do, but excellently. Why make an effort when no one will even appreciate it? It is difficult to attribute this to her perfectionism, conscientiousness and responsible attitude to business, or to her kind heart, because her stepmother frankly tortures her. And yet everything remains the same. In this case, we also face manipulation, where the manipulator is a cruel aggressor who speculates on the feelings of his victims (fear of loss, loneliness, love, devotion, friendship, search for a strong protector) and is capable of control the victim, causing fear in her, suppressing the will … It seems, why allow yourself to be tortured - go away! But this can be very difficult to do for several reasons. First, the victim of the manipulator is often the one who due to objective reasons, he cannot and cannot stand up for himself - an old man, a child, a helpless disabled person, a person with mental disorders. Secondly, they often find themselves in a similar position people are kind, sympathetic, ready to meet halfway and avoid conflicts … And thirdly, the victims of the aggressor are those who inspiring, not self-confident, not self-sufficient, does not know how to say "no" and has difficulty defining personal boundaries … It should be noted right away that two different types of aggression should be distinguished:

1. The first type is an integral part of character, a manifestation of an emotional warehouse, dictated by the moment, physical condition, not aimed at destroying a partner or relationship

2. The second type - actually manipulative aggression, which is associated with depersonalization, devaluation of the partner and the relationship, perceived as a means, and not as an end, and is carried out solely for the purpose of obtaining material or psycho-emotional benefits for the aggressor.

How do they do it?

The unwinding of a manipulative situation, as a rule, proceeds according to some pre-established scenario and looks something like this (it can vary):

a) Tension builds up in the relationship (can be caused by an external factor, internal conflict, misconduct of the partner-victim, failure of the partner-aggressor in something);

b) The aggressor partner is looking for reasons to release his discontent and get psychological relaxation (physical anxiety, "clinging" to words and actions, provocation);

c) There is always a reason (it can be any action or word that serves as a "trigger", trigger);

d) A conflict (scandal, quarrel) develops, during which the victim tries to please the aggressor, to reduce the tension;

e) The aggressor puts forward a condition (demand, ultimatum, claim);

f) The victim strives to meet the requirements put forward;

g) Peace of mind until the next moment of tension.

The aggressor has a variety of means to keep his victim in constant tension, and uses techniques that are focused primarily on the sensual side of relationships … Receptions can be active and passive, that is, contain active actions, words and remarks, or exclude actions and words:

Anger (usually feigned, artificially stimulated) directed at the partner directly or indirectly - I hate you! You pissed me off! You idiot (fool)! How I got sick of all this! What kind of people are around me! You can't deal with anyone! All men are goats (women are fools)! (Reaction: We will not talk in this tone. I do not like this. I will wait until you calm down, then we will talk, or if there is no way to say even this, you need to leave the room, make it clear that you will not support this game in any form)

· Threats, intimidation, blackmail - Just try, I'll get you out of the ground! Throw me - I will commit suicide! Who needs you so much, everyone is laughing at you anyway! Change - I will kill you! If you argue - I will take away the children! If you do not want it in an amicable way, it will be in a bad way! Better give it yourself, otherwise I will take it by force! You will die without me! (Reaction: the best reaction to blackmail and threats is no reaction, indifference. If you are worried that threats may be carried out, ensure your physical safety and do not let you break, try to get out of the situation as much as possible)

· Emotional pressure (formation of feelings of guilt, fear of loss) - I will love you if / on one condition … Only I can protect you from everyone! You can't work - you can't cope at home either! You don't even know your children's birthdays, what kind of father are you! Everything is already on me, I'm spinning like a squirrel in a wheel! Another would have left long ago in my place! You always invent everything! It's all your fault (a)! (Reaction: you cannot give in to pressure, look at the situation constructively. If you think that you are doing everything in your power, then conduct the conversation based on the contribution of each, rationally decomposing the participation of both partners in the relationship)

· Ignoring, silence - demonstrative silence, avoidance of any conversations and actions. (Reaction: let the partner pause, come to his senses, and then offer to discuss the situation in order to understand that he is not satisfied)

· Distrust, suspicion - the aggressor is waiting for excuses, explanations of the reasons, debunking the claims presented to him as "facts", he distorts events, distorts what was said in his own interests (Reaction: do not make excuses. Try to reveal your partner's ulterior motive. Perhaps he just wants to feel more confident and protected)

· Cheating - You have no idea what she told me about you, it was terrible! (she didn't say anything special, the conversation was completely invented by the aggressor in order to deceive the victim, create false ideas in her) Here everything is only on me and keeps! If not for me, we would have nothing to live on! He made me, I didn't want to! Your mom said she didn't want to see me anymore! (Mom did not say this, but it is important for the aggressor to cut off the victim from the usual circle, to deprive him of support and support).

By form manipulator-aggressor can use:

· Shouting, swearing, profanity - increased intonation, expressive vocabulary;

· Answer with a question to a question, demonstrative clarifications and questioning;

· Sarcasm, deliberate irony, teasing;

· Universal statements ("All women are fools!")

General generalizations using words everything, everything, always, constantly, eternal, absolutely, absolutely …;

Negative assessment (you never… you can’t, you don’t want to…);

Repetitions and looping (noticeably, when the conversation goes in a circle, the topic is spoken out in every way, while the position of the manipulator does not change, he waits for you to get tired and agree to all his conditions)

· Vague formulations, silences, ambiguities to create uncertainty of opinion, aggravate the situation (“ Well, you yourself know how everything was there, I won't repeat it, it's already so hard, especially since now everything will be completely different, as you understand - What happened? Who knows what? Why is it hard? How will it be now? What do you need to understand?);

· Tears, hysteria, imaginary illness and many others.

Defense, defense or..?

Many participants in the relationship with the manipulator-aggressor later admit that they were as if “out of themselves”, “parallel world”, “altered state”, dissolving in relationships, losing their will, their own desires, the meaning of life. This suggests that the relationship built with such a person is destructive for the individual, that is, destructive in essence. If you are sure that everything is reversible, sit down at the negotiating table with your partner, otherwise, you have to leave such a relationship where you lose yourself.

In any case, manipulative violence can and should be resisted:

1. Show your partner that you are aware of his game and do not support its continuation, do not agree with its rules;

2. Constructive trusting dialogue is able to show the manipulator that what he is trying to achieve dishonestly is achievable in an open relationship;

3. A rational view of the situation and oneself, a clear understanding of common tasks helps to avoid perversion of facts, to suppress a manipulative situation at its root;

4. Maintain family and friendship ties, because one of the goals of the manipulator is to cut you off from the outside world, to deprive the support of friends and relatives;

5. Do not maintain an alliance with the aggressor for the sake of children, because lies, violence, blackmail, fear in the family are destructive for the child's psyche;

6. Realize why you remain in a relationship, where there is a place for emotional abuse, that in yourself needs rethinking and inner work;

7. Determine the external and internal boundaries of what is permitted and strictly observe the conditions;

8. Adhere to the initially developed position, defend your own principles, do not change your opinion like a weather vane to please others;

9. Do not be like a manipulator, try not to use counter-manipulation and his techniques, because they will still turn against you;

10. You cannot tolerate violence against yourself in any form, so look for a way to change the relationship if violence appears in them. Remember, violence is not the norm

It is difficult to live if you are not familiar, first of all, with yourself. By getting to know ourselves, we become stronger and more aware. Therefore, cognize, love, take care and accept yourself!

(The article was co-authored with a colleague and dear friend Vera Shutova).